Jokes from the G+hole

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82 Responses to “Jokes from the G+hole”

  1. Robert says:

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    To.
    To who?
    To whom.

  2. plaintext says:

    What do you call a Martian who farts in the bathtub and eats his own bubbles?

    Well adjusted.

    -National Lampoon circa 1972.

  3. dragonfrog says:

    Q: What’s the difference between a drummer and a large Hawaiian pizza?

    A: A large pizza will feed a family of four.

    Also, @Robert – that’s awesome! I must keep that one on hand for next time the knock knock jokes come out.

    • ophmarketing says:

      More drummer jokes!

      Q: How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
      A: Pay him for the pizza.

      Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
      A: The drummer.

  4. UncaScrooge says:

    Q: How many comment threads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Someone already did that joke.

    and

    Q: Why did the comment thread cross the road?

    A: To tramp down the dirt on Ayn Rand’s grave.

  5. MightyMu says:

    How many choreographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    5-6-7-8!

    Did you hear about the musician who locked his keys in the car? It took him half an hour to get the drummer out.

    A family of four walks into a talent agent’s office….

  6. Anonymous says:

    knock knock
    who’s there?
    the interupting cow.
    the interupting cow who?

    wait, let me do that over.

  7. emmdeeaych says:

    how many Marxist Leninists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None. The lightbulb contains within itself the seed of it its own revolution.

  8. millie fink says:

    Why did Nixon watch Deep Throat four times?

    So he could get it down Pat.

    –Screw circa 1973

  9. MrBawn says:

    - What kind of nuts are those?
    - Cashews.
    - Gesundheit.

    Q: Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

  10. Anonymous says:

    How about this one:

    QHow many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!

    Or this one:

    An atom walks into a bar, looking sad. The bartender says, “hey, what’s wrong?” The atom says, “I lost an electron!” The bartender says, “Are you sure?” The atom says, “Yes, I’m positive!”

  11. CLamb says:

    How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two but its hard to find a lightbulb big enough and two programmers who like to screw.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his father in the forest?

  13. Bloo says:

    Rene Descartes is drinking in a bar.

    The bartender says “will you have another?”

    Descartes says “I think not” and disappears.

  14. DarthVain says:

    One of my favorites:

    There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

  15. airshowfan says:

    Let’s see if I can end the italics. Did that work?

  16. airshowfan says:

    Curses.

  17. Mockiavelli says:

    Hmm, can we fix the italics infection?

    Let’s see…

  18. Anonymous says:

    Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
    The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

  19. MichaelRN says:

    A proton walks into a bar and says, “I’ve lost an electron, has anyone seen it?”

    The bartender asks, “Are you sure?”

    The proton says, “I’m positive!”

  20. Evan Rappaport says:

    Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One but the light bulb has to want to change.

  21. Anonymous says:

    What do you call a drummer who broke up with his girlfriend?
    Homeless.

  22. ill lich says:

    The drummer/drool joke reminded me of my favorite musician joke (I know a lot of Berklee grads and dropouts):

    A missionary goes off to Africa, and ends up living in a very remote village deep in the jungle. He notices, continually, off in the distance, the sound of drums, and asks the tribal leader “what are those drums?” and gets the reply “ohhhh. . . drums stop, very bad!” and nothing more. Confused, he asks several other villagers and always gets the same response. Finally he says “OK, I understand, when the drums stop it will be bad, but why?” and the villager replies “drums stop. . . BASS SOLO!”

    And my favorite drummer joke:

    Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

    A: homeless.

  23. Liz Noise says:

    -This one must be read aloud.-

    Two peanuts walked into a bar and one was assaulted.

  24. LightningRose says:

    For the Linux geeks…

    A vacationing Penguin is driving through Arizona
    when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.
    He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
    motor. So, he drives to the nearest town and stops at the
    first gas station.

    After dropping the car off, the Penguin goes for a
    walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and,
    being in Arizona, decides that something cold would really
    hit the spot. So, he gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and
    sits down to eat.

    Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat
    with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes
    back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found
    the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like
    you blew a seal.”

    No, no,” the Penguin replies, “I swear it’s only ice cream.”

  25. Sterno Dare says:

    How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just one , but it’ll cost you $3 grand and you’ll just have to do it over again when she leaves.

  26. dorkus1218 says:

    “‘G+hole’ is a registered trademark of Doctor Popular.”
    Wait… THE docpop who I adored when I was super into yoyoing? when did he become cool outside of that niche? I gotta catch up.

    Also, the funny jokes are funny

  27. zuludaddy says:

    Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, but it’s crowded…

    Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One to do it, and one *not* to do it.

    Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: “That’s not funny!”

    Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One to hold it, and the world revolves around him…

    Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to do it, and one to make a documentary about it.

    Q: How many efficiency engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Efficiency engineers don’t change light bulbs, only dark bulbs.

    Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One.

    Q: How many [insert your favorite stereotyped dimwit here] does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: [in dimwit dialect:] “Whut’s a light bulb?”

