"Scientology's Darkest Secrets Exposed!" screams the cover story, which fails to live up to its ambitions.
This is what passes as an exposé: "Celebs used as stooges!"
Never saw that coming.
"Fast cars and easy money!"
Senior Scientology officials allegedly use church funds to live the high life. Just like so many televangelists, a cynic might suggest.
Scientology has been accused of destroying families, emptying adherents' wallets and acting like a cult – allegations the pseudo-church denies – but the "darkest secrets" the 'Enquirer' can muster are these?
"Brain Damage Fear For Confused Kim!"
Kim Kardashian is allegedly "suffering from massive memory lapses and brutal blackouts."
The source for this story is none other than the reality TV star herself, who apparently confessed on a recent episode of 'The Kardashians' that she has had moments of forgetfulness. She blamed this on a frenetic work schedule and lack of sleep. The 'Enquirer,' which knows best, found a doctor who has never treated Kardashian to diagnose her problem as brain damage.
Science journalism at its best.
"Vampire Ex Still Bleeding Phil Dry!"
Phil Collins' ex-wife Orianne is auctioning off personal items including some of Phil Collins' former possessions that she was awarded in their divorce. She's selling her belongings, not "bleeding Phil dry."
Xenophobia is the 'Enquirer' stock in trade, this week scare-mongering by warning readers that having created the Covid-19 virus in a biolab, now "China Readies Army of 8 Killer Viruses!"
Chinese government researchers reportedly found eight previously unknown viruses on a remote island off its southern coast, which an unnamed insider (who views the Chinese like a governmental Bond villain) claims "presents an opportunity they can't pass up" to develop the strains into bioweapons "to weaken and destabilise the West".
More scientific reporting par excellence.
"King Charles Disowns Sex Creep Andrew!" breathlessly declares the cover.
The rag claims that the late billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's friend Prince Andrew has been "kicked out of family home" by King Charles, "banned from royal gatherings," and is "humiliated & left penniless!"
This might come as a surprise to the ranks of the British royal press corps who just weeks ago reported that Charles had agreed to let Andrew remain in residence at Royal Lodge, the 30-room mansion he has shared with ex-wife Sarah Ferguson since 2004.
Andrew was also with brother Charles at Balmoral Castle in Scotland this summer, having spent last Christmas with Charles and the rest of the royal family at Sandringham.
That doesn't prevent the 'Globe' from streaming a banner headline across two pages: "Sex Creep Andrew Is Dead & Buried!"
Humiliated? Certainly. Penniless? Don't expect to see Prince Andrew sitting outside a London Underground station with an upturned hat on the floor and a small cardboard sign reading: "Will Open Factory Buildings For Food" any time soon.
"Arnie's Still A Barbarian!"
California's former governor Schwarzenegger has been photographed appearing to kiss a couple of women, including actress Timea Palacsik, 38 years his junior, neither of whom are his girlfriend of more than a decade, physical therapist Heather Milligan, a mere 27 years his junior.
It's far from clear from the photos whether Arnold and any of these women were exchanging a friendly greeting or parting peck on the cheek, or perhaps something more amorous. The 'Globe' unusually errs on the side of caution, saying only that Schwarzenegger was seen "openly cozying up with other gals" and "smooching," which is the equivalent of the publication saying that it's not at all sure there's anything to the story at all.
The tabloid weight police are out in force as usual: "David Caruso Packs On 50 Lbs!" declares the rag that has clearly hacked every digital bathroom scale in Hollywood, while Ozzy Osbourne's wife is allegedly "under 100 lbs" as "Sickly Sharon Wasting Away." A doctor who has never treated Caruso naturally says that "food is killing" the actor, while Osbourne's slim-line looks after using weight reduction drug Ozempic comes with her own self-critical analysis: "I'm too gaunt . . . I feel I'm too skinny." It's astonishing that the 'Globe' didn't dig up a doctor who has never met Osbourne to declare that she is killing herself by dieting to extremes – perhaps they'll think of that next week?
Shannon Doherty, revealing that her stage 4 breast cancer has spread to her bones, is this week's cover girl, stating: "I'm Not Done Living." She's hoping to get into clinical trials for new experimental treatments, but also says she believes in "miracles" as well as science.
Meanwhile songbird Adele is "happy" with new husband Rich Paul, Robert Pattinson and Suki Waterhouse are "thrilled" to be expecting a baby, and rap titan Rick Ross is "happy" on his Georgia farm. So much joy to go around.
Jennifer Garner dominates this week's cover, apparently having "Her Best Year Yet."
Not that Garner is saying that in so many words – she hasn't spoken to the rag at all. But in April she attended a movie premiere with her boyfriend of five years John Miller, and in November was photographed blowing him a kiss as they said goodbye – two isolated incidents which clearly scream: "I've never had it this good! Not when I starred in '13 Going on 30' in 2004 while I was also starring on TV in 'Alias,' not when I married Ben Affleck in 2005, and not when we had our first child that same year!" No. This is her best year yet. Because 'Us Weekly' says so.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell readers that Charli XCX wore it best, that Loni Anderson is "a great fisherman" (in her own words), and that the stars are just like us: they give their 15-month-old infants breakfast milkshakes, wait for New York subway trains with a depressed look that says: "I wish this paparazzi would leave me the f— alone," and shop in grocery stores. Riveting, as ever.
The front cover threatens to blow the lid off Jennifer Lopez's former relationship with Sean Combs, promising to reveal: "What J.Lo Knew."
Combs' woes reportedly include "guns, cheating & terrifying death threats."
As expected, what J.Lo knew is intuited by the best psychic reporters known to tabloid journalism, since the singing star didn't actually speak to the rag.
The stars also dated for only two years from 1999 to 2001, which doesn't exactly make Lopez an expert on Combs' activities of the past two decades.
'Life & Style'
Hollywood is going broke apparently, as this week's cover story reveals: "Stars Running Out of Cash!"
Among those allegedly struggling to rub two pennies together are Angelina Jolie, Kanye West, Bijou Phillips and Jimmy Fallon.
The rag reports that Hollywood "A-listers" are "begging for reality TV shows!"
Sure they are.
Onwards and downwards . . .