Jokes from the G+hole

Illustration: Dave Jarvis (cc) via Wikipedia

I started an open "jokes" thread on Google+ today, and a lot of people contributed some very funny jokes I hadn't heard before. I thought I'd share some of them here on Boing Boing. I might post more later.

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• An AT&T cell tower walks into a bar and says, "I wo...enj...blac...nin...ou.........."—Shane Sargent

• How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A fish.—Craig Glassner

• How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware problem.—Dr. Elementary

• Hear the one about the programmer that got stuck in the shower? The directions on the shampoo said "Lather, Rinse, Repeat"—Tony Gonzales

• How did the hipster burn his mouth? He started eating the pizza long before it was cool. —Mark McCorkell

• Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. When the state trooper asks "Do you have ANY idea how fast you were going?", Heisenberg just smiles and says, "No, but I know where I was!"—Laconia Laconia

• Q. How many designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Does it have to be a light bulb?—Joe McMahon

• Q: What do you get when you cross your grandmother with an octopus? A: A whoooooole lot of cookies.—Jeff Deason

• What does it mean when the drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? The floor is level. —Karl Hakkarainen

• Q: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb? A: But the light bulb is the best part!—Brian Doom

• Two cannibals are having dinner, and one of them says to the other, "Man, I really don't like my mother-in-law." The other sighs and says, "Well then just eat the noodles."—Katie Mussman

• Rene Descartes walks into a bar - a sleazy woman walks up to him and says "Hey handsome, buy me a drink?" He sneers at her and says, "Madam I think not" and disappears.—Genevieve Perdue

• How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to turn the bulb and one to hold the penis--I mean ladder!—James Cash

• A woman walks in a bar in Montana, middle of nowhere. She sits down next to an old weather beaten man in a ten gallon hat, spurs, the whole nine yards. She says "Are you a real cowboy?" He pauses, tips back his hat, looks at her and says "Yep, I reckon I am". She replies "I'm a lesbian. All day long I do nothing but think about women, from the moment I get up in the morning to the moment I fall asleep at night." She finishes her drink and leaves. A few minutes later a husband and wife, obviously tourists, walk in and sit down next to the cowboy. The husband says "Are you a real cowboy?" He pauses, takes a sip of whiskey and replies, "Well I always thought I was but it turns out all this time I've been a lesbian."—breck witte

• Q: How many hipsters does it take to pay the electric bill? A: Mom —Spyro Poulos

• How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just redefine darkness to be the industry standard.—Andrew Bulhak

• How do you tell an extroverted physicist from an introverted physicist? An extroverted physicist looks at your shoes.—Kate Greene

• My favorite joke is about Jonestown but I had to quit telling it because the punchline was too long.—Jeremy Sullivan

• Q: How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? A: To get to the other side!—Ian Ledbetter

• Did you hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's 0K.—Michael Dyrud

• Why aren't math jokes funny in Octal? Because 7 10 11—Ranjan Bagchi

• "Hey, know any good jokes about sodium?" "Na." —Rodrigo Jimenez

• Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting coefficient of Friction!
Interrupting coeffici.....
MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
—Sandra Karasiewicz

• Hi... I am afraid I am unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment but if you leave me a message, The News of the World will email it to me later—Dave Saunders

---

"G+hole" is a registered trademark of Doctor Popular.

• [Robert]

  Knock knock.
  Who’s there?
  To.
  To who?
  To whom.

• [plaintext]

  What do you call a Martian who farts in the bathtub and eats his own bubbles?

  Well adjusted.

  -National Lampoon circa 1972.

• [dragonfrog]

  Q: What’s the difference between a drummer and a large Hawaiian pizza?

  A: A large pizza will feed a family of four.

  Also, @Robert – that’s awesome! I must keep that one on hand for next time the knock knock jokes come out.

  • [ophmarketing]

    More drummer jokes!

    Q: How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
    A: Pay him for the pizza.

    Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
    A: The drummer.

• [UncaScrooge]

  Q: How many comment threads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

  A: Someone already did that joke.

  and

  Q: Why did the comment thread cross the road?

  A: To tramp down the dirt on Ayn Rand’s grave.

• [MightyMu]

  How many choreographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  5-6-7-8!

  Did you hear about the musician who locked his keys in the car? It took him half an hour to get the drummer out.

  A family of four walks into a talent agent’s office….

• [Anonymous]

  knock knock
  who’s there?
  the interupting cow.
  the interupting cow who?
  …
  wait, let me do that over.

