The national tragedy that never ends yields yet another cover story for the 'Enquirer' this week, revealing – not for the first time – that "Two Shooters Killed Kennedy!"
That's John F, not Robert F, just to be clear.
Former Secret Service agent Paul Landis recently came forward after almost 60 years to claim that the "magic bullet" that the Warren Commission believed struck the president and then ricocheted around Texas Governor John B. Connally, Jr. may not have been quite so acrobatic.
He has a new book coming out on October 10, of course, and it's worth noting that his latest recollection after six decades does not match key aspects of his official statements after the 1963 shooting, when events were presumably somewhat fresher in his mind.
Landis, aged 88, claims that the bullet long thought to have trajectoried through Connally actually fell out of JFK's back and somehow fell onto Connally's ambulance stretcher, implying that a different bullet, still unrecovered, had hit the governor, quite possibly from a second gunman.
Boasting an "Enquirer Exclusive" with a story that was published worldwide a week earlier, the rag brands the news a "gov't cover-up" and claims to reveal "Why Biden refuses to release assassination files!" – just as every president before him has refused to release the entirety of the files. Apparently it's because "Biden is protecting the CIA, which is hiding its involvement in a Deep State cabal to kill Kennedy for firing spy chief Allen Dulles."
Makes perfect sense once it's explained.
"Alien Mummies Found In Mine!"
And they have the photos to prove it: small humanoid figures with no teeth and three fingers.
The 'Enquirer' gives short shrift to seasoned scientists who patiently explain that there have been numerous such hoaxes – some criminal – where supposedly alien bodies have been discovered in Peru, only to be proven to be the exhumed remains of mutilated pre-Colombian children combined with animal parts.
The 'Enquirer,' naturally, decides the mummified remains "are proof aliens have visited Earth". Which would explain who's editing the 'Enquirer' these days.
The tabloid Weight Patrol is out in force again fat-shaming celebrities. New father Al Pacino has allegedly gained 50 pounds and "is digging his grave with a knife and fork" – though a shovel would probably be more efficient; "Fox News doughboy Bret Baier" is attacked for his "jowly new look," and "his sloppy appearance."; "Dumpy" Donald Trump "is putting his life at risk with fibs about weight" – apparently claiming that he tips the scales at only 215 pounds can be life-threatening; and "mammoth" 'Friends' star Matthew Perry "pigs out on junk and cigs." Factual reporting at its best.
"Howard Stern Marriage Explodes" screams this week's cover story. The "shock jock's wife" has been "held prisoner," claims the rag, promising to expose the radio host's "freaky paranoia and sick obsessions!"
Unnamed sources claim Stern's 15-year marriage to second wife, actress-model-author Beth Ostrosky, is "on the rocks , , , on the brink of a $650 million divorce!"
It's a story other media outlets haven't touched, but the 'Globe' surprisingly doesn't even add an "Exclusive" tag to its yarn – a banner it usually has no hesitation slapping on the oldest of stories – suggesting a lack of faith in its "sources."
The story appears to have been inspired by a comment Stern made on his own show earlier this month, when he confessed that he and his wife "got into a fight" because he is "going crazy" returning to the post-pandemic radio studio, making him "paranoid" as Covid-19 infections rise again.
It looks like the 'Globe' has taken this snippet and spun straw into straw.
As for Stern's "sick obsessions," allegedly he is obsessed with not getting sick. Oh, the horror.
"Loch Ness Monster Caught!" proclaims an irresistible headline.
Well, it's about time. And where are its captors keeping it? In a giant aquarium? As the latest attraction at SeaWorld?
Alas, the story reveals that Nessie has not in fact been captured, but only caught on film – or at least, something unidentified emerging from the water was immortalised on video in August. It's not even clear that it's a living creature, but the 'Globe' of course find "experts" who are "convinced" that the beast is real".
"Henpecked" Prince Harry and his "domineering" wife Meghan are yet again the target of the 'Globe' team of body language experts. Spotted laughing at the Invictus Games that Harry hosted in Germany this month, the rag claims: "Harry Comes Out Of Shell Away From Meghan Hell!"
Apparently laughing in the absence of his wife proves he is "like a puppy off a leash".
A "high-level courtier" allegedly told the tabloid: "Harry lights up when he's without Meghan!" One might reasonably ask what sort of senior palace grandee would ever make such an observation? Clearly the 'Globe' has access to only the highest levels of loquacious royal insiders.
"The Softer Side of Gordon Ramsay" dominates this week's cover, but no – it's not a centrefold of his immaculately waxed backside.
The tart-tongued chef evidently "overcame a painful childhood to build a culinary empire," and after 26 "happy" years of marriage has five children who "put me in my place." Which is presumably the kitchen. Behind his bluster Ramsay claims to be "incredibly sensitive" and is allegedly working to cut back on his swearing. WTF?
Prince William and Kate are "Remaking The Royal Family," according to the rag, which scored an exclusive sit-down interview with the heir to the British throne and his wife – as if.
No, it's a tabloid imagining of the young couple's marriage and future plans, "stepping up to protect the royals' legacy." What was 'Us Weekly' expecting – that William and Kate planned to follow Harry and Meghan to California and rent out Buckingham Palace on Airbnb?
Singer Shakira "proves living well is the best revenge" – despite all evidence that a gun will do the job better and faster – "as she embarks on a hot romance, gears up to release her first album in six years and settles into life at home in Miami."
Apparently all this is in revenge for breaking up with her lover of 11 years, pro soccer player Gerard Piqué.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that rapper Saweetie wore it best (or at least she showed the most under-boob), that singer Kellis loves "cooking with fire," and that the stars are just like us: they eat food samples at supermarkets, shop at Ikea, and chop up vegetables for dinner. Scintillating, as ever.
"Jill Duggar Tells All!" yells the front page. But no, she doesn't reveal where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, whether the Loch Ness monster is real, or how many gunmen actually shot JFK.
Rather than telling all, she confines her revelations to her "Monster Mom & Dad," reportedly claiming: "I was treated worse than my pedophile brother Josh." The rag claims these are "Bombshell revelations from her new memoir!"
'Life & Style'
The Kardashian clan includes more than its fair share of young mothers, and now the tabloid has the inside scoop, as "Kardashian Nannies Tell All!"
No, they don't reveal the true identity of Jack the Ripper, who killed Jon Benet Ramsey, or whether the pyramids were built by an alien civilisation – do these celebrities even understand the meaning of "telling all"? – but the childcare mavens do claim to reveal which of the Klan is "meanest to her staff," which Kardashian mother "doesn't believe in bedtimes," and "who regifts jewelry to the help."
Apparently Kim K "spoils kids rotten," Khloé "lives by strict rules," and Kourtney "drives everyone nuts." It's a shocking insight into the family that appears so perfect and down-to-earth to most outside observers.
Onwards and downwards . . .