"Is Biden Dying?" asks the cover story.
Aren't we all?
But rather than address such an existential question, the 'Enquirer' promises to expose the "shocking truth about Joe's health at age 80!"
Apparently the president is "ageing overnight" – doesn't everyone? – and "losing his marbles!"
The 'Enquirer' claims that Biden suffers from "progressive early-stage dementia, atrial fibrillation (AFib), degenerative spinal arthritis and stroke-causing stress!"
As if that's not enough to kill him, son Hunter Biden's recent criminal indictment apparently "boosts" the president's "stroke danger."
"Increasing numbers of Democrats and doctors fear the 80-year-old president will die before the end of his first term in 2025," the tabloid reports, perhaps with some slight statistical justification, and cites his mounting gaffes and trips of both tongue and foot.
The 'Enquirer' even enlists a "longevity expert" to observe that Biden has "significantly increased wrinkling and loss of facial fat . . . indicators of advanced aging."
Or perhaps surviving each day is a sign of ageing?
"NASA Stonewalls On UFO Findings!"
America's space agency has issued a report dismissing hundreds of alleged Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena as having an Earthly origin, and not emanating from outer space.
The 'Enquirer' naturally calls the report "whitewashed" and "part of an ongoing government conspiracy to hide the truth."
"It's All About Me-ghan!"
The Duchess of Sussex is branded a "clotheshorse" who "flaunts $320G outfits at charity event."
But the event was the six days of the Invictus Games for wounded warriors in Germany, and most of that estimated fashion bill came in jewellery, and not her clothing which came from off-the-rack high street stores such as J. Crew and Zara, as much as from high-end designers. Supposedly she dressed "to upstage her hubby" Prince Harry. The rag notes that fashion critics branded Meghan "a dowdy dud for her lacklustre fashion choices!" She just can't win.
"Katy Caught In Russell Rape Scandal"
The 'Enquirer' promises to reveal "What she knows!" but fails to offer any idea what that might be. They merely speculate about "fears" that the 'American Idol' judge "knew about predator ex-hubby." Or maybe she didn't. The tabloid has no idea.
"Divorce Hollywood Style!" declares the cover, though there's no apparent theme that unites the three broken marriages the rag highlights. There's no "style" at all; only heartache.
Kevin Costner is declared a "Winner!" for a divorce settlement in which he allegedly "cleans wife's clock!"
Following his recent criminal conviction Danny Masterson is understandably branded a "Loser!" and a "rapist blindsided!" while Hugh Jackman is also dubbed a "Loser!" after ending his reportedly "sexless marriage!"
There's no end to the 'Globe' editors' compassion, as the magazine reports with tender imagery: "Kevin Scrapes Greedy Wife Off His Shoe!"
Hugh Jackman's "$180M fortune" is allegedly "on the line in shocking split."
And Danny Masterson's wife Bijou Phillips has filed for divorce, leaving the convicted rapist "in the lurch" – which might more appropriately be the description for how he left his wife.
"Russell Brand Rocked By Rape Scandal. Katy Perry's ex branded vile, degenerate predator."
As opposed to a moral, lovable predator?
"Harry & Meghan Put On Their Happy Faces!"
The royal couple couldn't possibly be happy, could they? Not in this tabloid. The duo allegedly chose to "reboot" their image "with drastic cosmetic procedures."
"Meghan's forehead is now smooth," reports the rag, and to prove the point shows a recent photo of her face at rest, and then a 'before' picture, in which she's aggressively frowning. And photos never lie.
Prince Harry is allegedly "embracing hair plugs to cover embarrassing bald patches and getting a full set of pearly white $25,000 dental veneers to fix his once-crooked smile!"
The 'before'' and 'after' pictures of Harry's smile look identical.
Gwen Stefani is this week's cover girl, talking about "Love, Family & My New Chapter."
Trading in her glamorous style for cowboy boots and a down-home ranch in Oklahoma with country singer husband of two years Blake Shelton, she discovered "a whole new world" outside Los Angeles. Who knew that was out there?
Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals: "I'm much wiser now." That's a relief.
Kerry Washington hawks her memoir by discussing "the secret that turned my world upside down" – she discovered five years ago that she was conceived by a sperm donor, and the man she had called "Dad" was not her biological father. Scandal?
Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner's divorce battle dominates the front page, with the mag promising to reveal "The Real Story – Why They Split.'
Of course, Joe and Sophie reveal nothing – they're not talking – but unnamed "insiders" claim that the pressures of the Jonas Brothers' concert tour, coupled with juggling Turner's career and motherhood to two young ones made it "hard for them to settle into a regular routine".
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Sabrina Carpenter wore it best (and allows us to feel sorry for Priscilla Quintana who looked fabulous but still only garnered 7 per cent of the rag's Instagram followers' votes – the magazine is no longer randomly interviewing 100 people on New York streets for this regular feature, presumably because an unscientific online poll saves time and money), that Robin Thicke reveals how Meghan Markle used her calligraphic skills to write his 2006 wedding invitations, and that the stars are just like us: they go to the dentist, pick up their pets at the vet, and do voluntary work. How could we ever live without this information?
Katy Perry, whose ex-husband Russell Brand is facing rape and sex abuse allegations, is targeted by the mag's front cover this week, promising: "Katy Tells All – Russel Is A Monster."
The rag claims it will reveal "The Shocking Truth About Their Marriage!"
But open up the magazine and you'll find it's all a bait-and-switch sham. Katy has revealed absolutely nothing, least of all to 'In Touch.'
More than a decade ago Perry told 'Vogue' magazine about the trauma of her divorce from Brand, saying: "I felt a lot of responsibility for it ending, but then I found out the real truth, which I can't necessarily disclose because I keep it locked in my safe for a rainy day."
Ten years later, that's what 'In Touch' points to as the "shocking truth," even though they have no idea what Perry meant by the comment, because she's not talking to the rag, or anyone else for that matter.
'Life & Style'
Taylor Swift attended a Kansas City Chiefs game apparently to cheer on Travis Kelce, and 'Life & Style' devotes its front page to their "romantic first date," declaring: "It's On!"
The NFL pro is allegedly "already telling friends she's 'The One.'"
Only a cynic would suggest that she's dating him just to gather new material for her next hit breakup song.
Onwards and downwards . . .