HOWTO eat a watermelon

Mr Tom Willett, a man of many years and great experience, gives us the benefit of his long experimentation and refinement in watermelon-eating techniques. There are some surprises here, but he had me from his first words: "Hello, watermelon students!"

How to Eat a Watermelon Tutorial Tom Willett (Thanks, Fipi Lele!)

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

MORE: Food • Funny • not food • videos • youtube

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pushmonk

I HATE the Fork Cartel.
- http://twitter.com/fossilfuels Funk Daddy
  
  people eatin watermelon with fork probably also waste a lot of time and lose a lot juice cutting it up too much.
- bzishi
  
  The Fork Cartel isn’t that bad. If it wasn’t for them you’d have to use the same fork on your salad that you use on your dessert! And they’ve also brought us the technology of pitchforks and tuning forks.
  
  Really, if the Fork Cartel was that bad do you think they would have allowed someone to make a spork? They are good people and have hardly killed anyone to keep their monopoly on the primary eating utensil in the West.
  - Andrew Hlavats
    
    Filthy Fork Cartel apologist.
    - bzishi
      
      What has the Fork Cartel ever done to you?
      - social_maladroit
        
        They completely lost my support when they hired Tine Daily as their spokesperson.
  - joeposts
    
    ”They are good people and have hardly killed anyone…”
    
    Typical, gloss over the hundreds killed in the Forkland Islands.
- http://twitter.com/wilmcdaniel wilmcdaniel
  
  I hate the Chopstick Cartel. So there you go.
  - Jonathan Roberts
    
    Depends what you eat with them.
    http://wondermark.com/601/
http://twitter.com/fossilfuels Funk Daddy

Tired of plain ol watermelon at teh end of summer? Get yourself salt shaker with finely ground sea salts and shake a lil on yor melon as you go.

It’s good.
- bzishi
  
  Nooooo! Didn’t you watch the video? That is not how you eat a watermelon.
  
  And you call yourself a watermelon student?
  
  You get the grade of an F-MINUS!
  - Petzl
    
    Seriously, back to cantaloupes and honey dew melons for you.
- SomeGuyNamedMark
  
  Tried salt on fruit. Yuck
  - http://profile.yahoo.com/65CSAR3QATRNKJW4NYNB2BESZE JohnQPublic
    
    I know, it’s like a dog peed on the fruit. Yeah, it tastes different. Yeah it tastes more intense. Like pee.
  - http://www.facebook.com/pee.atwork Pee Atwork
    
    I like how you left out the period after “Yuck.” It’s like, yeah, you didn’t like the salt, but you’re open to other possible fruit/spice combos.
    - SomeGuyNamedMark
      
      I’m “spice curious”.
      - kinscore
        
        Try pepper. You may be surprised what foods it can enhance.
bcsizemo

Marshmellow?
Peanut Butter?

Might as well go ahead and ruin it with a little salt.
- niktemadur
  
  …and wash it down with a tall glass of milk.
  What’s the deal with watermelon and milk, anyway? When I was a kid, that’s what people said – “Don’t mix the two”.
- Boundegar
  
  I know. He lost me at marshmallow.
  - http://profile.yahoo.com/65CSAR3QATRNKJW4NYNB2BESZE JohnQPublic
    
    He lost me at 90 degrees from the surface of the watermelon. I’m more of a 60 degrees kind of guy.
Teresa Nielsen Hayden

Is there a wrong way to eat watermelon? I say no, same as there’s no wrong way to eat roasting ears.
- xyzzy123
  
  I hope you’re talking about corn…
- oasisob1
  
  I hope you’re NOT talking about corn.
- nanner
  
  this is the wrong way. Very, very wrong :(
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upxw2eiPQwU
http://www.youtube.com/user/PipLagenta Pip_R_Lagenta

This is an excellent lesson for people who do not know what a spoon is. He even shows a spoon and says “this is a spoon.” I don’t know what happened after that. I went away. One can only learn so much in a day.
ashypete

My goodness that is awesome. Glad he stated that he preferred the seeded varieties, I’ve always been convinced that they are somehow intrinsically better if you have to spit out a pile of seeds. I wonder if he has a secret about picking the best watermelons…
- DewiMorgan
  
  “if you have to spit out…” WHAT??? You EAT the seeds. EAT them! Crunchy seeds popping between your teeth is what the watermelon is all about!
  