• [emmdeeaych]

  how many Marxist Leninists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

  None. The lightbulb contains within itself the seed of it its own revolution.

• [millie fink]

  Why did Nixon watch Deep Throat four times?

  So he could get it down Pat.

  –Screw circa 1973

• [MrBawn]

  - What kind of nuts are those?
  - Cashews.
  - Gesundheit.

  Q: Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

• [Anonymous]

  How about this one:

  QHow many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

  A: LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!

  Or this one:

  An atom walks into a bar, looking sad. The bartender says, “hey, what’s wrong?” The atom says, “I lost an electron!” The bartender says, “Are you sure?” The atom says, “Yes, I’m positive!”

• [CLamb]

  How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two but its hard to find a lightbulb big enough and two programmers who like to screw.

• [Anonymous]

  Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his father in the forest?

• [Bloo]

  Rene Descartes is drinking in a bar.

  The bartender says “will you have another?”

  Descartes says “I think not” and disappears.

• [DarthVain]

  One of my favorites:

  There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

• [airshowfan]

  Let’s see if I can end the italics. Did that work?

• [airshowfan]

  Curses.

• [Mockiavelli]

  Hmm, can we fix the italics infection?

  Let’s see…

• [Anonymous]

  Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
  The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

• [MichaelRN]

  A proton walks into a bar and says, “I’ve lost an electron, has anyone seen it?”

  The bartender asks, “Are you sure?”

  The proton says, “I’m positive!”

• [Evan Rappaport]

  Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One but the light bulb has to want to change.

• [Anonymous]

  What do you call a drummer who broke up with his girlfriend?
  Homeless.

• [ill lich]

  The drummer/drool joke reminded me of my favorite musician joke (I know a lot of Berklee grads and dropouts):

  A missionary goes off to Africa, and ends up living in a very remote village deep in the jungle. He notices, continually, off in the distance, the sound of drums, and asks the tribal leader “what are those drums?” and gets the reply “ohhhh. . . drums stop, very bad!” and nothing more. Confused, he asks several other villagers and always gets the same response. Finally he says “OK, I understand, when the drums stop it will be bad, but why?” and the villager replies “drums stop. . . BASS SOLO!”

  And my favorite drummer joke:

  Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

  A: homeless.

• [Liz Noise]

  -This one must be read aloud.-

  Two peanuts walked into a bar and one was assaulted.

• [LightningRose]

  For the Linux geeks…

  A vacationing Penguin is driving through Arizona
  when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.
  He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
  motor. So, he drives to the nearest town and stops at the
  first gas station.

  After dropping the car off, the Penguin goes for a
  walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and,
  being in Arizona, decides that something cold would really
  hit the spot. So, he gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and
  sits down to eat.

  Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat
  with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes
  back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found
  the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like
  you blew a seal.”

  No, no,” the Penguin replies, “I swear it’s only ice cream.”

  • [Anonymous]

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgByS5v16Fw

• [Sterno Dare]

  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

  Just one , but it’ll cost you $3 grand and you’ll just have to do it over again when she leaves.

• [dorkus1218]

  “‘G+hole’ is a registered trademark of Doctor Popular.”
  Wait… THE docpop who I adored when I was super into yoyoing? when did he become cool outside of that niche? I gotta catch up.

  Also, the funny jokes are funny

• [zuludaddy]

  Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, but it’s crowded…

  Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One to do it, and one *not* to do it.

  Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: “That’s not funny!”

  Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One to hold it, and the world revolves around him…

  Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One to do it, and one to make a documentary about it.

  Q: How many efficiency engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Efficiency engineers don’t change light bulbs, only dark bulbs.

  Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One.

  Q: How many [insert your favorite stereotyped dimwit here] does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: [in dimwit dialect:] “Whut’s a light bulb?”

  [zuludaddy gets the shepherd's crook and is yanked off the stage...]

• [trainrider]

  A man is walking down the street one day and hears a group chanting “…ten, ten, ten, ten, ten…” in the distance. As he continues he passes an old abandoned building along the side of the road and the chanting gets louder, “…TEN, TEN, TEN, TEN, TEN…”. Curious to know what’s going on, he goes up to the front of the building and peeks into a hole drilled into a boarded up window. All of a sudden a stick comes through the hole and pokes him in the eye. He shrieks and jumps back, and as he stands there bewildered and in pain the chanting resumes, “…eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven…”

• [Anonymous]

  Helium walks into a bar, the bartender says, “We don’t serve nobel gases.”

  Helium doesn’t react.

• [Cook!EMonstA]

  What do you get when you cross the Titanic with the Atlantic?