    [zuludaddy gets the shepherd's crook and is yanked off the stage...]

  28. trainrider says:

    A man is walking down the street one day and hears a group chanting “…ten, ten, ten, ten, ten…” in the distance. As he continues he passes an old abandoned building along the side of the road and the chanting gets louder, “…TEN, TEN, TEN, TEN, TEN…”. Curious to know what’s going on, he goes up to the front of the building and peeks into a hole drilled into a boarded up window. All of a sudden a stick comes through the hole and pokes him in the eye. He shrieks and jumps back, and as he stands there bewildered and in pain the chanting resumes, “…eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven…”

  29. Anonymous says:

    Helium walks into a bar, the bartender says, “We don’t serve nobel gases.”

    Helium doesn’t react.

  30. Cook!EMonstA says:

    What do you get when you cross the Titanic with the Atlantic?

    About half way

  31. k7aay says:

    Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  32. cellocgw says:

    Someone screwed up a joke (not copied to the BB list): the correct version is:

    What is the square root of negative 69?

    i eight-something

    I liked the surrealist light bulb joke, for no good reason. and the hipster pizza

  33. chaopoiesis says:

    This is not a joke.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Drummer jokes crack me up.
    Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
    You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

  35. skabob says:

    My version of this joke:

    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    I don’t know, how many?
    Fish.
    …?
    Well, maybe surrealist humor isn’t your cup of fur.

    • Anonymous says:

      how many surrealists does it take to change the lightbulb?

      Two.

      One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured
      machine tools.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      skabob,

      When you use the less-than sign, you invoke html.

  36. endymion says:

    Some of these I’ve heard before… some of them are OK…

    But for me it’s Breck Witte’s lesbian joke FTW.

  37. netsharc says:

    Here’s an to fix the italicising of the rest of this page.

    Geez, those nerd lightbulb jokes (hardware-problem, Microsoft one) I read in the 90′s… Did I use to think Xeni was cool?

    This one can also be considered old since I read its millionth retweet:

    A web developer walked into a bar. But quickly left when he saw the table layout.

    • billstewart says:

      Netsharc, most of them weren’t new on rec.humor either. But we’ve got a new medium here, so it’s retro (or would be, if we were actually doing this over on G+.)

      How many aikido masters does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to attack first.

      Why did the [ethnic] musician play traditional [ethnic] music?
      For the money.

      [Insert all the banjo jokes here, s/banjo/{accordian, viola, trombone}/ ]

      Antinous: When you use the less-than sign, you invoke html.
      Ia, that’s scary – Cthulhu only shows up if you invoke him three times.

      One teenager said to another “Did you know Paul McCartney was in another band before Wings?” (This wasn’t the original joke, where he’d have said it because he was ignorant – it was because it _really_ annoyed his parents.)

      • JoshuaZ says:

        That’s not Cthulhu. Hastur is the one whose name which when you say it three times he shows up. Although that wasn’t in the original Lovecraft material. I’m not aware of anything before the Call of Cthulhu game that made the claim. Before that he was just known as “Hastur the Unspeakable” but it wasn’t explained why.

        And just to be safe I’ve only said it twice in this post…

  38. johnrynne says:

    Suggested change in punchline of the News of the World joke: “.. but if you leave me a message, The News of the World will put it on tomorrow’s front page”

  39. Anonymous says:

    Q: What do you get when you cross your grandmother with an octopus?

    Don’t answer. I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

  40. HikingStick says:

    How many mosquitos does it take to screw in a lightbuld?

    Two, just like anyone else. Just don’t ask me how they got in there.

  41. Nuski says:

    A Korean policeman pulls over a speeding motorist. The motorist says, “Please look at me once.” The policeman replies, “Not even soup.”

  42. HikingStick says:

    Q) How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
    A) Ten…You got a problem with that?

  43. youkillmymind says:

    From fortune:
    Q) How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A) Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.

  44. Chas44 says:

    Q) What do you get when you fail to close an italics tag?
    A) This page.

  45. Anonymous says:

    How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Only two, but how they got in there I’ll never know!

  46. Anonymous says:

    What happens when you run in front of a car?
    You get tired.

    What happens when you run behind a car?
    You get exhausted.

    What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist bill?
    You get reposessed.

    What do you call a hula hoop with a nail in it?
    A Navel Destroyer.

    What lies at the bottom of the ocean and whimpers?
    A nervous wreck.

    What’s the difference between a place where they serve alcohol and an elephant with gas?
    One’s a barroom and the other’s a BARROOOMMMM!

    Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
    Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
    (If you don’t get it, you never studied base conversions)

  47. butter says:

    Here’s another cannibal joke:

    So these two cannibals are eating a clown, and one of them turns to the other and says “does this guy taste funny to you?”

  48. Mr Dave says:

    - Shucks, I forgot to take my medicine this morning.
    - Is it for your face?
    - No, it’s for my low self-esteem.
    - You’re not taking anything for your face?

