"Natalee's Killer Gets Away With Murder!" indignantly screams that bastion of truth, justice and the American way, the 'National Enquirer.'
"Shameless Meghan Seduces Costner!"
Jordan Van Der Sloot is already serving 28 years in a Peruvian jail for another murder, so even though he isn't receiving an additional sentence for Natalee Holloway's murder in Aruba 18 years ago, at least her family finally know what happened to her. That was the basis of his plea deal: finally giving Holloway's family the truth about her "disappearance" without additional prison time.
If talking to Kevin Costner at a party when your husband, Prince Harry, is standing right next to you, counts as a "hookup," then yes, Meghan seduced him.
But does that warrant the headline: "Kevin On Meghan's Casting Couch"?
"Meghan beamed at Kevin throughout the event," claims an unnamed insider, and "when her husband presented Costner with a tribute, she clapped wildly". Oh, the brazen hussy, clapping right under her husband's nose.
Harry was allegedly humiliated while Meghan ignored his "obvious discomfort."
Or maybe this story is obvious nonsense?
"Mila & Ashton $240 Million Divorce Crisis!"
The duo have received criticism for supporting their friend, convicted rapist Danny Masterson. "They're blaming each other," says an unnamed insider, who claims: "It's putting an amazing strain on their relationship." Sure it is.
"Dolly Dishes It Out!"
Country singer Dolly Parton is reportedly launching an advice show podcast. Offering tips on plastic surgery, perhaps?
"Ozzy's Ruff Spot Over Pooches!"
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne apparently want to relocate to the UK, but Ozzy refuses to leave without his pet dogs. There's no mention of any pet bats.
"Sex-Crazy Barbra Wears Brolin Out!"
Funny Girl star Barbra Streisand, aged 81, is allegedly "insatiable" in bed, and husband James Brolin is "having trouble keeping up".
Well, the 'Enquirer' would know what goes on in the privacy of their Malibu bedroom, wouldn't they?
"Wedding Bells & A Baby For Swooning Swift."
Taylor Swift is evidently in a rush to tie the knot and get pregnant with her boyfriend of several weeks, NFL star Travis Kelce. Makes perfect sense. After a succession of failed romances what 33-year-old woman wouldn't want to immediately get pregnant by the first man who stopped by to say hello?
"Epstein Sex Slave Murdered!" blares the front page.
Carolyn Andriano, whose testimony helped put convicted pedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein's right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell behind bars, was killed as part of a "chilling new cover-up" and her drug overdose death was "staged" so that it "looked like accident."
But the 'Globe' doesn't seem so sure of its story once you delve inside the rag, where the headline is a less definitive: "Epstein Sex Slave Death Mystery!"
Andriano is reportedly the "sixth slaying linked to evil conspiracy" – the word "slaying" doing some heavy lifting when the other deaths appear to have been by natural causes or suicide, and the "conspiracy" supposedly involving "fat cats linked to the foul flesh peddler . . . covering their tracks by killing anyone who knows too much!"
Police concluded that Andriano died from an accidental overdose of methadone, fentanyl and Xanax, which the 'Globe' naturally calls a "cover-up."
"Kate's Parents Go Broke."
The Duchess of Cambridge's parents Carole & Michael Middleton's party store business declared bankruptcy, and Prince William's in-laws are "accused of stiffing angry creditors out of $3.2 million!"
The story broke in Britain in June, but that doesn't stop the 'Globe' belatedly running the story under the heading: "Breaking News."
"Junk Food J.Lo!"
After making a stop at a McDonald's to grab a burger, Jennifer Lopez is photographed looking down at her lap, most likely gazing at her mobile phone, and like almost everyone else in the world who bends their head far forward, momentarily appears to have the slightest hint of a double chin.
The 'Globe' reports: "Pals say the Latina hottie has sprouted love handles and a double chin from the fattening treats."
Do they? And "Latina hottie?" Seriously? That's a phrase straight out of a late 1950s Hollywood photo-mag.
The cosmetic surgeries of the stars continue to fascinate the 'Globe,' which reports that Priscilla Presley is "desperate to correct kisser 20 years after injection hell," and informs readers "How Madonna's Face Got Freaky," intuiting a number of cosmetic procedures over the years. Gwyneth Paltrow is also thrown into the mix, alleging that she had "Botox-type injections and they backfired," under the headline: "Wrinkle Jabs Left Gwyn Cockeyed!" Nice to know the 'Globe' cares so much.
"18 Years After She Vanished – Justice for Natalee Holloway," declares this week's cover story.
Taking a very different angle on this story from the 'Enquirer,' the mag reports on the fight by the slain girl's mother to finally uncover the truth about her 2005 disappearance, viewing the killer's confession as a victory even if it means Van Der Sloot does not receive any additional custodial sentence.
"I wanted answers as to what happened to Natalee versus exact sentence time," says her mother, Beth Holloway.
Meg Ryan is interviewed explaining "Why she took a 'giant break'" – eight years – "from Hollywood" . . . except she doesn't explain it. In fact, she studiously avoids explaining it. She's apparently not comfortable with fame, enjoyed spending time with her children, and says of Hollywood: "It's nice to think of it as a job and not a lifestyle." But why she disappeared from movies for eight years, 'People' mag can't say.
"Justin Timberlake – Under Fire," proclaims the front page.
After Britney Spears claimed in her newly-published memoir to have had an abortion because then-boyfriend Timberlake wasn't ready for fatherhood and repeatedly cheated on her, he has been targeted by Spears' fans "calling him out."
Timberlake isn't commenting on this, but that doesn't stop the rag from quoting supposed "insiders" who claim that Timberlake is "disappointed" and "regrets that he hurt Britney." Sounds like a sensational exclusive to me.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kate Hudson wore it best, that TV's former 'Bachelorette' star Katie Thurston "had to sell my violin when I was a kid in order to pay for volleyball" (did she want to play the sport with no strings attached?) and that the stars are just like us: they shop for toys, roll suitcases, and lace up their shoes. Revelatory, for those who previously assumed that the stars had personal assistants who tied their shoelaces for them.
'Life & Style'
"Taylor & Travis Making Plans for the Future."
Swift and Kelce are probably discussing where to have dinner and whether their schedules will allow them to get together for Thanksgiving, but the rag claims the couple are "buying a home together," which seems so premature as to be risible. Swift has been through enough relationships that ended badly (with a song as her bonus prize) that she surely knows better than to plunge into the housing market so soon in a romance. Especially with mortgage interest rates so high.
"Did Justin Destroy Britney?"
The front page is yet another example of Betteridge's law of headlines: If it ends with a question mark, then the answer is: "No."
The rag blames Timberlake for Spears' "tragic public spiral that led to rehab and the fight to get her life back."
No wonder Spears' fans are upset with him. She was pregnant at 19, broke up with Timberlake in 2002 at the age of 20, and suffered her breakdown . . . five long years later. Yep, must be Timberlake's fault.
Onwards and downwards . . .