JC Penney wins Supreme Court victory, may sacrifice employees to Cthulhu.

You knew this was coming, right?

Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company's right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.

The Penney estate, devout cultists and owners of the multibillion-dollar chain of mid-range department stores, joined by CEO Mike Ullman, sued the government in 2012 when new federal employee protections made it illegal for them to hire virgin maidens for the sole purpose of spilling their blood on the Altar of the Cosmos, with the hope that such an offering will prolong the Great Old One's slumber in the sunken city of R'lyeh.

Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees to Appease Cthulhu [Moonmont Chronicle]

(via JWZ)

Notable Replies

  1. That's not what we meant, dammit!

  2. Little Caesar's is also happy they can now throw christians to the lions.

  3. I love this ruling (the actual one being satirized) because it brings out the real in people. I got someone to admit to me that they think that businesses should be free to "fail" in the market by not allowing black people in.

  4. This is just stupid. Cthulhu is going to awake when the stars are right and no sacrifices can change that.

  5. I'm personally declaring my business is following the principles of His Delicious Sauciness, and therefore I won't be covering my employees for any gluten-intolerance related issues. My employees can eat what they want at dinner time, but don't make my company pay for their celiac treatments!

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