  49. Mr Dave says:

    What’s Dr Who’s favourite food? Dalek Bread.

  50. emo hex says:

    And so as these two cannibals are eating this guy, the one looks at the other and says, “I’m having a great time!”
    the other cannibal looks up and says,
    “I’m having a ball!”

  51. noah django says:

    ay, yo–a priest, a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar. the bartender says “what is this, a joke?”

  52. GuidoDavid says:

    “why did the chicken cross the Moëbius strip?
    To get to the same side!”

  53. samba00 says:

    A man walked into a bar. He said, “Ouch!”

    Two men walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would have seen it.

    Q. How many swingers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. Swingers don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

  54. zuludaddy says:

    Q: What do you get when you cross Chinese food with German food?

    A: I don’t know either, but an hour later, and you’re [with a German accent] hungry for power.

  55. bookninja says:

    I liked the screenwriter one. Reminded me of two others: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to say, “That was great, but I’d have done it like this…” and How many directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know, what do YOU think?

  56. TheNipponese says:

    I guess I’m surprised how many people are ok with tying their real name to jokes about child rape and murder.

  57. Anonymous says:

    I went to my doctor the other day and told him “Doc, you have to help me. I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’.” The doctor said, “Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome.”
    “Tom Jones syndrome?” I replied, “Is it common?”
    To which the doctor said, “It’s not unusual.”

  58. Anonymous says:

    Q: How many Management Consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: It’s only 1 but the light bulb has to really want to change

  59. Anonymous says:

    Why did the chicken commit suicide?
    To get to the other side.

  60. dccarles says:

    What do you call a man in the water with no arms and no legs?
    Bob.

    What do you call him when he’s lying down on the floor?
    Matt.

    What do you call him when he has rabbits coming out of every bodily orifice?
    Warren.

    How many Chicago school economists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. Darkness is a result of a temporary imbalance, which will soon be corrected by market forces.

    • bocomo says:

      a guy with no arms and no legs, hanging on a wall? Art

      a gal with no arms and no legs, in the ocean? Sandy

      a guy with no arms and no legs, Bill

      a gal with no arms and no legs, on a printing press? Dot

      a guy with no arms and no legs, on top of a pole? Mike

      a guy with no arms and no legs, in a scabbard? Dirk

      a gal with no arms and no legs, bouncing around on a bus? Jocelyn

      • noah django says:

        this is the grand finale:

        What do you call an Irishman with neither arms nor legs who is in your backyard?

        Patty O’Furniture

  61. Anonymous says:

    Q: How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?
    A: A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

  62. seer says:

    how many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    two: one to hold the bulb and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

  63. TabulaRasa says:

    - Do you know the difference between Russia in the 60s and the USA today?

    Well, one is a police state where the secret service could eavesdrop on you, jail you in secret prisons and deny you all rights, be it human or procedural, so that you just disappeared and never emerged again except for a show trial – and the other one never had a black leader.

  64. plaintext says:

    What’s the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

    There are skid marks leading up to the snake.

  65. Anonymous says:

    Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
    Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

  66. Anonymous says:

    Did you hear about the Aggie farmer who got his tractor stuck in reverse and unplowed 3 acres? (For ‘Aggie,’ insert nationality/locality of your choice.)

  67. Anonymous says:

    A baby seal walks into a club…

  68. shutz says:

    “Here’s a neat trick,” he said.

    He opened his mouth, real wide. He inserted his hand, then his arm,
    down his throat. His shoulder dislocated to go farther down. He stopped.
    Then his arm came back out, and he pulled himself inside out.

    “What do you think?”

    “You’re still ugly.”

  69. Robin Fitton says:

    A programmer’s wife asks her husband to do some shopping.
     
    “Pick up a bottle of milk, and if they have any eggs get six”.
     
    A short while later he returns with his arms full of bottles of milk.
     
    “What happened?”, she enquires. “Why did you get so much milk?”
     
    “They had eggs.”
     

  70. Bart Balm says:

    A man drives his big, expensive car onto a parking lot and parks across several parking spots for disabled people. He gets out of his car and walks off. A police woman sees this happen and yells ‘Hey! What kind of disability do you have?’ The man turns around and says ‘Tourettes, [insert c_word]!’

  71. Ian Symonds says:

    How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?  The knock speeds up

  72. Jim Smith says:

    Why was Rowan Atkinson unhappy with the teabagging he received?
    Missed a bean.

  73. Mim says:

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a whale sitting at a table. He goes up to the whale and says, “OOOOOOooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ooooooo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEE
    oooooooooooooooooooo
    EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooo ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo
    oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo
    EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo
    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo
    EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo
    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo
    oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo
    EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo
    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

    The whale looks at him, takes a drink of his beer, and says, “Dude, you’re drunk.”

  74. aaron mercer says:

    Cowboys are idiots – That’s subtle genius in that thar joke!

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