"Tragic Britney Going Broke!" declares the cover story.
Ms. Spears has allegedly "burned through her whopping $60 million fortune" in the past two years – but it's not entirely her fault, claims the tender-hearted and patiently understanding 'Enquirer.'
The "former pop princess has been bled dry after being used as a cash cow" by her estranged parents, ex-husband and the father of her sons, it explains.
Yet she is also "engaging in wild luxury spending sprees after being kept on a tight leash, tipsters tattle." As tipsters are wont to do.
"Dazed Biden Suffering Secret Mini-Strokes!"
The team of crack neuroscientists on staff at the 'Enquirer' have concluded their long-distance psychic examination of the president and diagnosed his occasional verbal and physical mis-steps as the result of "a series of brain-rocking mini-strokes."
Can't argue with medical science.
"Prince Andrew Caught In New Sex Crime Probe! 57 victims tell all!"
But the 57 victims aren't mentioning the prince, because it's his erstwhile friend, Canadian fashion mogul Peter Nygard, who is facing the accusations, not Andrew.
Nygard allegedly faces New York sex trafficking and conspiracy charges, and the 'Enquirer' claims "lawmen are looking to grill King Charles' kid brother". Not that any lawmen are saying anything of the sort.
Nicole Kidman is supposedly "wasting away!"
The grammatically challenged 'Enquirer' claims the "105-lb. star so skinny you can count her ribs!"
How many ribs does Kidman display? In a gross failure of journalistic integrity, the 'Enquirer' fails to say.
"The Skinny on Joe Fatone's New Bod!"
The NSYNC star whose name – Fat One – literally begs for interrogation by the tabloid fat-shaming squad, is celebrated for confessing that he lost weight by having "fat removal from his gut and chin". He says: "There's nothing to be embarrassed about!" It must be embarrassing enough just being a 46-year-old member of a boy band.
"Epstein Madam Cheats Death In Prison Hit!" screams the front page.
Billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's BFF Ghislaine Maxwell "barely survived being murdered" in an attack in a Florida federal prison, claims the 'Globe,' offering zero evidence that this ever happened, and naturally claiming the assault was "hushed up" by prison officials.
Never having met a conspiracy theory it didn't like, the 'Globe' goes on to claim that Maxwell "has been marked for death by a cabal of Epstein's rich and powerful clients, who have already snuffed at least seven insiders to guarantee their sick trysts with his underage harem never become public."
Seven murders – including Epstein, whose suicide by hanging was apparently also a murder covered up by powerful enemies – all swept under the carpet? That's impressive work by this mystery cabal. Where's Hercule Poirot when you need him?
"Wobbly Wynona Needs Therapy Stat!"
Country crooner Wynona Judd is allegedly an "emotional wreck" who "hasn't recovered from mother's shocking suicide" last year.
Thankfully she has the caring and compassionate 'Globe' telling her to buck up and put her dead mother in the rear view mirror.
"Giant UFO Raided U.S. Military Base!"
The photo of a glowing red square shining a beam of light down onto an Air Force base in California is blessedly described as a "dramatic recreation," but the story is presented as fact: "A massive UFO – glowing red and the size of a football field. – triggered a wild panic".
Admittedly, this was over 20 years ago, but a whistle-blowing USAF veteran has belatedly come forward to describe the 300-foot-long craft that supposedly hovered above Vandenberg Air Force Base.
The Pentagon's retiring UFO-chasing czar Dr Sean Kirkpatrick, however, warns that if UFOs are not aliens, then they may be craft sent by foreign powers, "and that's not good." Would aliens be any better?
"Harry & Meghan Are In Too Deep!"
No, there's no problem with the heated swimming pool at their estate in Montecito, California. The 'Globe' claims the couple's "wild spending & A-list living may put 'em in the poorhouse."
Or perhaps that's a misprint, and if they're in too deep maybe their spending could put them in the poolhouse?
"Insiders believe the Duke and Duchess of Sussex can't sustain their rarified life and are spiralling toward financial disaster!" claims the rag, which says they "spend like drunken sailors". That would be drunken sailors who travel the world attending environmental summits and taking long walks hand-in-hand on Caribbean beaches.
"Matthew Perry Got High Before Hot Tub Horror!"
Toxicology test results are still pending, but this is not quite what Perry's former girlfriend Kayti Edwards actually said.
She was quoted saying: "I don't believe he just drowned in his Jacuzzi," and added: "I think he might have taken pills in the weeks leading up to this."
Edwards admits she's speculating, but the 'Globe' turns her belief into a cold hard fact. Journalism at its finest.
Joanna & Chip Gaines are this week's cover couple, celebrating 20 years of marriage, saying: "Change Is Hard, but Beautiful." Is it, though?
The stars of reality series 'Fixer Upper' say: "We look at life differently now." After 20 years, don't we all?
'People' mag loves stories of tragedy overcome, and this week is no different.
There's Marty Tankleff, sent to prison at 19 for killing his parents – a crime he did not commit – who is now free and helping liberate other innocents behind bars.Then there's Diane Bazella, who belatedly discovered she was "switched at birth."
Plus Hollywood stuntman David Holmes, now confined to a wheelchair and friends with Daniel Radcliffe, for whom he doubled in 'Harry Potter' movies, though it's hard to say if 'People' mag is impressed with Holmes for overcoming his disability or for overcoming his friendship with Radcliffe.
And then there's Brigitte Nielsen, who says: "I'm A Better Parent At 60!" and who appears to have overcome the difficult ordeal of being Brigitte Nielsen.
Hot couple du jour Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's "Secret Holiday Plans!" are unveiled – or, more likely, guessed at. The duo who have already met one another's families and are now allegedly "preparing for a cozy year-end getaway."
Prince Harry is reportedly "Making Peace With Charles" despite every report out of England suggesting an ever-widening chasm between monarch and son.
Thankfully we have 'Us Weekly' bringing us the benefit of its crack investigative team to tell us that Zoey Deutch wore it best, that Erin Andrews would like to be a meteorologist and "switch lives" with "Jennifer Aniston or Julia Roberts," and that the stars are just like us: they go bowling, shop for groceries, and "take tourist snaps!" Incredible!
"Engaged By Christmas" screams the cover story, referring, of course, to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, who after dating for just a few months in between her hectic touring schedule and his NFL pro games, supposedly are racing to the altar. Kelce is now allegedly "secret ring shopping and planning the perfect proposal!" No doubt he's called the editorial board at 'In Touch' for advice.
'Life & Style'
Prince George and Princess Charlotte are "Off To Boarding School!" declares the cover story, making it sound suspiciously like another monarch declaring: "Off with their heads!"
"After months of tense discussions with King Charles, the palace confirms the pair will leave home – together!" The young siblings are heading to 180-year-old Marlborough College, claims the rag.
But not so fast!
Despite widespread speculation, the palace has issued no confirmation that either George or Charlotte will be packed off for a childhood of parental deprivation, emotional stunting and sadistic corporal punishment.
And while their mother, Princess of Wales Kate Middleton, recently visited her alma mater Marlborough College, that doesn't necessarily mean that she and Prince William have decided to send their two eldest offspring to that venerable institution. William is evidently of the opinion that George should follow in his footsteps at Eton. George has some very tiny shoes to fill.
Onwards and downwards . . .