"Kardashians' $3 Billion Empire Collapses!"
No, it doesn't.
The 'Enquirer' claims that "proof of the family's diminishing cultural importance" is demonstrated by the fact that Kylie Jenner has slipped from being the world's most popular person on Instagram with 290 million followers in 2021, down to No. 4 today.
Though lower in the rankings, the 'Enquirer' fails to mention that Jenner's Instagram following has soared 33 per cent to 399 million. Not quite a collapse.
Kim Kardashian's social media engagement rate – a measure of follower interactivity with posts – is admittedly aa lowly 0.59 per cent, barely one-third of the rate enjoyed by Instagram's top two, soccer stars Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi, but she's still averaging over 2 million likes per post, which is not shabby by any metric.
Meanwhile the Kardashian clan's cosmetics, skincare and fashion empire continues to rake in billions, nowhere near a collapse.
"Proof Fauci Financed China's Covid Lab!"
Former Covid czar chief Anthony Fauci admitted in October 2021 that the National Institutes of Health had helped fund research at the Wuhan Institute of Virology in China, and that New York-based EcoHealth Alliance performed experiments at that lab to make a bat coronavirus more infectious to humans. Neither of those facts prove that the global coronavirus epidemic originated from this bat virus or from the Wuhan laboratory.
But more than two years later the 'Enquirer' devotes a large part of its front page to declare: "Cover-up exposed!"
Better late than never.
"Mourning Melania Quits Public Life!"
Former president Trump's wife, whose mother Amalija died in early January, aged 78, is reportedly giving up on appearing at photo ops with her husband. When did she ever start appearing at photo ops with her husband?
"Epstein Blackmailed Trump!"
Former US president Donald Trump was "caught on video with young girls!" and had a "Bizarre fetish for inflicting pain!" the rag claims.
The allegations would not shock many, and yet the 'Globe' fails to offer any evidence that Trump was blackmailed by billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, or that the tapes actually exist, or that Trump is (surprise, surprise) a sadist.
The story is based on a cache of recently released court files, which include emails by self-professed sex slave Sarah Ransome, in which she claimed that Trump had been recorded by Epstein's ubiquitous security cameras while having sex with another young sex slave.
But Ransome later recanted her claims, and the FBI, which seized a trove of evidence when arresting Epstein, has never confirmed the existence of any video tapes depicting Trump, or anyone else, having sex.
Even if Epstein did video Trump's mushroom-shaped appendage in action, the 'Globe' offers zero evidence that Epstein was using the video to blackmail Trump.
And loathe as I am to defend Trump, there is nothing to suggest that the orange one was having sex with minors, despite the headline spread across two pages: "Trump Blackmailed With Pedophile Pix!"
Taylor Swift can't win, as the 'Globe' declares: "Taylor Lesbian Scandal Explodes!"
The singer, currently in a high-profile romance with NFL star Travis Kelce, and whose songs have commemorated a string of failed romances with famous men, is allegedly "sick and tired of people gossiping about her sexuality," according to an unnamed friend.
"Taylor has been dogged by gay rumors dating back ten years" claims the 'Globe,' completely missing the irony that it's the one perpetuating those rumors.
Tay Tay has been a long-time supporter of the LGBTQ+ community, and despite the headline, there is no "scandal."
In yet another royal story that emanates from the soap opera scriptwriter's handbook, the Prince of Wales and his wife are allegedly embroiled in a "marriage crisis!" reports the 'Globe,' claiming to reveal "William & Kate's Brutal Fights!"
Branding William a "belittling bullyboy," the rag claims their marriage is "hanging by a thread" due to his "control-freak ways".
Allegedly "William rules their family with an iron fist" and Kate "is threatening divorce" according to a "high-level palace source," which probably means the guy who changes the lightbulbs in the palace ceilings.
It has been more than six years since Barack Obama was president, but that doesn't stop the 'Globe' from accusing him of a cover-up: "Obama Burying Truth About UFOs."
The 'Globe' raves about the "bombshell revelation" that Obama's presidential archives include nearly 30,000 paper and digital files related to UFOs. – a detail that the Obama Presidential Library actually revealed in March 2022, in response to a Freedom of Information Act request.
The Library is still evidently sorting through the paperwork to see what might be relevant. That amounts to a cover-up in the eyes of the tabloid, arriving to the story almost two years late.
"The Real Kelce Brothers" dominate this week's cover.
As opposed to the Fake Kelce Brothers: a pair of 90-lb weaklings who live in their mother's basement, write code all day and by night play Madden NFL video games?
The real Kelce brothers apparently "balance work, love and family," and are "each other's biggest fan." Oh yes, and Travis happens to be dating Taylor Swift, otherwise you'd never see a pair of NFL players pushing Kate Middleton off 'People' magazine's front page.
Dylan Stone-Miller is the "biological father of 97 kids," a testament to the enduring power of sperm donations, "but he says the true number could be more than 250."
He's now calling for legislation to limit the number of children that a single sperm donor can father. Something about a barn door and a horse come to mind.
"It's Love!" declares the front page headline over a photo of Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner, celebrating a year together.
Neither star says a single word to the rag, of course, but there is an endless supply of unnamed sources who offer such revelatory insights as: "They both have really busy schedules but make as much time for each other as possible," and "Timothée is always making Kylie smile. They have a very special connection."
Just the sort of inside information you couldn't possibly know without being there in the room with the lovebirds.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Sydney Sweeney wore it best, that DJ and music producer Afrojack (who I suspect isn't a household name even in the home where he lives) misses the Dutch foods "bitterballen and frikandel" while on tour (who doesn't?) and that the stars are just like us: they bathe their pets, play football with their kids, and bake cakes. Life-affirming, as ever.
Gypsy Rose Blanchard is this week's cover victim, celebrating "My New Life!" Released from jail after ordering her mother's murder following years of abusive treatment for non-existent ailments, the 32-year-old ex-con is now reportedly "Reinventing Herself, Making Amends & Finding True Love."
She is also "learning to cook" and has "big baby news!"
Having your boyfriend stab your mother to death never looked so good.
'Life & Style'
Jennifer Aniston "Tells All!" claims the rag, which has almost certainly not spoken to the actress.
The former 'Friends' star supposedly reveals "My 6 Years of Dating Hell," talking about the "Lonely Nights" and "Boring Guys".
Where's Brad Pitt when you need him?
Onwards and downwards . . .