Just in case anyone thought that marriage to an accused serial killer might be all rainbows and butterflies, the 'Enquirer' proves you wrong with its cover story about the "Gilgo Beach Monster's Marriage From Hell!"
Asa Ellerup, the long-time wife of accused killer Rex Heuermann, "breaks her silence" to reveal her years of "tears, terror & abuse!"
Worse yet, according to the rag, she was "living on food stamps!" which may resonate with a sizeable portion of 'Enquirer' readers who rely on the same welfare for their survival and may not welcome the implication that food stamps may lead to serial killings.
Asa Ellerup filed for divorce days after her husband of 27 years was arrested, and says their grown children "have been crying themselves to sleep".
But it wasn't her husband who put her through hell, according to the story.
"Everything is destroyed," she says – but it was detectives ransacking her home searching for evidence who evidently did all the damage. The 'Enquirer' reports that "lawmen brutalised their home," and left her bed "unusable."
She doesn't say a word about a "marriage from hell," and neighbors only speculate about how she may have lived in fear – but none of them know, because as neighbor Frankie Musto told the 'Enquirer': "She didn't talk to anyone."
The body-shaming tabloid weight police are out in force again this week.
"Lizzo's Lard Is In The Fire!" exclaims the 'Enquirer' after the singer's backup dancers accused Lizzo of abusive behavior.
And singer Cher's son is branded "Chunkster Chaz" after allegedly experiencing a "dramatic weight gain" and sparking "Cher's fears".
Misleading as ever, the 'Enquirer' reports on openly gay former CNN anchor Don Lemon, stating: "Lemon Turns Ladies' Man!" But he's not switching teams; he's allegedly "trying to woo his way" into joining the all-female cast of morning chat show 'The View.'
"No-Sex Khloé Done With Fun!"
Sure, thanks to its team of spies stationed inside her bedroom 24-7 the 'Enquirer' would know that Khloé Kardashian has not had sex in a year, and allegedly found an unnamed friend to reveal: "She's saying she might be celibate forever". Right.
Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan have allegedly dropped some of the friends who initially welcomed them to California – the way one does a few years after settling into a new home and finding the people whose lives better mesh with your own – which the 'Enquirer' declares makes the renegade royals "Pariahs In Paradise!"
The 'Enquirer' unexpectedly gets all biotechnical on its readers, employing complex medical terminology to diagnose the condition of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell's neural pathways, using the scientific term: "McConnell's Brain Short-Circuiting!"
After McConnell recently froze in mid-sentence while delivering a speech on camera, a neurosurgeon who has not treated the politician claims that he probably suffered a stoke or seizure.
"Melania's Smoking Gun Emails Exposed!"
No, they aren't. As the 'Globe' eventually makes clear, there may not even be any incriminating emails from Melania Trump about her husband.
But that doesn't stop the rag from speculating on what such emails might contain if they did exist: "Divorce! Shady doings! Cheating!"
Promising readers that Melania's emails will expose "dark secrets" that "hang Donald out to dry," the 'Globe' says: "Melania Holds The Trump Card!"
But it's all a soufflé of wishful thinking that quickly falls flat once you realize that it's wildly speculative.
Manhattan district attorney Alvin Bragg is allegedly "pushing hard" to get access to Melanie's emails, supposedly because her reaction to Trump paying former porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 for her silence before the 2116 presidential election "could become a smoking gun at her hubby's trial."
Or of course, it might not.
Warren Beatty and Annette Bening are enduring "Snoozeville Sex!" claims the 'Globe,' as Beatty allegedly "goes from stud to dud." Yes, they do mention that he's 86 years old.
Country singing star and 'American Idol' judge Luke Bryan is this week's cover boy, saying: "I'm Proud of My Climb to Get Here."
It's the typical 'People' mag feel-good living-his-best-life story, with Bryan saying: "I love to make people smile. That's why I fell in love with music." Aw, shucks.
The late Olivia Newton-John's husband and daughter reveal that a year after the singer's death they have both been visited by her spirit, in the shape of a blue orb floating in the air. Neither actually saw the blue orb when it was right in front of them, but it later appeared in photographs they took. This couldn't possibly be light refracted in a lens – a ghostly apparition from the Great Beyond is the only scientific explanation for such phenomena.
Paris Hilton dominates the cover talking about "Fame, Family & Doing It All," as the pop-culture fixture discusses motherhood and building a business empire beyond her sexual exploits on video.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that "TV personality" Sonja Morgan's first car "was a royal blue Gremlin and I wore a royal blue winter coat for two years straight in college,' and that the stars are just like us: They do home renovations, go fishing, play cards and eat spicy foods.
But the rag is still struggling to figure out a fashion-critical feature line-up. Gone is its long-running spread 'Who Wore It Best?' and this week they have also scrapped the feature that briefly replaced it, which tried to offer complimentary words to celebrities who committed the ultimate fashion faux pas of wearing the same outfits. Perhaps the magazine ran out of kind things to say?
"Brad Wins!" screams the cover story about Pitt's long-running divorce from Angelina Jolie."Divorce Finalized!"
While it's true that Jolie and Pitt's attorneys finally agreed to a settlement in their dispute over the French vineyard they formerly co-owned, along with dividing up the rest of their marital property and minor children, it's hardly a victory for Brad – more like a cessation of hostilities.
'Life & Style'
There's no such truce commanding this week's 'Life & Style' cover featuring Prince William & Princess Kate, allegedly "Fighting Over Meghan & Harry."
Apparently Kate is "furious over William's plan to meet Harry in New York," while Duchess Meghan is "pushing for closer ties to King Charles."
It all sounds rather like the fevered imaginings of a daytime soap opera screenwriter treating the royals like characters in a show that the network is threatening to axe.
Onwards and downwards . . .