The acclaimed hip-hop group Outkast once famously sang:
I know you'd like to think your shit don't stank, but
Lean a little bit closer, see
Roses really smell like boo-boo-ooh
But what if you leaned a little bit closer…and found the falsely nostalgic olfactory sensation of a Pumpkin Spice Latte instead?
That's the idea behind Dude Wipes' DUMPkin Spice Wet Wipes, I guess. This company sends me frequent PR missives about their "flushable" wipes that are like other wet wipes, except, ya know, for dudes. As they explain on their website:
2011: At the time 95% of our diets consisted of burritos and beer, so conversations about your latest dump were plentiful. We started using baby wipes instead of toilet paper and our lives were forever changed. But there was one problem: there were no wipes for on-the-go deucing situations! Sensing a toilet bowl sized hole in the market, we founded DUDE products.
Okay, fine. Sure. Typically, I just ignore these emails — but one of them finally got through to me:
Pumpkin Spice season is here, and we're so excited to offer you a one of a kind PSL product that is truly unlike any other pumpkin spice product out there. Meet DUMPkin Spice Wipes from DUDEwipes. These wipes are perfect for all of life's messes, made with clove, nutmeg and other fall sh**.
To which, I naturally replied:
Okay, fine. I can't believe I'm typing these words, but send me the pumpkin spice ass wipes.
A few days later, three packs of Dumpkin Spice Butt Wipes showed up at my door. You could practically see the pungent chemical odor of artificial "pumpkin spice" wafting through the box. But I opened them anyway, and indeed, tried to use them to wipe my own butt.
The sickly sweet stench of the Dumpkin Spice Wet Wipe was more nauseating than anything that has come out of me, at least in the last few weeks. Perhaps even worse is that, after wiping, my butt feels wet and damp while also reeking of artificial pumpkin spice. I don't know who enjoys walking around with that moist feeling between their cheeks; even when I've used a bidet, I still typically dry myself off afterward.
Literally the best thing I can say about these things is that the packaging has an explicit warning (on the back, in small print) that these are not recommended for use in toilets that have a macerator pump or similar setup. The toilet at my house is below the city's main line, so we have to have an ejector pump — which has indeed broken from so-called "flushable" wipes in the past. Fortunately, I had already assumed this would be the case, just as it is with most wipes that claim to be "flushable" or "biodegradable"—claims that are technically true but don't exactly acknowledge the time required to biodegrade. Granted, the rest of the large print copy on the Dumpkin Wipes and all of the accompanying material only boasts about the flushable convenience, saying things like, "Unlike baby wipes, DUDE Wipes begin to break down once flushed, making them sewer-safe and septic-safe."
That's bullshit, and no amount of Pumpkin Spice perfume will change that.
But hey, if you're morbidly curious or eager to torture someone, a 3-pack of Dumpkin Spice Wet Wipes will only cost you $15.
