"Matthew Perry Didn't Have To Die!" screams the cover, declaring: "Grim cover-up exposed!"
Apparently "the truth behind the tragic funnyman's final minutes is being buried by the Los Angeles County Medical Examiner."
The 'Enquirer' claims Perry was "swallowed by by depression and anxiety."
The actor supposedly assured friends he was well, leading an unnamed insider to claim: "If only he'd gotten more support, he may have been able to deal with the demons that devoured him in the end."
But the 'Enquirer' is assuming facts not in evidence: that Perry died by some act of his own, whether it be abusing booze or drugs, rather than the possibility that he died of a heart attack, stroke, aneurism, or as a result of years of abusing his health.
The County Medical Examiner is awaiting the results of toxicology tests, which hardly amounts to a "cover-up."
"Iran Sleeper Cells Infiltrate America!"
It would be surprising if they didn't.
But the 'Enquirer' quotes an unnamed former CIA operative quoting yet another unnamed "tipster" (you can just feel the trail of evidence growing murkier by the minute) claiming that Iranian "sleeper cells are poised to be unleashed" on America "as punishment" for the US support of Israel.
"Vengeful Islamic terrorists" are allegedly "plotting a massive massacre to mirror last month's horrific attack on civilians in Israel."
The tipster adds that "law enforcement has no idea of the killers' identities – or whereabouts."
Maybe they should ask the 'Enquirer' who they are and where they're hiding.
Stoking anti-Muslim hatred, the rag also runs a companion story warning readers: "Danger May Be Lurking Right Next Door!" and carries the provocative headline: "How you can fight back."
That couldn't possibly have any real-world repercussions, could it?
Thankfully the 'Enquirer' hasn't forgotten to cover the stories that really matter to its readers.
"Ben's Back In The Doghouse!"
Ben Affleck reportedly refuses to clean up feces left by his eight dogs and a cat, angering wife Jennifer Lopez.
"Van Damme Can't Muscle Into Arnie's Inner Circle."
Arnold Schwarzenegger allegedly won't forgive Jean-Claude Van Damme for years of "trash-talking," and won't shake the Belgian action star's hand or meet him for lunch. Tragic.
"Blake's Botox Beauty Secret."
Has Blake Shelton undergone cosmetic procedures to eliminate crow's feet and forehead lines? An unnamed source seems to think so.
"Taylor's Bottom Line: Get Sexier For Travis!"
The 'Enquirer' is convinced that Taylor Swift is intimidated by boyfriend Travis Kelce's former girlfriends being "bootylicious babes" and so "is doing everything she can to pump up her pancake-like posterior." Sure she is. Isn't that the bottom line in any relationship?
The cover story finally tells readers what they may have long suspected: "Trump, 77, Battling Dementia!"
This might come as no surprise to anyone who has watched Trump in recent years.
The former president's mental decay is allegedly "As Bad As Biden!" Wow – is it that bad?
Doctors who have never met or examined the orange blowhard declare: "Trump Losing His Marbles!"
He is accused of making verbal blunders like predicting that Biden would push America into World War II, and confusing Sioux City, Iowa with Sioux Falls, South Dakota – the sort of errors he has been making for years.
An unnamed doctor says of dementia: "The major symptom is poor judgment, impulsivity" and "unrealistic self-appraisal." That sounds like a textbook description of Donald Trump.
"Matthew Perry Killed Himself!"
Well, thank goodness the 'Globe' was able to expose the L.A. Coroner's cover-up and get to the truth.
And how did the former 'Friends' star kill himself, you ask?
He allegedly "died lonely and bitter," but "had only himself to blame," and was "his own worst enemy."
Solving the mystery behind his premature death at the age of 54 – though the accuracy-obsessed 'Globe' somehow manages to add five years and calls him 59 – the rag reveals that Perry would sit alone in the hot tub where he was found dead, "and mope about everything and the sorry state of his life."
Right. That'll kill you every time. That, and slipping under the water for ten minutes.
"Prince Albert Reign Of Terror Exposed! Monaco ruler's secret police silence all critics including his wife."
