'National Enquirer'
There must be scant news around this week, if the best the 'Enquirer' can manage is "Hollywood's Most Eligible Bachelors!" – a list of Hollywood hunks (with "more studs inside!") including Leonardo DiCaprio, Bradley Cooper, Harry Styles, Hugh Jackman, Jamie Foxx and Kevin Costner.
They may be eligible, but the 'Enquirer' not unreasonably asks: "Are they worth it?" With this group's history of divorces and shattered relationships, that's a good question.
"Jen Aniston Face Is Ruined!"
Grammatical mangling aside, the star of 'The Morning Show' has allegedly suffered a "Nip/tuck nightmare!" and her "new face freaks out fans!"
This story is inspired by viewers who supposedly claim Aniston's appearance seems to have changed for the worse, and unnamed "top doctors" telling the 'Enquirer' she has undergone "scads of secret surgeries and cosmetic procedures".
You can't argue with science or gossip.
"Dead Queen's Bestie Trashed Meghan!"
Lady Anne Glenconner, a 91-year-old former palace lady-in-waiting to the Queen's sister, Princess Margaret, indeed claimed that Duchess Meghan thought Royal life would be "riding around in a golden coach and having a wonderful time," rather than the "extremely boring" reality of meeting thousands of people "and saying something interesting and nice to each person."
She also claimed to have sat at King Charles' Coronation beside US Secretary of State John Kerry, who allegedly said that Americans "all feel very, very sorry for Harry."
The State Department came close to denying the story, but intriguingly didn't go all the way: a spokesperson said that Lady Glenconner was "wrong" to have made her comments, and that John Kerry "does not remember" being asked about Prince Harry. Hardly a categorical denial.
Republican Jim Jordan failed in three votes to become Speaker of the House, but the 'Enquirer' claims it wasn't because he was unable to secure the backing of his party's extreme right wing, but rather because of "his involvement in a gay sexual abuse scandal!"
As if that would ever stop Republicans from giving their support.
The 'Enquirer' accuses Jordan of covering up "shocking sex abuse" by former Ohio State doctor Richard Strauss at the time when Jordan served as an assistant wrestling coach at the university between 1987 and 1995. Jordan has denied all knowledge of the alleged abuse by Strauss of at least 177 men. It's been almost 30 years since then, and Jordan has risen steadily through the ranks of Congress – why would a gay sex scandal suddenly stop his rise now? The 'Enquirer' claims it was "the fatal blow in his quest to become Speaker!" If you say so.
"Posh Spice Marriage In Crisis!"
Posh Spice AKA Victoria Beckham and her soccer star husband David are reportedly "reeling" in the wake of his former assistant Rebecca Loos repeating allegations of an affair she claimed to have had with the sporting legend almost 20 years ago. The new Netflix docuseries 'Beckham' skirted the affair, so Loos was dragged out by enterprising journalists to repeat her old claims, which will come as zero surprise to Victoria. If the Beckham marriage is in crisis, it's unlikely to be because of an alleged affair two decades ago being dragged up again.
'Globe'
"Frail Charles – Renouncing The Throne!" screams the cover.
Some far-fetched tabloid stories are impossible to disprove, but this one should be proven wrong within days.
King Charles is allegedly "battling a fatal heart problem" and is "giving up the throne when his family gathers to celebrate his 75th birthday next week" according to "stunned palace insiders".
His Royal Highness turns 75 on November 14, so we can look forward to the big announcement that day – or more likely, shrug when it never happens.
Charles spent more than 73 years waiting to ascend to the throne, and isn't about to relinquish it for a "heart crisis and killer stress". – medical issues that have somehow eluded the best of the Royal correspondents from Fleet Street who spend every waking moment monitoring such details.
"Meryl & Hubby Lived 6-Year Lie!"
No, they didn't.
Meryl Streep and sculptor husband Don Gummer separated more than six years ago, and both were apparently very aware of their split – they just didn't tell the media about it. That's not living a lie; it's keeping their personal lives private.
"Britney Living In A Hellhole!"
If your idea of a hellhole is a luxury California mansion with maids, personal assistants, gardeners, pool cleaners and an entourage, then yes, Britney Spears is living in a hellhole.
The singer is allegedly "ignoring her personal hygiene" – which hardly makes her home a hellhole, though it might make friends cringe – and has let her home become a "pet poop-filled pigsty" according to unnamed insiders. Oh, the horror.
A source tells the 'Globe': "The cleaners can't keep up with all the food she's leaving to mop up."
Yes, you read that right: "cleaners" – plural. Seriously, how much of a hellhole could it be with multiple cleaners to "mop up" any mess?
'People'
Matthew Perry's death dominates this week's cover, which says simply: "Goodbye, Friend," and inside headlines its ten-page report: "Farewell to the One Who Made Us Laugh."
There's no new information, but it's a compassionate tribute to a troubled and well-liked man.
"The massacre in Maine" where a lone gunman killed 18 and wounded 13 more, which would have likely been this week's cover story before Perry's sudden death, gets four pages.
Joan Collins, looking fabulous at 90, tells 'People' magazine: "I have to say that these large pillow lips make everybody look the same." Indeed they do.
'Us Weekly'
Matthew Perry is understandably this week's cover story, promising to take readers "Inside His Final Days."
But there's nothing revelatory here: he was "focused on getting healthy," playing pickleball, seeing friends (but not Friends friends) and meditating.
Well, that explains everything.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Danielle Deadwyler wore it best, that actress Francia Raisa "can't live without lip balm," and that the stars are just like us: they get flu shots, order from food carts, and – shockingly – "they take the escalator!" Who knew?
"In Touch'
Reese Witherspoon "Tells All! – Surviving My Worst Year Ever."
The actress explains why she "stepped away from Hollywood," and "how she learned to manage depression and anxiety."
Witherspoon has spoken about her postpartum depression and anxiety many times before, but did she really sit down to talk with 'In Touch' magazine? What do you think?
'Life & Style'
"Pop Star Kids Tell All."
Sure, let's all believe that the offspring of Beyoncé, Will Smith, Madonna and Mariah Carey – all children under 12 years old – sat down for talks with the rag. As if. Not one of those stars would agree to talks with 'Life & Style,' so would they really sacrifice their beloved poppets on the altar of tabloid journalism? I think not.
Onwards and downwards . . .