  But yes, awesome video. And somehow, I knew, once I saw the marshmallow, that peanutbutter would be next. These are the cornerstones of truly American cuisine. Sure, you can say bacon and cheese, you can say corn and corn by-products, but every country uses those.
  
  America is about the only country which has made peanutbutter and marshmallow into core culinary elements.
  
  And I love the food here!
  - http://profile.yahoo.com/65CSAR3QATRNKJW4NYNB2BESZE JohnQPublic
    
    Enjoy your entrails becoming filled with watermelon vines and roots!!!
    - ashypete
      
      Exactly…
- Vaughn Marlowe
  
  A faded or yellow stripe along one side — it’s fully vine-ripened.
Scott Rubin

Only heathens put salt on watermelon. Now I can show this video to my heathen friend and go HAHA!
http://twitter.com/MartianEmpress Rezeya Montecore

I’m amazed nobody’s mentioned this perfect bit of Americana from Petey Greene:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9w7YPlGRX5w
- Jonathan Roberts
  
  Lord have mercy.
- DewiMorgan
  
  Now this man, he knows how to eat watermelon. In fact, I’d take it further – he’s eating it in half-length eighths. But if I’m not holding a wedge of watermelon twice as wide as my head, and burying my face in it, I don’t feel like I’m enjoying the watermelon fully.
  
  Now that I have a beard, this is messier than it was when I was a child, but as he shows, that’s what we have towels and cloths and napkins for.
- http://www.facebook.com/derek.prowse Derek Prowse
  
  I see he studied under the Italian School – he started in the northwest Quadrant. NWers have fallen out of favor after the incident in Sneeds.
beohbe

Glad I’m not the only one spending Friday evening watching a man consume a watermelon.
bo1n6bo1n6

Watermelon is no place for peanut butter or marshmallows.
hellishmundane

one serving of watermelon, one box of Popeye’s fried chicken, apply Cajun sparkle generously to both. wash down with malt liquor. if possible lighter fluid and fireworks when needed.
- http://www.facebook.com/timmo.warner Timmo Warner
  
  I read that as “Appley Cajun Sparkle” and it sounded like the best drink ever. I’m deeply disappointed. =o(
  - hellishmundane
    
    damn that does sound good. someone needs to invent that.
  - LaylaSV
    
    Apple Cajun Sparkle should be the new Mountain Dew flavor.
UberMitch

If I wanted to see a man eat a watermelon, I would have taken the watermelon-eating class!
- http://profile.yahoo.com/65CSAR3QATRNKJW4NYNB2BESZE JohnQPublic
  
  Enjoy paying back your watermelon student loans for the next decade!
unclemike

The right way to eat watermelon is with your face buried in a thick slice and so much juice running down your neck you have to jump into the pool/lake/ocean to clean up.
- http://plagmada.org Tim H
  
  I just spent eight minutes trying to find a youtube clip of the “adjusting the crankshaft” scene from The Couch Trip.
http://www.ikaink.net Itsumishi

That was both educational and entertaining.
Jasonbe

Juice it! Rind and all, with a wee bit of ginger…
arcduke

Guessing this guy will have a TED talk and a book deal soon enough.

Where I come from we put a little chaat masala on the watermelon to spice it up. Cue taste explosion in my mouth hole.
Sean Blomgren

Watermelon Tip: Put a Mexican hot sauce on it, like Valentina or Tapatio. Everyone I’ve told has recoiled in disgust, but it’s seriously the best way.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1391856142 Jonathan David Grindstaff

Great, except he cut it in half the wrong direction to begin. You cut across the stripes, not with the stripes.
- ocker3
  
  With the stripes gives you more initial surface area, especially as he’s defining half a watermelon as one serving and hasn’t used a spherical but oblong watermelon.
  
  Cutting across the stripes is usually easier, especially if you’re planning to cut it into sections and share the watermelon with many people, but not if you want a huge area to demonstrate on for a hilarious video
  - http://profile.yahoo.com/65CSAR3QATRNKJW4NYNB2BESZE JohnQPublic
    
    it’s a lot easier to make a watermelon helmet after cutting it across the stripes.
GuyInMilwaukee

If the flying spaghetti monster had intended watermelon to be eaten with silverware she would have created it precut to cubes and balls. You slice into sections, shove in your gob and spit seeds to your hearts content. It’s a wonderful thing.
- yadayada
  
  Exactly. My first thought when I saw it was a seedless was ‘Fucking heretic!’
- social_maladroit
  
