Gifts for Lovers in the Death Throes of The American Republic
Silver heart pill container pendant / $100
Compartment will fit 6 small antipsychotic pills comfortably.
Jasmine Absolute Essential Oil / $55
An uplifting, hopeful, and romantic scent. Beautiful as a pick me up, or an aphrodisiac. — Xeni
Personalized End Grain Chopping Block / $190
This personally engraved chopping block is to die for! As you shall, in the brutal civil war portended by the election of Donald Trump.
Square, lightweight plastic flask from Stanley / $15
Sturdy, multicolored flasks that go around the world with you, perfect
for a sneaky V-day cocktail with your sweetie (Previously) — Cory
The Womanizer: comes with a "100% orgasm guarantee"
It's not a vibrator. It's a gadget that suckles the clitoris. Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy, said it "induces powerful orgasms in a shockingly short amount of time." — Mark
Barry White: All-Time Greatest Hits / $4
Want to set the mood? Here's the soundtrack your evening needs. — Jason
Defenders Mushroom Extract Blend / $35
Say it with shrooms! This is a high-quality Asian medicinal mushroom extract tonic, an exotic blend with purported adaptogenic properties. It may brighten up your brain and help you cope with stress. Chaga, Reishi, Shiitake, Maitake and Turkey Tail. — Xeni
Key Knife / $12
A blade cleverly hidden in a key-shaped handle, which many report having successfully taken through TSA checkpoints — Cory
Crystal Ball / $13
Your loved one might need this to see into the future of our country. You may want to buy one for yourself. — Xeni
Diamond-Accent Pendant Necklace / $80
For those who just need to get the Valentine's Day situation dealt with immediately, which is everyone, frankly, because we're all going to be obliterated, our atoms blasted onto the winds of space, our ultimate fate no nobler or less magnificent than to become the matter of new stars — Rob
Such romance. Much feelings. / $5
A Very Doge Valentine Card — Jason
Unfuck Your Habitat / $13
Unfucker-in-chief Rachel Hoffman has distilled the Unfuck-your-habitat philosophy into a brilliant, breezy book — Cory
Star Trek: The Original Series Adult Coloring Book / $10
If you are home alone, chances are you'll enjoy this TOS coloring book.
BookBook laptop covers / $80
Show your loved one that you love them, but don't want to look at their ugly laptop. One of the best looking and feeling laptop covers, BookBook protects your device from a drop. It looks enough like a book you may be able to keep your laptop in the seatback when traveling by air. — Jason
Latex Skull Bag / $75
Also available in black and pink, this glow-in-the-dark molded memento mori handbag features a spooky lining and an inside pocket — Cory
Giant Testes Door Knocker / $200
Are you meeting a romantic partner's family for the first time this Christmas and at a loss for a gift idea that will impress them with your suitability as a potential addition to the clan? Look no farther. — Cory
Lotte Lenya Sings Berlin Theatre Songs / $7
The great bittersweet voice songs of romance, hope, hedonism, and a reminder that life and love endure, even when dark clouds fill our skies — Xeni
Barefoot Dreams Bamboo wrap / $90
A soft and cozy feminine gift that looks amazing. Depending on the season, usually these are in the $80-$100 range on Amazon . With proper care, they stay fuzzy and fresh for a long time. — Xeni
Belgian Darts Set / $120
End grain basswood board, scoring rings separated by hydraulically inserted brass, and polished steel-tipped darts with birch wood barrels and shafts. A perfectly subtle way to prepare your offspring for the generations-long struggle against nameless enemies, in which guns and tanks will be but legendary vestiges of the once-great civilizations of man, spoke of in hushed and revential terms as more darts are carved and sharpened in the fire. — Rob
Laser-cut birchwood landscape rings / $24
Sex and Drugs: A Journey Beyond Limits / $25
A classic book of blissed-out altered consciousness by Boing Boing patron saint Robert Anton Wilson. — Mark
Pilot Vanishing Point retractible nib fountain pen / $140
I love my unique, never leaking Pilot/Namiki Vanishing Point. I have carried it for years and the pen writes as beautifully today as when I bought it. Read More — Jason
Full Body Spandex Lycra Suit / $40
Enjoy a close encounter of the 4th kind with your loved one!
Kawaii Heart Stickers / $5
Five bucks a sheet
Moleskine, Large / $16
For scrawling the final secrets of humanity by the light of a smog-veiled and uncertain sun, the recollections of a lover long-lost yet clung to amid the vast and shearing weight of death and war. And maybe a bit of saucy slashfic too! – Rob
Note that however sexy it may be, an Inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex Costume will not fit in a bug-out bag.
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