'National Enquirer'
Britain's Royal soap opera demands a dramatic new plot twist every week, according to the tabloids – even if nothing happens to warrant one.
This week Queen Camilla allegedly issued a "divorce ultimatum" to husband King Charles: "It's Harry and Meghan or me!"
It's patently ludicrous, despite its place dominating the front page: Camilla is the Queen living in Buckingham Palace, while Harry and Meghan are persona non grata living in self-imposed exile in America.
Camilla reportedly wants "to ban the couple from Britain" – more nonsense, since banning anyone from the UK is beyond Charles' powers, which barely extend beyond cutting ribbons to open new widget factories and hugging the occasional tree.
She has allegedly banned Harry from seeing his father without an appointment, which is hardly a ban at all, simply a common courtesy for a monarch whose every minute is carefully scheduled.
Actress Sophie Turner starred in 'Game of Thrones,' so the 'Enquirer' naturally likens her divorce from singer Joe Jonas to a battle-to-the-death in the hit TV series, declaring: "Win Or Die! Sophie and Joe custody battle rips page from Game of Thrones."
No, it doesn't. There are no swords. No death pit. Just a bunch of overpaid attorneys and two angry, rather wealthy parents.
Singer Jessica Simpson is the target of the 'Enquirer' story: "Sly Jessica Turns Country Bumpkin!"
If turning into a "country bumpkin" means trying to forge a career in country music.
"Military Hellholes Exposed!"
Branding it a "National Disgrace!" the 'Enquirer' relates the findings of a Government Accountability Office report which claimed that some military barracks offered sub-standard living conditions and possible health and safety risks, including toilets leaking raw sewage and toxic black mold. Full credit to the tabloid for highlighting the shortcomings.
"Trump Exposed As Total Fraud!"
Shock! Horror! Hold the front page! Well, actually Page 17.
'Globe'
"Befuddled Biden betrayed!" screams the cover, claiming that Bill and Hillary Clinton both back Michelle Obama to replace Joe Biden in the 2024 presidential election.
"Backstabbing Bill and Hillary" are allegedly "pushing Michelle Obama to run for the White House in 2024" according to unnamed "political insiders." The Clintons supposedly believe that Biden is "too old" and that "polls prove he'll lose in '24."
The story ignores those who know Michelle Obama, who claim she has no desire to dive back into the excoriating and unforgiving goldfish bowl of the White House.
The Kardashian clan is in trouble again, as the 'Globe' reports: "Kourtney Caught In Mother Of All Lies!"
Did she insist that Donald Trump won the 2020 election? Did she claim that the insurrection of January 6, 2021 was a peaceful gathering?
No – she secured a permit to host a baby shower in Malibu, and then used the occasion to promote her health and wellness products.
"I am appalled," said Malibu mayor Bruce Silverstein. Oh, the humanity.
"Kate Will Never Mend Rift With Harry & Meghan!" reports the rag that has previously cast Princess Kate as the family peacemaker seeking a rapprochement with the Sussexes. Now Kate allegedly "wants nothing more to do with them." At least, until the 'Globe' changes its mind again.
Trust the intellectual heavyweights at the 'Globe' to open a debate on a cultural controversy with its op-ed piece: "Listen, Lizzo, saying obesity's unhealthy ain't fat shaming." Discuss among yourselves.
'People'
Proving that social media's supremacy has reached even the venerable corridors of 'People' magazine, the rag devotes its cover to Ruby Franke, a "YouTube Mom" arrested for allegedly starving and torturing her six children in Utah.
"Did She Abuse Her Kids for Fame?" asks the cover story, which appears to pose the question yet leans a heavy thumb on the scale of condemning her before any charges have been proven.
Taylor Swift and new beau Travis Kelce continue to captivate 'People' mag, as they do the rest of the tabloids, as 'People' reports that the duo "Take New York City!" If by taking NYC one means having dinner in SoHo and watching the Kansas City Chiefs beat the New York Jets at Met Life Stadium in New Jersey. Swift went on to party at Zero Bond private club in Manhattan, but sans Kelce.
The "Hottest Ticket In Hollywood" is a seat to watch the Los Angeles-based women's soccer team Angel City football club, according to the magazine. Perhaps someone should point out that Angel City tickets retail on the open market for as little as $54, whereas tickets for Taylor Swift's recent series of Los Angeles concerts started at $176 and sold on the open market for upwards of $1,400. You do the math.
'Us Weekly'
"I Don't Take Anything for Granted" says Mario Lopez, celebrating his 50th birthday as this week's cover hunk, his face Photoshopped to smooth lifeless perfection as if he's on the cover of 'People' mag.
He reflects on his humble beginnings, red-carpet memories, and plans for television domination. It's one of those unusual occasions when the magazine actually appears to have spoken with the celebrity it's quoting.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Jessica Alba wore it best, that 'Bachelor' franchise host Jesse Palmer "would've been an ambassador to Canada" if his American football career hadn't panned out, and that the stars are just like us: they eat in bed, take out the trash, and get facials (though what possessed Julianne Moore to allow herself to be photographed makeup-free being scrubbed by a skincare "magic wand" is beyond comprehension.
'In Touch'
Scoring an astonishing world exclusive, the rag leads its cover story with a "Palace Bombshell" to shake the British monarchy: "The Queen's Diaries Revealed!"
This word, "revealed" – it does not mean what you think it means.
Promising that the diaries expose "9 decades of her most private thoughts," the late monarch's most intimate journals reveal how the Queen "Never forgave Charles" for divorcing Diana, "Didn't trust Kate until George's birth," and "Felt Meghan trapped Harry!"
But the revelations appear less earth-shattering once you read the story inside the rag, and learn that 'In Touch' is completely out of touch with what may be hidden within Her Majesty's diaries, with the story confessing: "What exactly will be revealed remains to be seen."
It all stems from a report that King Charles has apparently assigned the Queen's trusted former aide, Paul Whybrew, to gather her private papers – not with a view to publication, since the Royal Family has a history of keeping its innermost secrets under lock and key, but simply to preserve them for posterity.
In other words, nothing from the Queen's diaries has yet been revealed.
'Life & Style'
Ben Affleck's past and present wives are allegedly "Fighting Over Ben!" as the rag claims it's "Jen vs. J.Lo."
Reportedly "tempers flare as Ben & Jen spend more time together," and "J.Lo rages when she gets jealous."
Sure she does.
Onwards and downwards . . .