  About half way

• [k7aay]

  Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

• [cellocgw]

  Someone screwed up a joke (not copied to the BB list): the correct version is:

  What is the square root of negative 69?

  i eight-something

  I liked the surrealist light bulb joke, for no good reason. and the hipster pizza

• [chaopoiesis]

  This is not a joke.

• [Anonymous]

  Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Drummer jokes crack me up.
  Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
  You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

• [skabob]

  My version of this joke:

  How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  I don’t know, how many?
  Fish.
  …?
  Well, maybe surrealist humor isn’t your cup of fur.

  • [Anonymous]

    how many surrealists does it take to change the lightbulb?

    Two.

    One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured
    machine tools.

  • [Antinous / Moderator]

    skabob,

    When you use the less-than sign, you invoke html.

• [endymion]

  Some of these I’ve heard before… some of them are OK…

  But for me it’s Breck Witte’s lesbian joke FTW.

• [netsharc]

  Here’s an to fix the italicising of the rest of this page.

  Geez, those nerd lightbulb jokes (hardware-problem, Microsoft one) I read in the 90′s… Did I use to think Xeni was cool?

  This one can also be considered old since I read its millionth retweet:

  A web developer walked into a bar. But quickly left when he saw the table layout.

  • [billstewart]

    Netsharc, most of them weren’t new on rec.humor either. But we’ve got a new medium here, so it’s retro (or would be, if we were actually doing this over on G+.)

    How many aikido masters does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to attack first.

    Why did the [ethnic] musician play traditional [ethnic] music?
    For the money.

    [Insert all the banjo jokes here, s/banjo/{accordian, viola, trombone}/ ]

    Antinous: When you use the less-than sign, you invoke html.
    Ia, that’s scary – Cthulhu only shows up if you invoke him three times.

    One teenager said to another “Did you know Paul McCartney was in another band before Wings?” (This wasn’t the original joke, where he’d have said it because he was ignorant – it was because it _really_ annoyed his parents.)

    • [JoshuaZ]

      That’s not Cthulhu. Hastur is the one whose name which when you say it three times he shows up. Although that wasn’t in the original Lovecraft material. I’m not aware of anything before the Call of Cthulhu game that made the claim. Before that he was just known as “Hastur the Unspeakable” but it wasn’t explained why.

      And just to be safe I’ve only said it twice in this post…

• [johnrynne]

  Suggested change in punchline of the News of the World joke: “.. but if you leave me a message, The News of the World will put it on tomorrow’s front page”

• [Anonymous]

  Q: What do you get when you cross your grandmother with an octopus?

  Don’t answer. I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

• [HikingStick]

  How many mosquitos does it take to screw in a lightbuld?

  Two, just like anyone else. Just don’t ask me how they got in there.

• [Nuski]

  A Korean policeman pulls over a speeding motorist. The motorist says, “Please look at me once.” The policeman replies, “Not even soup.”

• [HikingStick]

  Q) How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
  A) Ten…You got a problem with that?

• [youkillmymind]

  From fortune:
  Q) How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A) Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.

• [Chas44]

  Q) What do you get when you fail to close an italics tag?
  A) This page.

• [Anonymous]

  How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  Only two, but how they got in there I’ll never know!

• [Anonymous]

  What happens when you run in front of a car?
  You get tired.

  What happens when you run behind a car?
  You get exhausted.

  What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist bill?
  You get reposessed.

  What do you call a hula hoop with a nail in it?
  A Navel Destroyer.

  What lies at the bottom of the ocean and whimpers?
  A nervous wreck.

  What’s the difference between a place where they serve alcohol and an elephant with gas?
  One’s a barroom and the other’s a BARROOOMMMM!

  Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
  Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
  (If you don’t get it, you never studied base conversions)

• [butter]

  Here’s another cannibal joke:

  So these two cannibals are eating a clown, and one of them turns to the other and says “does this guy taste funny to you?”

• [Mr Dave]

  - Shucks, I forgot to take my medicine this morning.
  - Is it for your face?
  - No, it’s for my low self-esteem.
  - You’re not taking anything for your face?

• [Mr Dave]

  What’s Dr Who’s favourite food? Dalek Bread.

• [emo hex]

  And so as these two cannibals are eating this guy, the one looks at the other and says, “I’m having a great time!”
  the other cannibal looks up and says,
  “I’m having a ball!”

• [noah django]

  ay, yo–a priest, a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar. the bartender says “what is this, a joke?”

• [GuidoDavid]

  “why did the chicken cross the Moëbius strip?
  To get to the same side!”

