'National Enquirer'
"JFK Autopsy Cover-Up Exposed!" screams the front page. "Dallas ER docs' secret testimony found!"
Not exactly.
Seven doctors who had been on duty at the time JFK was admitted to hospital near death in 1963, including three who actually tended to the president, were interviewed seven years ago for a documentary that has finally been released.
The doctors differ among their recollections, though some believe they saw what looked like an entry would at the president's front, suggesting a second shooter since Lee Harvey Oswald shot from behind JFK.
"Proof prez was killed by conspiracy!" screams the rag, seeming to have misunderstood what the word "proof" actually means.
"CIA Hiding Nine UFOs At Area 51!"
Only nine?
Apparently the alien spacecraft have been "used to build Pentagon super weapons."
The 'Enquirer' trots out discredited photos of supposed alien craft to prove its point.
The magazine reports that all nine UFOs were recovered from "behind enemy lines". Do extra-terrestrials only land on territory belonging to America's adversaries? Or could the 'Enquirer' have grasped the wrong end of the alien stick?
"China Unleashes New Killer Bug!"
A "dangerous and mysterious respiratory illness" is reportedly "ravaging China's children" and so the 'Enquirer' naturally assumes this is a "man-made bug leaked from a laboratory in China," and is heading to the USA to kill American children – because that's what Chinese viruses do.
"Clever Kate Dodges Sly Queen's Claws."
Queen Camilla tried to deliberately trip Kate, the Princess of Wales, "pushing their simmering palace rivalry to the brink of all-out war" according to unnamed palace courtiers.
Did Camilla stick out a Louboutined toe as Kate walked by? Did she push a royal Corgi into Kate's path?
No – it's far more Machiavellian than that, according to the 'Enquirer.'
During a state visit to Britain last month by South Korea's president, Camilla ensured that Kate had to make a perilous curtsey after walking up a series of steps to greet King Charles and his Queen, risking a spectacular fall.
"The buzz in the palace is Camilla specifically chose that spot to make things difficult, if not humiliating, for Kate," says the palace insider.
That's right: Queen Camilla ordered the placement of royal seating and of steps on a dais with a view to knocking Kate off her feet. Makes perfect sense. Camilla is notoriously detail-oriented. Needless to say, Kate curtsied with ease and disaster was averted.
'Globe'
"King Charles Gets Rich Robbing The Dead!" declares the cover. "Unbridled greed exposed!"
Strange but true: King Charles, like his mother Queen Elizabeth before him, legally claims the property and assets of people who die intestate and without heirs in the rather sizeable Duchies of Lancaster and Cornwall. It has been this way since the 13th century, though in the 1980s the queen decided that such monies collected should go to charity.
Because there is no public accounting for the Duchys it's unclear when charities stopped benefitting and the money from the estates of the deceased started rolling back into the for-profit Duchys, which help fund the monarch's lavish lifestyle, but the story – exposed in the UK and merely repeated by the 'Globe' with typical over-the-top sensationalism – is not without basis.
It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Pass the Duchy . . . "
In other royal news, Prince Andrew has allegedly paid off yet another accuser, with the claim: "Andrew $ettles $windle Case!"
"The shameless royal'" allegedly "dished out big bucks" to settle a claim by a Turkish billionaire who alleges that Andrew and his family "received nearly $1.75 million in stolen money" as part of a scheme to help obtain a UK passport. The case had reached London's High Court when a last-minute legal settlement was hashed out.
If only Andrew had a Duchy to call his own.
Dolly Parton looked and sounded great performing at a recent NFL game clad in a Dallas Cheerleader's outfit that showed off her still-shapely figure, but of course the 'Globe' manages to find the dark side of her widely-praised appearance, under the headline: "No Cheer In Dollyville!" and claiming "Fears 77-year-old is working her way into health crisis."
Who fears this? It's that old staple: "friends fear . . . "
Sure they do.
The tabloid body-shaming police are out in force again, this week targeting Britney Spears, claiming: "Brit's Sucking Fat From Her Thunder Thighs," and also hitting at Tom Cruise, who is allegedly "Getting Man Boobs Off His Chest."
Sounds like Mission: Impossible.
"CIA Recovered 2 Intact UFOs!"
Whatever happened to the other seven?
'People'
Taylor Swift' is the cover girl in this year's 'People of the Year' issue, on the same day that 'Time' magazine named her 'Person of the Year.'
'People' takes readers 'Inside Taylor's World,' but unlike 'Time,' 'People' doesn't have an interview with Tay Tay.
This week's "special double issue" devotes acres of column inches to the "Most Intriguing People of the Year," including Margot Robbie, Emma Stone, David Beckham, Britney Spears, Jacob Elordi, Adele, Coco Gauff, Lily Gladstone, Colman Domingo, Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Jeremy Renner, Prince Harry . . . the list is endless. There's Beyoncé, Pedro Pascal, Keanu Reeves, Billy Crudup, and still the list goes on and on.
Then there's the "Babies!" who made a splash this year simply by being born to Robert De Niro, Paris Hilton, Serena Williams, Al Pacino, Hilary Swank, and so many more.
And then there's the "Year in Pictures," just to remind us that it's December and the rag is running out of fresh ideas.
And of course page after page of those who died this year.
Thankfully we have the 'Golden Bachelor' and his newly-chosen fiancé to tell us: "We're Ready for Our Spectacular Wedding!" Can't wait.
'Us Weekly'
Bruce Willis, suffering a progressive brain disorder, is this week's cover story, as the rag takes readers "Inside His Brave Battle."
Not that Willis or his family are talking to the magazine, but 'Us Weekly' has unnamed sources who offer such insightful details as: "Bruce has good days and bad days . . . No one knows how much time Bruce has left".
You can't get better inside information than that.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kaitlyn Dever wore it best (Cindy Bruno could have clinched it if only she hadn't opted for calf-high grey schoolboy socks), that actor Josh Peck is "a loud chewer," and that the stars are just like us: they eat snacks (quietly), dress up for the holidays, play party games and work on their computer while travelling. Eye-opening as ever.
'In Touch'
Perhaps inspired by recent episodes of the Netflix series 'The Crown,' the rag puts the late Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed on its cover, promising to take readers "Inside Their Final 24 Hours." But it's territory that has been slavishly explored moment-by-moment through the years.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, 'In Touch; claims that before dying "He proposed – and she accepted," and that "Diana planned to move to Paris!" even though she was understood to be house-hunting in Malibu, California.
'Life & Style'
Julia Roberts and husband Danny Moder's "$250 Million Divorce Shocker!" dominates the front page. – a story that has been floated repeatedly in various tabloids over the past decade, without ever being proven correct.
The grammatically challenged rag reports that the couple are "Not seen together in public in over 11 months!"
But does their absence as a duo in public necessarily spell doom for the marriage? Or are they just adept at evading the paparazzi?
Julia Roberts appeared on the 'Today' show this week to sing her husband's praises, calling him the family's "anchor" and "in the most beautiful way, the captain of our ship."
And it doesn't sound like she's about to mutiny, saying: "For me, understanding how deeply felt life could be really started with him."
Then again, what does Julia Roberts know about the state of her own marriage? Aren't wives always the last to know? Maybe one day she'll be grateful that 'Life & Style' lifted the veil from her eyes.
Onwards and downwards . . .
