'National Enquirer'
She grew up in one of the biggest, most palatial mega mansions in Los Angeles, so you can imagine the glee at the 'Enquirer' as they splash on their front page: "Dirt-Poor Tori Spelling Moves Into Mobile Home!"
Television mogul Aaron Spelling's daughter and her five children were spotted living at a Ventura County campground.
She was apparently living in a Forest River Sunseeker RV, which retails for around $100,000 or rents for around $200-a-night – that's around $6,000 a month, for which she could rent a decent home in Los Angeles.
Perhaps she's just on a get-away vacation, or setting up a plot line for a new reality TV series?
"Scientology Making Play For Harry & Meghan!"
The pseudo-religious cult can do whatever it wants, but no matter how questionable Harry and Meghan's IQ might be, there's no way they'll fall for Scientology's sales pitch.
Apparently L. Ron Hubbard follower John Travolta is "offering career advice" and "greasing" the way for the royal renegades to join the self-styled church. Sure he is. He once danced with Harry's mother, Princess Diana, which makes him as good as a godfather to the Prince. Who would dream to question that Harry and Meghan will put their spiritual lives in Travolta's hands?
"China Invades America!"
Another story we all missed while watching reality TV, apparently, but the 'Enquirer' tells it like it is.
China's "undeclared war" on America "explodes" as the 'Enquirer' learns that the rogue nation "builds bioweapon labs in U.S."
Conveniently ignoring the fact that the US helped fund virology labs in China, the rag reports: "China was caught red-handed . . . " – is that a racial slur? – " . . . invading America and waging an undeclared war on the U.S. when feds shut down a sinister, secret California bio lab that terrorist experts say is part of Beijing's plot to unleash deadly diseases in our homeland!"
The headline screams like it's the dawn of the Apocalypse: "China Bioweapons Invade America!"
It makes perfect sense. China couldn't possibly create bioweapons in its own country in perfect secrecy and transport them to America – have you checked international shipping prices lately? No, the only logical explanation is that China built a bioweapons lab in California where there would be zero scrutiny of their activities.
The lab reportedly contained samples of "HIV, tuberculosis, herpes, dengue fever, COVID-19, chlamydia, meningitis, malaria, E. Coli and pneumonia, which were stuffed into boxes emblazoned with Chinese characters!"
And we all know how suspicious Chinese characters can be.
Or, as one medical expert tells the 'Enquirer,' "the lab may be a harmless test manufacturing site left over from the initial COVID wave". You think?
The tabloid weight police are out in force again. NBA legend Michael Jordan is allegedly a "butterball" who has "shockingly gained around 40 pounds over the past year," while actor Jonah Hill "loses 40 lbs as sex scandal rages," which "pals and mental health experts" fear "is slowly leading him to his death".
Perhaps if Jonah Hill starts eating Michael Jordan's meals both will be fine?
Morgan Freeman is also allegedly "skin & bones," and "appears to be wasting away".
A medical expert tells the 'Enquirer' that the 'Shawshank Redemption' star's weight loss may have something to do with the fact that he's 86 years old.
"Black Bear Tried To Eat My Brain!"
Pennsylvania grandfather John Swartz was attacked in his garage by an ursine assailant who "chomped on his noggin." Obviously a zombie cocaine bear.
'Globe'
"Reality TV's Darkest Horrors Exposed!" proclaims the front page.
"Sexual violence and abuse! Torture & brutal bullying! Revenge porn and humiliation."
Why don't we ever see this on our small screens? It all reportedly goes on behind the scenes on reality shows involving Kim Kardashian, Bethenny Frankel, Teresa Giudice, Tom Sandoval and Captain Jason Chambers.
Sure it does.
There are allegedly "crazed catfights, drunken brawls and sexy goings-on". It's a shame the cameras are never rolling when it all happens.
"Tori Goes For Broke!"
Tori Spelling's spell in an RV has the 'Globe 'speculating that she "stages bizarre situations to use as reality show storylines".
What? Reality shows manufacture their stories? Say it ain't so!
"Trump's Ego Will Put Him In Prison!"
Perhaps, but prosecutors have the better chance of putting the former Commander in Chief behind bars.
"Trump's Psych Eval Leaked!" screams the front page. But the story inside makes it clear that Trump hasn't undergone a court-ordered psychological evaluation that could be leaked, and the 'Globe' doesn't possess this damning non-existent document. Instead, it quotes psychiatrists – legitimate ones, unusually for the rag – who note Trump's delusions of infallibility, inflated ego and victimhood.
"Ex Has My Balls In A Jar & Won't Give Them Back!"
Some headlines write themselves, and this one speaks for itself, in the story about Michigan trans woman Brianna Kingsley – the 'Globe' sensitively calls her a "sex swapper" – who is suing her male ex-lover for the return of her testicles, "which she claims he's keeping in a jar in his fridge!"
That's why one should always be careful when you reach into the fridge for the pickled onions.
"Harry & Meghan Lose Royal Mind Game!"
Resisting the temptation to say that Duchess Meghan keeps Prince Harry's testicles in her purse, the 'Globe' claims that King Charles and Prince William "are waging a psychological war against" the royal renegades it brands "Paranoid Prince Harry and his fame-obsessed wife".
An unnamed but "well-placed senior courtier" – as opposed to all the other senior courtiers the 'Globe' speaks to who aren't quite so well placed – tells the rag that Charles and William "secretly sought psychological operations (PSYOP) professionals to help silence the Sussexes."
There's no evidence for this whatsoever, but the 'Globe' credits PSYOPs advisers for telling Charles to invite Harry and Meghan to Britain while William gives them the cold shoulder, "to keep them off balance."
PSYOPs experts also came up with the "primary tactic . . . simply ignoring them."
Brilliant. Sadly the report doesn't say how much King Charles and Prince William paid for this priceless PSYOPs guidance. Must have been a king's ransom.
'People'
There are two duelling covers on newsstands this week: Jenna Bush Hager says "I'm Not Afraid to Be Myself" – who else would she be? – and the stars of 'Sister Wives' talk about "Life After Polygamy."
'Today' show cohost Bush, daughter of former President George W Bush, apparently stays grounded by "keeping it simple in the kitchen". 'People' mag assures readers that "Bush Hager is anything but boring."
That's a phrase guaranteed to make anyone sound dull as ditch-water.
Meanwhile all five stars of the reality show 'Sister Wives' discuss the break-up of their polygamous marriage, and how they are rebuilding their lives – or trying to.
"I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow," says Meri Brown. "I'm trying to find my future," adds Robyn Brown. Says Janelle Brown: "I'm starting to dream big."
It doesn't sound like they're leading their 'People'-mandated "best lives" quite yet.
'Life & Style'
"Hailey & Justin – Baby Joy!" declares the all-smiles cover.
The Baldwin-Biebers are reportedly pregnant, though the happy couple may be the last to know.
"There's so much love and happiness," reports the rag.
There's been a Hollywood guessing game under way in recent days after Hailey Baldwin posted a photo of a gold chain around her bare midriff on social media and then quickly deleted it, and has been seen recently wearing loos-fitting clothes, fuelling speculation that she might be pregnant.
'Life & Style' has thrown caution to the wind and run with the story. Maybe they'll be right. Even a broken clock tells the correct time twice a day.
'In Touch'
Jennifer Aniston "Finally Talks – Why I haven't Dated in 5 Years"
When the 'Friends' star talks, she doesn't talk to Oprah Winfrey. Or the 'New York Times'. She doesn't talk to 'Entertainment Tonight' or the 'Hollywood Reporter'. She talks to 'In Touch' magazine.
Right. Sure she does.
Onwards and downwards . . .
