Donald Trump often invites his cult members to come on stage to give them the honor of praising him. He stands to the side, eyelids heavy and lips pouted into a funnel shape as he feigns interest in the cringeworthy tribute. Someone created this excellent parody video of a typical MAGA cultist wearing his requisite Made-In-China red cap. In a three-minute soliloquy of sycophancy, he assures Trump that he doesn't believe a single negative thing anyone has accused Trump of doing, including the ones that courts have found him guilty or liable of.
"Thank you, Mr. President Trump. Your majesty, I just want to say on your behalf that I'm a Republican and I believe you when you say that the election was stolen from you and that I believe that you didn't commit tax fraud and that you didn't commit business fraud and that you didn't embezzle millions of dollars from your Trump foundation charity or scam your university students out of millions of dollars. I believe that.
And I believe that you didn't cheat on your wife with a porn star and a Playboy model and that you didn't pay the porn star $130,000 to make sure she didn't tell anyone about it right before the 2016 election and that you didn't sexually assault a woman in the dressing room of a department store and that you didn't conspire to steal the 2020 election by creating false slates of electors and that you were not complicit in the attempted hanging of your vice president and that you did not commit child rape with Jeffrey Epstein and you did not sexually harass over 25 women who came forward accusing you and that you really didn't enter the misty USA changing room where girls as young as 15 years old were undressed and I believe you I just do I don't believe that you stole classified documents hid them in your bathroom and obstructed attempts to get them back by the government. I don't believe it for one sec.
And I believe you did not extort Ukraine to interfere in an election in 2020 and encourage Russia to help you win the 2016 election. I don't believe that.
And I believe you did not actively undermine the nation's response to a once in a lifetime pandemic and let a deadly disease spiral out of control for months. I don't believe it, and that you did not orchestrate a months long coup attempt that culminated in a violent insurrection to disrupt the peaceful transfer of power and install yourself as an unelected dictator.
And I don't believe that you spew deranged conspiracy theories about everything from climate change to immigration to vaccines to windmills.
And I don't care that you were impeached twice or that you're a convicted criminal felon. I just don't.
Now I don't believe and I don't care that you're banned from doing business in the state of New York for three years. I will do business with you. I will move to New York just to do business with the Trump organization.
I don't think that you should have to pay the half a billion dollars in business fraud fines because you're innocent. And I don't believe that you took millions from foreign governments while you were president.
So to top it all off, I believe President Trump when he says he's not a rapist, he's not a thief, he's not a grifter, a liar, a philanderer, a narcissist, a glutton, a bully, and a complete ignoramus. I don't believe he cheats a golf.
Thank you Mr. President for being a good Christian leader dedicated to truth and justice for all. By the way. I would let my wife have your children. Thank you.
The only giveaway that this is satire is that a real MAGA cultist would add, "And if all of these things about you were true, I don't care. I love you unconditionally."