• [samba00]

  A man walked into a bar. He said, “Ouch!”

  Two men walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would have seen it.

  Q. How many swingers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A. Swingers don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

• [zuludaddy]

  Q: What do you get when you cross Chinese food with German food?

  A: I don’t know either, but an hour later, and you’re [with a German accent] hungry for power.

• [bookninja]

  I liked the screenwriter one. Reminded me of two others: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to say, “That was great, but I’d have done it like this…” and How many directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know, what do YOU think?

• [TheNipponese]

  I guess I’m surprised how many people are ok with tying their real name to jokes about child rape and murder.

• [Anonymous]

  I went to my doctor the other day and told him “Doc, you have to help me. I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’.” The doctor said, “Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome.”
  “Tom Jones syndrome?” I replied, “Is it common?”
  To which the doctor said, “It’s not unusual.”

• [Anonymous]

  Q: How many Management Consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: It’s only 1 but the light bulb has to really want to change

• [Anonymous]

  Why did the chicken commit suicide?
  To get to the other side.

• [dccarles]

  What do you call a man in the water with no arms and no legs?
  Bob.

  What do you call him when he’s lying down on the floor?
  Matt.

  What do you call him when he has rabbits coming out of every bodily orifice?
  Warren.

  How many Chicago school economists does it take to change a light bulb?
  None. Darkness is a result of a temporary imbalance, which will soon be corrected by market forces.

  • [bocomo]

    a guy with no arms and no legs, hanging on a wall? Art

    a gal with no arms and no legs, in the ocean? Sandy

    a guy with no arms and no legs, Bill

    a gal with no arms and no legs, on a printing press? Dot

    a guy with no arms and no legs, on top of a pole? Mike

    a guy with no arms and no legs, in a scabbard? Dirk

    a gal with no arms and no legs, bouncing around on a bus? Jocelyn

    • [noah django]

      this is the grand finale:

      What do you call an Irishman with neither arms nor legs who is in your backyard?

      Patty O’Furniture

• [Anonymous]

  Q: How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?
  A: A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

• [seer]

  how many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
  two: one to hold the bulb and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

• [TabulaRasa]

  - Do you know the difference between Russia in the 60s and the USA today?

  Well, one is a police state where the secret service could eavesdrop on you, jail you in secret prisons and deny you all rights, be it human or procedural, so that you just disappeared and never emerged again except for a show trial – and the other one never had a black leader.

• [plaintext]

  What’s the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

  There are skid marks leading up to the snake.

• [Anonymous]

  Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

• [Anonymous]

  Did you hear about the Aggie farmer who got his tractor stuck in reverse and unplowed 3 acres? (For ‘Aggie,’ insert nationality/locality of your choice.)

• [Anonymous]

  A baby seal walks into a club…

• [shutz]

  “Here’s a neat trick,” he said.

  He opened his mouth, real wide. He inserted his hand, then his arm,
  down his throat. His shoulder dislocated to go farther down. He stopped.
  Then his arm came back out, and he pulled himself inside out.

  “What do you think?”

  “You’re still ugly.”

• [Robin Fitton]

  A programmer’s wife asks her husband to do some shopping.
   
  “Pick up a bottle of milk, and if they have any eggs get six”.
   
  A short while later he returns with his arms full of bottles of milk.
   
  “What happened?”, she enquires. “Why did you get so much milk?”
   
  “They had eggs.”
   

• [Bart Balm]

  A man drives his big, expensive car onto a parking lot and parks across several parking spots for disabled people. He gets out of his car and walks off. A police woman sees this happen and yells ‘Hey! What kind of disability do you have?’ The man turns around and says ‘Tourettes, [insert c_word]!’

• [Ian Symonds]

  How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?  The knock speeds up

• [Jim Smith]

  Why was Rowan Atkinson unhappy with the teabagging he received?
  Missed a bean.

• [Mim]

  A guy walks into a bar and sees a whale sitting at a table. He goes up to the whale and says, “OOOOOOooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo EEEEEEEEOOO
  OOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOO  OOOOOOOOOOO
  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ooooooo ooooooooo oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEE
  oooooooooooooooooooo
  EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooo ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo
  oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo
  EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo
  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo
  EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo
  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEO
  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee oo ooooooooo
  oooooooooooooo OOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE oooooooooooooooooooo
  EEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo oooooooo OOOOOOO ooooooo
  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

  The whale looks at him, takes a drink of his beer, and says, “Dude, you’re drunk.”

• [aaron mercer]

  Cowboys are idiots – That’s subtle genius in that thar joke!