'National Enquirer'
"JonBenet Killer Caught!" screams the cover story.
But no – no killer has been caught.
Some self-appointed private investigators have allegedly gathered DNA from suspects with a dubious chain of custody that seems unlikely to pass muster in any court of law, and claim that it matches DNA found at the crime scene.
The story doesn't even name one of the three alleged murder suspects, let alone suggest that they they've been "caught."
"Meghan Divorce Ultimatum!"
The Duchess of Sussex, reeling from the long-running royal racism row she ignited during an interview with Oprah Winfrey in 2021, is reportedly demanding that Prince Harry choose between her and his family back in Buckingham Palace, saying: "It's me or them!"
This info supposedly comes from "courtiers" and "palace insiders," which makes no sense since Harry and Meghan live in a California house rather than a sprawling palace, have no court or courtiers, and are no longer working royals. There aren't even that many "insiders" insider their home.
The 'Enquirer' claims that if Harry makes peace with his allegedly racist family back in England, it "will trigger $40M divorce."
As if Harry and Meghan have that much money.
"Mormon Church Child Sex Cover-Up!"
Is there a major organized religion that hasn't covered up child sex allegations? It seems to be what they're all best at.
"Angie Flees Brad-Lovin' Hollywood!"
Angelina Jolie is quitting Los Angeles and moving to Cambodia, claims the 'Enquirer,' because she "is so disgusted with the way Hollywood glorifies her hated ex Brad Pitt".
Makes perfect sense.
She couldn't possibly be moving to Cambodia because of her humanitarian work there, or because she is needed there by refugees, or for her love of the country where one of her adopted children originated.
If she truly left Hollywood because it celebrated Brad Pitt, why not move to New York, or Boston, Chicago or Portland, France or England, or anywhere else?
The fact is, wherever she goes, whatever she does, the myopic 'Enquirer' will claim it's motivated by animus toward Pitt.
"Stubborn Tanya Battling For Every Last Breath!"
Why does the 'Enquirer' call country crooner Tanya Tucker "stubborn" for wanting to keep breathing? Wouldn't that make all of humanity equally stubborn?
Tucker allegedly requires an oxygen tank "a couple of times a day" after suffering a bout of bronchitis, and apparently that makes her one of those stubborn-as-a-mule serial breathers.
Exchanging flights of fancy for sheer unadulterated bullshit, the 'Enquirer' brings readers its end-of-year "2024 Hollywood Predictions!"
A team a psychics reveal that Will Smith, Jane Fonda and Arnold Schwarzenegger will all suffer major health crises (but not together); Britney Spears will "continue to spiral downward"; Justin Bieber will embarrass his wife; Prince Harry and Meghan will file for bankruptcy as their Hollywood ambitions "flounder"; the 'Friends' cast will stage a TV reunion without Matthew Perry – or Jennifer Aniston; Brad Pitt will announce wedding plans; King Charles will abdicate in favor of son Prince William; Kanye West will suffer a nervous breakdown; and Leonardo DiCaprio will risk being cancelled as he dates a "barely legal model."
At least that should spare us from buying the 'Enquirer' for the next 12 months.
'Globe'
Giving up all pretence of trying to find breaking news while they're in a holiday mood, the 'Globe' devotes its cover and 13 pages inside to Hollywood stars and forgotten D-List has-beens who "we loved and lost in 2023."
The rag bids "Farewell" to 120 of the biggest names in show business, such as wrestler Jay Briscoe, former child actor Lance Kerrin, country singer Kellie Pickler's husband Kyle Jacobs, soap actor Brett Hadley, WWE veteran The Iron Sheik, 'MASH' actress Eileen Saki, and many more equally household names.
Yes, there's Raquel Welch, Lisa Marie Presley, Tony Bennett, Jimmy Buffett, Suzanne Somers and more, giving the 'Globe' the opportunity to regurgitate dubious old stories about the dearly departed: Somers "had sex on the brain!"; Richard Roundtree was "shafted by cancer!"; Matthew Perry "killed himself!"; and "Lisa Marie didn't have to die!"
Back in the 'real' world, "Travolta Snubs Tom Cruise!" By which the rag means that John Travolta threw a party and didn't invite Cruise, despite both being actors and Scientologists. Just like Mark Wahlberg always invites every Catholic star in Hollywood to all of his parties, because actors of the same faith must be best friends and spend their leisure time together, mustn't they?
"Wolverine Falls For Married Gal!"
Hugh Jackman is reportedly "crazy about Broadway babe Sutton Foster."
Or could it be that they are simply friends having starred together on Broadway in 'The Music Man' in 2022?
'People'
Thanksgiving has been and gone, but now along comes Oprah Winfrey to belatedly tell 'People' mag about her "Gratitude, Love & Life's Greatest Lessons" as this week's cover girl. And of course after all these years they're still talking about her weight, though now the rag calls it "her body image evolution."
Does Oprah weight herself each morning on an evolutionary scale?
Helen Mirren shares the secret of success in acting: "Be on time and don't be an a–hole."
'People' says "farewell" to Ryan O'Neal and Norman Lear, and Charlie Sheen says "farewell" to booze and drugs, claiming he is now "six years sober."
'Us Weekly'
Julia Roberts dominates this week's cover, apparently talking about "Fame, Love & Her Next Chapter." Except she isn't talking to the rag, which simply picks up a few snippets from her recent appearances on TV chat shows, and weaves in commentary from dubious "insiders."
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Jessica Chastain wore it best, that YouTube influencer Emma Chamberlain says: "A lot of people think I look like Timothée Chalamet," and that the stars are just like us: they eat hot dogs at basketball games, wear headphones while jogging, and like Michelle Pfeiffer put ice on their eyes when they have an accident while playing pickleball, which as we all know is a game invented by doctors, surgeons and osteopaths to boost business.
'In Touch'
"Kate Forced to Make Peace With Meghan!"
King Charles is allegedly strong-arming his docile daughter-in-law Kate with a view to "healing the royal rift" with Meghan.
Of course, "Angry Harry still refuses to speak to William."
And so the royal soap opera continues.
'Life & Style'
Taylor Swift and new love NFL star Travis Kelce are "Under Pressure" screams the front page.
Evidently their nascent romance is suffering from "No Privacy" and "Nasty Rumors."
Where might those have originated? Why – the tabloids, of course!
But 'Life & Style' isn't about to take all of the blame for the lovers' problems. Part of the trouble is supposedly due to "His Family's Intervention!" Worse yet, Kelce's mother is causing a "huge problem." Maybe she should just trust in the tabloids.
Wasn't it only a week or two ago that the tabloids were promising the couple were making wedding plans?
Onwards and downwards . . .
