What do Charles Manson and O.J. Simpson have in common? Both plan to come back from the dead, according to this week's fact-challenged tabloids.
Mass killer Manson is "using voodoo to live again and get revenge" claims the 'Globe.' Inspired by allegations that Manson has been sticking pins in voodoo dolls of his enemies, the 'Globe' alleges that "Manson's most chilling plan is to use voodoo to turn himself into a zombie, a walking dead man, after his demise, so he could continue taking revenge on the world!"
O.J. Simpson evidently plans a more exulted route to life after incarceration. "Tell them to expect me like they're expecting Jesus to come back – because I'm coming," reports the 'National Enquirer.'
One thing is certain: If both men get to walk the Earth again it won't be long before Ryan Seacrest Productions combines them for one hell of a reality TV show. Or maybe 'Lifestyles of the Undead & Famous?'
I really need to tell any tabloid Editors out there: This word "Exclusive" – You keep using that word. It does not mean what you think it means.
Just look at that blurred, fuzzy photo purporting to be Charles Manson in a hospital bed, beneath the headline "Another Enquirer Exclusive – The Photo That No Other Publication In The World Could Get!"
It's not such a singular sensation when the 'Globe' publishes the same photo on its cover, beneath the headline "World Exclusive."
Or how about the 'Globe' offering its "Exclusive Interview & Photos" of actress Shelley Duvall living in what appears to be reduced circumstances on a ranch in Texas? How does that compare with the 'Enquirer Exclusive" interview and photos of Shelley Duvall at her ranch in Texas?
Does "Exclusive" mean "Everyone has this"? Or is it just another example of Trumpian Newspeak?
Questionable headline of the week comes courtesy of the 'Globe': "Jane Fonda Boots Sickly Toy Boy, 74!" If there is ever a statute of limitations on the age limit for describing a lover as a "toy boy," surely 74 has to be several decades in excess of that mark.
Two competing figurines offered for sale in this week's 'Globe' also present its readers with a quandary. Do they buy the "President Donald Trump Commemorative Tribute" limited-edition figurine unveiled for the first time, "hand-crafted, hand-painted" and seven inches tall depicting a dark-suited Trump raising his right hand in a wave? Or do they opt for the 17-inch sculpted figurine of Herman Munster, dark-suited and waving his right hand – and playing the 'Munsters' theme tune at the push of a button? The Munster figurine promises his "sculpted hair" and "ghoulish shade of green" skin, while the Trump figurine offers his unnaturally glowing flesh tones and equally sculpted hair. Herman Munster costs $139.99, while the Trump figurine costs only $49.98 but plays no songs at all. The Trump figurine doesn't even build a small wall around itself, which may disappoint many fans. I'd love to know which sells best.
"Princess Kate's Secret Bulimia Battle" might be a better exclusive in the 'Enquirer' if they hadn't reported on her alleged eating disorder so many times before. Singer Kenny Rogers' "cancer nightmare" revealed in the 'Globe' might also seem a little fresher if they hadn't accompanied the story with a photo Rogers posted on social media explaining that he had cancer back in 2014, when he had skin cancer removed from his face.
The 'National Examiner' brings us the oldest story in this week's tabloids, however – more than 460 years old, to be precise – reporting Nostradamus's predictions for 2017. The 16th century French physician and tabloid favorite predicted nuclear war, a giant planet approaching Earth, the largest earthquake ever to hit the U.S., the growth of solar power, a truce between Ukraine and Russia, and commercial space travel in orbit around Earth for the year ahead. But good luck finding mention of any of these things if you go searching through anything Nostradamus actually wrote.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Kenya Moore wore it best, Rachel Bilson carries crayons, Q-tips and her son's Hot Wheels car in her backpack, and that the stars are just like us: they shop for shoes, eat finger foods, and feed parking meters. Riveting revelations, as always.
'People' devotes its cover story to America's "Daughter in Chief," Ivanka Trump, an incredibly sycophantic piece of pablum that looks at "her gorgeous D.C. home," her "daily talks with her dad (she speaks her mind!)" and how she plans on "raising kids and working in the White House." With no hint of irony 'People' reports that as one of Trump's most trusted advisers Ivanka will "push a female-centric agenda." She tells the mag: "I'm a huge advocate for women and women's issues, like child care." Because when issues of abortion rights, equal pay, sex discrimination and a woman's right to control her own body are at issue, America's women need a pampered millionairess fighting to make them better care-givers.
The big mystery of the week, however, is posed by the 'National Examiner,' which reports that "Ancient Egyptian Tombs Hold Alien Coffins!" Two dozen large granite boxes, carved to a degree of precision that suggests alien manufacture to any self-respecting tabloid reporter, are thought by Egyptologists to be the intended last resting place for mummified bulls. But "UFO theorists," who I suspect are a lot more fun at parties than Egyptologists, "say the boxes may have been intended to hold the remains of the aliens who directed their construction, but that the aliens left Earth before they died."
I'd be much more impressed if they opened these ancient granite sarcophagi and found a Trump figurine inside one, and a musical Herman Munster figurine inside another. Nostradamus probably saw that coming a mile away.
Onwards and downwards . . .