  He couldn’t, though, without messing up that nice, clean shirt he’s wearing. It’s perfectly understandable. One wants to look good in one’s YouTube videos.
http://twitter.com/wormhog wormhog

My dad was firmly in the “one half = one serving” watermelon camp. Only he claimed the only part that was actually edible was a softball shaped piece dead center. The rest was inferior trash.
silkox

My favorite method: throw the thing at the ground with just enough force to break it into big pieces. Eat the pieces using your fingers.
- http://dreadpiraterobert.blogspot.com dreadpiraterobert
  
  When I was 13 I bought a replica set of samurai swords. Best watermelon cutting experience ever. It makes the watermelon taste like victory.
  - GeorgeMokray
    
    There’s actually a Japanese game that uses swords, blindfolds, and melons (suika). You blindfold the person with the sword and have them whack at the melon until they cut it open. Then everybody eats.
http://profile.yahoo.com/A3S3LDS2U2QLJ2QHB22IPBLQPU DeadL

so…for 9 minutes of my Friday night I watched a guy eat a watermelon.
http://www.facebook.com/barry.goldstein Barry Goldstein

This video is precisely why the internet is so friggin good.
42isall

No, you’re all doing it wrong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yVJ74gNgcs
- IndexMe
  
  OMFG I totally cracked up
- ocker3
  
  I am simultaenously amused and saddened
- Rich Keller
  
  That’s hilarious when I watch it and horrifying when I play it with my eyes closed.
GeorgeMokray

Today I bought a small watermelon, some limes, and dill. I will cut up some of the melon, put lime juice and chopped dill on it. These tastes compliment and complement each other very well.

PS: Petey Greene can’t be beat.
- http://www.facebook.com/dpease Dave Pease
  
  i salute your inventive spirit, but that sounds horrible
  - GeorgeMokray
    
    Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. Just one chunk of melon, a little lime juice, and a bit of dill. It works for me but chacun à son goût.
http://www.facebook.com/clara.m.gilbert Clara Madonna Gilbert

Watermelon heretic! The best watermelon for adults,remove plug,fill , add a2 liters of good rum,light or dark,replug chill 10 hours. Spoon and drinking straws.
- Cowicide
  
  Ah, spiked watermelon… brings back fuzzy memories…
Verre

The best way to eat watermelon is in the form of heretical gazpacho. Onward, savories! Down with sweets!
BunnyShank

Cardinal directions on a watermelon, 1 and 15/16ths hole, marshmallows, crunchy peanut butter, hiding evidence: this dude is stoned.
- Verre
  
  This is how I want to spend my old age…
  - BunnyShank
    
    get to work, because furtive, fluffy, sweet, semi hemispheric peanut fruit globs, trounce gazpacho for the munchies at any age
    - DewiMorgan
      
      Nice :) I’m just going to sit here awhile, enjoying your sumptuous word choices.
circuitbent

Glad Tom Willett is with me in the Seeded vs. Seedless war. Personally, I don’t see the the point of watermellon unless I’m outside on a hot evening spitting seeds.
IndexMe

Intrigued. By the peanut butter and chocolate milk references.
I kept thinking is the secret ingredient milk? Someone said no. But strawberries and milk go together well (like in Japanese kakigori shaved ice, or strawberry milk). Is watermelon really not a milk partner?
I would like to see the graduate class where I can finally learn how to eat the seeded variety.
Thanks for dill and lime tip!
PeterCantropus

This is LAME…. I really don’t know why people get all excited about puting crap into a watermellon. Watermellons are for summer; summer is hot, watermellons are refreshing and juicy…. marshmallows and peanut butter are the complete opposite!

And it’s lame anyways, since he basically is just eating marshmallows with a little bit of watermellon juice on them…. What’s so friggi’n special about that? Technique? Seriously?
- hellishmundane
  
  oh, ok.
- http://twitter.com/MartianEmpress Rezeya Montecore
  
  People, this is the most indignation you will ever see about a watermelon. Everybody pause to savor the moment.
  - enterthestory
    
    >pause to savor the moment
    But not with salt.
- Gingerman Giant
  
  Ennyn Durin aran Moria. Pedo watermellon a minno.
- Sparg
  
  Well, there’s always spiking a watermelon with your favorite liquor.
schlocktober

This video is the most abstract suicide note ever.
http://www.facebook.com/mattearly Matt Early

