Bryan Gerould's vintage Porsche 914 comes with an unusual addition: a handwritten letter to potential car thieves detailing the nearly impossible process of actually stealing it. The unlocked door isn't an invitation but a necessity, as "the tumblers sheared off in 1978," and it's just the beginning of the mechanical obstacle course awaiting anyone brave enough to attempt theft.
Inside, would-be car thieves face challenges that read like a mechanical obstacle course. First, reconnect the battery, which is kept disconnected due to a mysterious current drain in the 40-year-old wiring harness. Any screwdriver will turn the worn ignition, but starting requires pressing the clutch (the parking brake cable froze during the Carter administration) and pumping the gas pedal exactly four times to prime the dual Webers. The engine fires, dies in eight seconds, then requires two more pumps.
Finding second gear presents the real test. The shift linkage — "a football-field-long steel rod formed loosely in the shape of your lower intestine" — makes shifting "akin to hitting a bag of gears with a stick." Gerould's advice: rapidly wig-wag the shift knob side-to-side. "If you move the knob quickly enough, the transmission will be out-smarted and cannot anticipate your next move."
The final bit of advice for the would-be thief? "The last guy who stole my 914" ditched it at an Exxon station. Gerould suggests thieves do the same and "scope out a nice, reliable Camry to heist."
Previously:
• RIP Tamiya founder, who dismantled Porsche 911 to create perfect plastic model kit
• VW emission test cheat scandal expands to subsidiaries Audi and Porsche
• This 1967 Porsche 911S is genuine fun in a period-perfect mustard yellow
• A 'safari-style' Porsche 997.2 in a wonderful shade of blue
• The Porsche 928 from Risky Business is up for auction
