He's been called psychotic, narcissistic and dangerously unbalanced, but finally we have the 'National Enquirer' dig its notoriously sharp teeth into President Donald Trump this week with its revelatory cover story: "The Secret Psych Evaluation!"
The "explosive report" by the crack investigative team of medically-trained 'Enquirer' reporters promises to blow the lid off Trump's "shocking psych file!"
What does the iconoclastic tabloid that routinely excoriates celebrities for being too fat, too thin, too wrinkly, too surgically-enhanced, too rich or too poor, now reveal about the psychological flaws of America's Commander in Chief?
Its "investigation" uncovers this startling discovery: "He's got the mind to be a great president."
"Natural-born leader Donald Trump is a highly focused, driven and charismatic genius who thinks outside the box – and is almost too smart for his own good!"
That's the "remarkable analysis of 13 top psychotherapists and behavioral health specialists" who studied Trump for the 'Enquirer.'
Well, no fake news to see here. Move along, move along.
It's almost refreshing to see the 'Enquirer' resume its normal fact-challenged service with claims that singer Cher has been "brought back from the dead" (because zombies are all the rage this year), Ellen DeGeneres' girlfriend Portia de Rossi has moved into a "lesbian love shack" (because she couldn't just move into any old house – it had to be a lesbian house), and analyze "Hollywood's best boobs – Fantastic or Plastic?' which presumably comes under the heading of public service journalism – though evidently few stars can say: "They're real, and they're spectacular."
The 'National Examiner' reveals that Britain's Queen Elizabeth "has secretly named Prince William and wife Kate the king and queen of England," and the 'Globe' calls William "Britain's newly named king." Don't worry if you missed the lavish coronation ceremony, street parades and national day of celebration – it never happened. Prince Charles is still heir to the monarchy, and will be king when his mother dies – an event that the tabloids will certainly proclaim a "Palace coup" by Charles to "steal the throne." Guaranteed.
"Flesh-eating cancer attacks Kurt's face!" screams a 'Globe' headline above photos of actor Kurt Russell with bloody scabs below his lip. Medical experts – who have never treated Russell – "fear" these are scabs linked to cancer. Or Russell could simply have tripped and cut his lower lip, which would produce identical wounds, but hardly makes for such a shocking headline.
Britain's spare heir Prince Harry meanwhile is "Ready To Propose!" claims the cover of 'Us' magazine, and could be engaged to American TV actress Meghan Markle "by summer." Forget the fact that it took Harry's last girlfriend six years to secure even a meeting with his grandmother, the Queen. 'Us' mag puts this Royal romance on the fast track, explaining that "Harry wants a family."
Presumably he wants to snag a bride before his family's premature male-pattern baldness strikes. 'People' magazine devotes its cover to Hollywood royalty, charting Oscar-winner Viola Davis's rise "From Poverty to Stardom." Former President George W Bush reveals to 'People' his "New Life's Work," which evidently involves producing yet more aesthetically-challenged mediocre paintings, which strongly suggests that he was a better president than he is an artist – and that's not saying much.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Gigi Hadid wore it best (though she still looked a mess), TV's 'The Bachelor' star Nick Viall hates mayonnaise, Michael Jackson's daughter Paris Jackson carries skin cream, sunglasses, and keys in her Star Wars backpack (kudos for not carrying yet another celebrity-uniform Balenciaga tote or Prada bag), and that the stars are just like us: they play pool, paddle-board, and pose for selfies.
Leave it to the 'Examiner' to reveal that the "Loch Ness Monster Has a Mate – and Babies!" Despite decades of fruitless scientific searches for Nessie, the 'Examiner' not only insists that the creature exists, but claims: "Offspring could spread throughout the world." Baby monsters could supposedly migrate from Loch Ness through streams taking them from Scotland to "wreak havoc" worldwide, leading to "environmental catastrophe." As if prehistoric monsters could spawn like kudzu.
An unnamed "analyst" tells the 'Examiner': "You could have a fisherman in Montana getting a really huge pull on his line – and finding a 20-foot serpent at the end of it!"
Perhaps it's time to encourage President Trump to take up fishing as a relaxing pastime?
Onwards and downwards . . .