"Trump Tied To Epstein Murder Cover-Up!" screams the cover story.
With its inimitable elegant grasp of the English language, the 'Enquirer' reports that Donald Trump "diddled a member of Epstein's teenage harem and was the target of a blackmail plot."
The allegation comes from recently-released court documents which make unsubstantiated claims – not that a lack of proof would ever stop the 'Enquirer' – that were long ago debunked.
The former president facing 91 criminal charges is certainly implicated in billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein's nefarious sex schemes, and the 'Enquirer' notes "Donald and Melania's well-documented partying with the child sex slaver."
Epstein's brother Mark reportedly blames Donald Trump's then-Attorney General Bill Barr for a cover-up by declaring the disgraced wealth manager's prison death a suicide, "effectively ending any further investigation" and implying that Trump was behind the scheme to hide the truth.
"Madonna Going Bald!"
Or maybe she just had her hair pulled back tight beneath one of her Marilyn Monroe-style wigs during a performance?
"Travolta Grooms Harry & Meghan For Scientology!"
That seems wishful thinking on behalf of the 'Enquirer,' and certainly on behalf of Travolta.
"The word is he's now got his heart set on bringing them into the Scientology fold," claims the rag.
"Hollywood's Ugliest Divorces"
Four pages of old stories to prove that when it's a quiet news week you can always drag out Hollywood's domestic misery to fill four pages.
There's Joe Manganiella vs Sofia Vergara, Joe Jones vs Sophie Turner, Offset vs Cardi B – all the classics.
"Scott Peterson Framed For Laci's Murder!" declares the front page.
The rag that felled acres of forests to pulp newsprint for stories savaging Scott Peterson as a wife-killer two decades ago now claims he's innocent.
According to the 'Globe' "new evidence proves imprisoned wife killer was railroaded by cops."
Indeed, the Los Angeles Innocence Project recently took up the case, and a former investigator admits that key evidence may not have been properly probed.
Peterson is currently serving a life sentence for killing wife Laci and their unborn child. The Innocence Project claims that DNA evidence could point to his innocence, and that a gang of "kill-crazy burglars" may have been responsible, according to the tabloid.
"Mad Melanie's Tempting Fate!"
Melanie Griffith has allegedly lost her mind because, having "battled skin lesions for years" she is "playing with fire by continuing to expose herself to flesh-roasting sun rays, seemingly without protection."
Swimming in a pool apparently counts as going crazy under these circumstances, and the 'Globe' presumably did a spectrogram analysis of Griffith while she was in the pool to establish that she wasn't wearing any sunscreen.
"Kurt Takes It In The Neck!"
Losing its collective mind over a photograph of actor Kurt Russel that shows him with a slight indentation in his neck, the rag rages about the "plastic surgery hell for pretty boy, 72" (can a septuagenarian still be called a "boy"?) by claiming "the divot on Kurt's neck is a telltale sign of scarring due to overly aggressive liposuction."
At least, that's according to cosmetic surgeons who have not treated Russell, and have only the 'Globe' pictures from which to make a carefully considered scientific diagnosis.
From the tabloid that brought you Bigfoot, now comes the claim: "Night Marcher Demon Caught On Camera!"
For the uninitiated, Night Marchers are the ghosts of Hawaiian warriors who supposedly wander the Pacific island, and the 'Globe' claims to have a photograph of one of these restless spirits, pictured in the undergrowth as long-distance runners passed nearby competing in a 100-mile endurance race on Oahu.
Or it could just be a man wrapped in a blanket standing in the trees while runners speed past? Which seems more likely? If you're a 'Globe' editor, the answer seems obvious.
Lenny Kravitz is this week's cover hunk, living his best life and revealing: "How Love Transformed My Life."
"Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I've actually never felt better in my life," he says. Apparently he's a rock star because "This is who God created me to be."
But perhaps God shouldn't get too much credit because he also created Psy, Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice, not to mention Nickelback.
"Travis & Taylor Super Bowl Bound!" proclaims the mag, which is half-right. Travis Kelce will be playing for the Kansas City Chiefs in the Super Bowl. Taylor Swift, who is poised to perform in Japan the day before the big game, may have a tougher time making it to the stadium's VIP boxes on February 11.
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are "Going The Distance" according to the mag, though it's unclear if that means they're heading for the end zone, or up the aisle.
"Sources say they've started thinking long-term," says the rag, which naturally hasn't spoken with either of them.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Maria Menounos wore it best, that actress JoAnna Garcia Swisher's "favourite animals are otters," and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza, ride on grocery carts, and have family dinners. Information that could change your life.
'Life & Style'
"Taylor Talks Travis," declares the front page. And what does she say? "Yes, He's The One!"
But if Taylor Swift talks, you can guarantee it's not to 'Life & Style' magazine. Despite repeated reports of an imminent wedding, the rag now claims there has been "No proposal – yet!" And the fact that Swift's touring schedule is taking her away from Kelce is viewed as a good thing, "giving each other space." So romantic.
His wife Kate, the Princess of Wales, was recently in hospital for abdominal surgery, and his father King Charles in hospital for a prostate procedure that revealed worse to come, but 'In Touch' magazine focuses on the British royal who's apparently really having a hard time of it: Prince William.
The balding heir to the throne is "Staying Strong For Kate,' proclaims the cover story.
William is reportedly "Working around the clock to keep family going," as "Kate's slow recovery" is "causing 'stress and panic'" and "the kids know it's serious."
A good heart-to-heart sit-down interview with Prince William was, unsurprisingly, not the source of this story.
Onwards and downwards . . .