Qantas coughs up $79M for selling tickets on already canceled flights

"Qantas Airways has agreed to pay 120 million Australian dollars ($79 million) to settle a lawsuit over the sale of thousands of tickets on already canceled flights," reports CNN

We have obtained exclusive recordings between the Qantas CEO and executives who orchestrated the fraud:

Qantas executive number one: Gee, I wish there was a way to make more money without buying more planes or offering better quality of service!

Qantas executive number two: I know! It's not fair. Why don't we tell the government that we're losing money and get a taxpayer bail out!

Qantas executive number one: No, stupid. That takes a long time and requires a lot of paperwork and expensive lobbyists to woo government officials with lavish gifts and vacations.

Qantas executive number two: Darn it. That was my only idea. Let's call our CEO and ask him what we should do.

[ring, ring]

Qantas CEO: What do you idiots want? This better be important. Don't you remember I cut 5,000 jobs to double my pay package to $24.6m a few years ago? Don't think I won't do it again!

Qantas executive number one: Calling you was Number Two's idea, not mine!

Qantas executive number two: Sir, we're struggling to find new ways to increase profits without improving our service or investing in our operations.

Qantas CEO: You imbeciles! Have you no creativity? The solution is obvious — we start selling seats on flights that we've already canceled!

Qantas executive number one: That's brilliant, sir! We can sell tickets for non-existent flights and pocket the money without any additional costs.

Qantas executive number two: Pure genius! We'll make millions without lifting a finger.

Qantas CEO: Of course, you fools. That's why I'm the CEO, and you're just expendable lackeys.

Qantas executive number one: Thank you, sir! You're a visionary leader!

Qantas executive number two: We're honored to work under such a brilliant mind!

Qantas CEO: Enough with the pathetic flattery.  You two just booked yourselves one-way trips to the unemployment line. Don't worry, I'll make sure to sell those tickets twice, too.


Previously: Qantas delays flight because of wifi network named `Detonation Device`