The principality's prince is branded "a virtual tyrant backed by a sprawling gestapo-like police force that will stop at nothing to protect him" in a "police state with an Orwellian spy system of more than 1,000 video cameras covering every move made" inside its borders.
As proof of this, Albert is accused of ordering "his storm troopers" to raid the homes of his personal wealth manager, chief of staff, attorney and the Monaco Supreme Court's president, all of whom were reportedly implicated in a $1 billion government corruption scandal. Raiding the homes of corruption suspects is Gestapo-like? Really?
"Camilla Turns Screws On Kate!"
Britain's Queen Camilla is reportedly "determined to put William's wife in her place before king quits."
If Camilla thought her husband was about to abdicate, as the tabloids have vociferously claimed, would she really shoot herself in the glass-slippered foot by alienating the one woman who would become queen in her stead?
Unnamed "palace insiders" claim that Camilla "is taking every chance to dump on the pretty future queen," adding: "Camilla's turned into the mother-in-law from hell."
That's a strange development coming from a publication that has spent the past decade declaring that Camilla is already a booze-addled and vindictive mother-in-law from hell.
Bestiality seems to have captivated the 'Globe' this week, which reports on an Arkansas man whose "Teddy Bear Sex Arrest" followed an assignation with a "stuffed animal" in his car, and the "horse lover lassoed over threesome with his pet" in Washington state, who allegedly tried to persuade a sex worker to join him and "my little pony!" Understandably, the horse isn't talking.
"O.J. Simpson On Brink Of Death!" The ex-con who was found civilly liable for his ex-wife's death "secretly fights incurable heart disease" and is "trapped in prison of pain," claims the 'Globe,' which offers zero sympathy, branding him a "remorseless monster." Strange – it's not like the 'Globe' to pull its punches.
Patrick Dempsey is this year's "Sexiest Man Alive" at the age of 57, dominating the cover and another ten pages inside, but for good measure the magazine gives readers an additional 133 "men we love."
There's 34 pages of this, not including the cover, the contents page and the editor's letter that are also devoted to sexy men. Because there's nothing else of importance happening in the world.
"Princess Kate's New Era" declares the cover story. Her Royal Highness is reportedly "trading fancy frocks for power suits and showing her low-key side with the public" as she undergoes a "modern makeover."
Did she sit down for an interview with the magazine? Hell, no.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Maddie Ziegler wore it best, that 'Mean Girls' alum Jonathan Bennett (proof again that the rag is running out of celebrities to profile) will "usually sit to pee because I'm lazy," and that the stars are just like us: they shop for souvenirs, carry bags, and "check the engine!" – though Maurice Urmansky is actually checking the empty trunk at the front of his sports car, because the engine is in the rear. Apparently the rag can't be bothered to even look at its own photos.
Matthew Perry's death dominates the cover, which declares: "Matthew Could Have Been Saved."
If he had been pulled from the hot tub where he drowned, perhaps he could have been saved. Or if he'd been persuaded not to ride the jet ski in 1997 that injured his back that led him to become addicted to painkillers and alcohol that damaged his body and if he had managed to quit drinking and stop taking opioids despite at least 15 stints in rehab and if his colon had not exploded and if he'd not flatlined in a Swiss rehab clinic and if he'd not stepped into the hot tub then yes, perhaps he could have been saved. Or maybe not.
'Life & Style'
Prince Harry and Meghan have made a "Secret Deal With King Charles" and are "Moving Back To London," allegedly "renting massive Kensington Palace apartment." The couple lived in a two-bedroom cottage on the palace grounds after their 2018 wedding, but within months moved to Frogmore Cottage on the grounds of Windsor Castle, which they have since relinquished. Why would they return to Kensington Palace to live cheek by jowl with his brother Prince William, since the antagonistic duo are estranged and barely on speaking terms?
'Life & Style' seems to think that would be the answer to Harry and Meghan's woes: "Marital Problems, No Income & $28 Million In Debt."
Don't hold your breath.
Onwards and downwards . . .