This is bull… Show me how to eat a watermelon with the seeds… Seedless? That aint no watermelon, but a ball of watermelon pleasure without the pain… Onanism at its highest… You dirty old man!
Chris Porter

This clip was even better than Jonathan Winters in its seriousness.
ocker3

Am I seriously alone in now having a Huge jones to eat some watermelon?? Curse the fact that it’s almost 10pm and the supermarkets are closed (and that watermelon is out of season).
ab167

This is like the “Look Around You” of American public access-style videos. HOW SO DEADPAN?
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Y27XUSXK3ZVGFHKP5D3CXT7H2U Spam

I like using a fork with a kitchen knife to cut out large chunks for a bowl and cut the chunk into little pieces as I eat it. Lastly, hold the bowl to my lips and slurp the juice.
I saw a recipe that swears that feta cheese is the best thing for watermelon. I prefer a little salt myself.Marshallow? Yuk. This video is disappointing because the watermelon is seedless and I wanted to watch to improve my seed spitting technique. Practice that only if you have a porch.
Poseidon used his trident to eat watermelon, you know.
- LisaPolyester
  
  Feta and watermelon Rules!
ahecht

Anyone else reminded of “Leonard Reviews” from Community?
- schlocktober
  
  Immediately! They have a similar earnestness.
http://artdonovan.typepad.com Art

Up next: How to eat a ham sandwich (tutorial video)
- Wreckrob8
  
  With a knife and fork. Cut the crusts off and discard. Cut the remaining sandwich into small squares. Balance sandwich chunks on top of fork using the knife to push them into place and place in mouth. Never use a fork to spear or shovel food. Place knife and fork together at an angle on your plate when finished.
  It’s how they are eaten in England. Honest.
  What’s peanut butter?
citizen

It pains me to see this senseless animosity between proponents and detractors of salt on watermelon. The whole debate is based on a tragic misunderstanding: The correct savoury powder to enhance your watermelon experience is not regular salt (NaCl), but sal ammoniac or salmiak salt (NH4Cl).

I’m sure that both camps, given a chance to experience this magical condiment, would join hands and amicably dance in the streets, singing the praise of ammonium chloride.
http://twitter.com/Kra1d Alex

Still prefer the Petey Greene way.
http://twitter.com/ErnestValdemar Ernest Valdemar

Just like in the video, except substitute frozen vodka for the marshmallows, and soft-scrambled eggs (i.e. French-style omelet) for the ice cream. Add Italian crushed red peppers to taste. Mmmmm.

The only thing missing is prosciutto.
http://borborygmist.influxofdust.com/ Wayne Dyer

I’d give up a left [insert appendage or dangly bit here] to be able to eat watermelon. Gives me horrible throat and ear itchiness. Throw in NSAIDs and I’d be a happy man.
wigwam

I hope retirement is still around when I get to be his age. And that I’ll have a wealth of ideas to share where fruit eating techniques are concerned.
vonbobo

I’m kind of like this with my pancakes.

Making watermelon and kale juice tonight, BTW.
Qat

Damn. Am I the only one who spend 9 minutes expecting that this watermelon experience would suddenly turn into something extraordinary ?

I don’t know, like errr, like juice + marshmallow = non-newtonian fluid, or potent explosive, or acid reaction that eats through all the pulp and then solidifies into a tasty phosphorescent jelly, or instant rhum, or a portrait of Lincoln eating a pie…

Sight… am I the only one ? Did Internet spoil me to the point I’m not capable of enjoying this ‘per se’ anymore ?

Sad.
- http://profile.yahoo.com/65CSAR3QATRNKJW4NYNB2BESZE JohnQPublic
  
  I feel like this was Boing Boing’s version of Rickrolling its readers.
http://www.facebook.com/grokstar Mari Stephenson

Here’s my grandson using his lego Dremel to get at the edges of his watermelon. I think
he will be teaching a Watermelon Tech class soon.
Antinous / Moderator

I don’t like watermelon. Or pandas.
Sparg

Our Order of the Arrow lodge used to have an annual summer watermelon sacrifice. Swords and watermelon fun!
Yamaplos .

the right kind of spoon for watermelon eating is a WW2 US Army, like the one my dad brought home – my watermelon spoon for many years, in several countries.
http://twitter.com/samthepea Sam Pourasghar

My Pa would sit on the floor in the lounge and crack open a watermelon, my siblings and I would circle around armed with teaspoons and we’d stab at it like it was a delicious exposed brain.