'National Enquirer'
"Iran Ignites World War III" screams the cover story, blaring: "Apocalypse Over Israel!"
The 'Enquirer' seems to forget that it declared the start of WWIII a year ago – in Ukraine.
With its trademark iron-clad grasp of global geopolitics, the rag rages: "Blundering Joe Biden helped trigger World War III by agreeing to swap American hostages held in Iran for $6 billion, which inspired Tehran's mullahs to green-light terror attacks on Israel".
But America didn't pay $6 billion in ransom to free the five hostages; it simply unfroze Iranian funds it had previously seized. And Iran can't get a single cent in cash from the funds, held in Qatar, but can only use the US-controlled fortune to request the purchase of food, medicine and humanitarian aid – not guns or bombs.
And as of last week, not a penny of the $6 billion had been spent.
"Ben Raises A Stink!" This is more in the 'Enquirer' area of expertise: Ben Affleck is allegedly "messing up his marriage to Jennifer Lopez" because he leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to flush, never replaces the toilet roll, and leaves towels lying around. Oh, the horror.
"Cruise Won't Bend For Beckhams!"
'Top Gun' superstar "Tom Cruise has been frozen out" by David and Victoria Beckham, "and is calling his former friends freeloading flakes," according to unnamed sources. Cruise threw a welcome party for the Beckhams when they arrived in Los Angeles in 2007. They have since moved to Madrid, Milan, and now Miami, and the 'Enquirer' seems shocked that Tom and David have not been seen together since 2014.
"Will & Jada's Marriage Was One Big Lie!"
After Jada Pickett Smith's recent revelation that she and husband Will Smith have been living "completely separate lives" for the past seven years, the 'Enquirer' gloats: "You read it here first." The rag fails to mention the marriages of Barack and Michelle Obama, George and Amal Clooney, Prince Harry and Meghan, King Charles and Camilla, and every other celebrity couple they have insisted were divorcing, only be be proven wrong year after year.
"Kennedy Kids Gut Their Bro: You're No RFK!"
Siblings are allegedly slamming Robert F Kennedy Jr's bid for the White House, branding his run "dangerous" for America "and a disgrace to the memory of their assassinated dad," the 'Enquirer' claims.
"Cruel Caitlyn Hits Below The Belt!"
Relishing the double entendre of its heavy-handed headline, the 'Enquirer' claims that Caitlyn Jenner "is planning another bombshell tell-all to exact revenge against the Kardashians for icing her out".
Caitlyn wrote about transitioning in her 2017 book 'The Secrets of My Life,' but the supposed new book "is going to skewer everyone around her," claims an unnamed "mole."
'Globe'
"William & Kate Destroy Meghan!"
The heir to the British throne and his wife have allegedly exacted "their ultimate revenge!"
What could William & Kate have possibly done? Hired a hitman? Threatened to expose candid photos of Harry & Meghan?
Much worse than that, according to the 'Globe,' which declares: "William & Kate Win Fame Game!"
Apparently Harry and Meghan only care about being famous and conquering Hollywood, but have "failed miserably" – despite having a hit Netflix series with another on the way, Harry's best-selling memoir 'Spare,' a successful Spotify podcast series, and Meghan signing with one of Hollywood's top talent agencies. Meanwhile William & Kate have zero film and TV production deals, no books or podcasts planned.
Yet the 'Globe' insists: "Meghan and Harry have all but lost the war with William and Kate to be top celebrity dogs," claiming that stars including Steven Spielberg, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Rob Lowe – all neighbors near the Sussexes' home in Montecito, California – "are staying away from them for fear of angering William and Kate."
And that's what qualifies as 'destroying' Meghan.
But that's not all – there's more royal scandal, as the 'Globe' reports: "Brothers Squabble Over Harry's Beard!"
It's a story lifted from Harry's memoir 'Spare' published in January, and after nine months of gestation has finally been birthed in this story about Harry wearing a beard for his 2018 wedding to Meghan, while older brother William argued that facial hair was "not the done thing" since beards were banned in the British Army, and Harry was getting married in uniform.
This is what counts as breaking news.
Actress Jane Seymour, aged 72, reportedly "is in love again", but the rag claims: "Marriage Bad Medicine For Smitten Jane." The former star of 'Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman,' has supposedly "never been happier" than with 74-year-old guitarist John Zambetti, but after four failed marriages she has no plans to wed.
"RFK Jr Holds All The Cards!"
Apparently ignoring RFK Jr's family criticism, the 'Globe' claims: "Clintons & Obamas want him to join slick plot to make Michelle president."
Sure, that'll work.
"Why Rock Never Loses A Fight!"
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson supposedly never loses a fight in his films. – because there's a clause in his contract that says he cannot lose – if he wants.
'People'
Britney Spears dominates this week's cover, declaring: "I'm Finally Free to Tell My Story."
Plugging her new memoir 'The Woman in Me,' the singer tells of shaving her head, her fear that she would be bitten by the snake costarring in her 2001 VMA appearance, and her "soul-crushing" conservatorship. "It is finally time for me to raise my voice and speak out," she says.
"Nightmare in the Middle East" warrants two pages, for "a 'destroyed' dream of peace." The death of actress Suzanne Summers gets six pages of coverage.
Priorities.
'Us Weekly'
Ariana Madix – if you don't know who she is, you're not watching enough reality TV – is this week's cover girl, talking about: "Love, Fame & What I've Learned."
Surviving "heartbreak" on TV's 'Vanderpump Rules,' Madix is now "dancing her way into America's hearts" on 'Dancing With The Stars.' How else does one overcome the humiliation of being publicly dumped by a boyfriend of nine years?
It's wall-to-wall reality stars in this week's 'Us Weekly' – 14 pages of "stars" whose on-screen lives are scripted, produced and directed, yet claim to be portraying reality.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Lisa Rinna wore it best, that the stars are just like us – they walk in the woods, have game nights and shop for groceries – and that reality TV's Tiffany Pollard has watched the movie 'Misery' "over 80 times," which seems guaranteed to make the film's title self-fulfilling.
'In Touch'
"Scary Skinny Meghan Cracking Under Pressure!"
Apparently the Duchess of Sussex is losing weight, displaying her "frail frame" and "sunken eyes" due to "Money Woes, Constant Criticism, & Struggling as a Mom."
Insiders claim: "Harry's pushing to move their family to New York City."
Sure. That will solve everything.
'Life & Style'
"Kim's Worst Nightmare" is apparently her ex-husband Kanye West's former squeeze Julia Fox who "Tells All!"
Fox, who dated West for a full month, allegedly reveals why Kim K's "marriage to Kanye really fell apart," and "how she 'broke Kourtney's heart.'" Well, she would know, wouldn't she?
Onwards and downwards . . .
