J. Edgar Hoover killed President Kennedy, O.J. Simpson aims to murder Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner, and JonBenet Ramsey’s babysitter tells all, in this week’s reality-divorced tabloids.
JonBenet’s babysitter Kristine Griffin tells the ‘Globe': “The parents didn’t do it - but I know who did.” But she refuses to identify the killer. So much for telling all.
O.J., weeks from going free on parole, is “hell-bent on revenge,” claims the ‘National Enquirer,’ which is a step back from recent tabloid stories that claimed Simpson plans to murder everyone who ever doubted his innocence. Incapable of inventing a motive for O.J.’s murderous rage, a dubiously unnamed source muses: “O.J. blames Kris for everything. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s all her fault.”
Why would FBI director Hoover put a hit out on JFK? “He was being fired for blackmailing prez,” reports the ‘Globe,’ helpfully adding: “Lee Harvey Oswald was on his payroll!” How did they slip that conspiracy past the Warren Commission? Hoover blackmailed the Commissioners with dirt on every one of the investigators. It sounds obvious once it’s explained, doesn’t it?
You have to admire the ‘National Examiner’ for its story on actress Betty White explaining why, at 95, “I’ll never get plastic surgery.” Presumably it’s because the chance to look 20 years younger doesn’t sound that appealing. Why would she want to compete with a bunch of 75-year-old actors when she has the 95-year-old market locked up?
The ‘Examiner’ has come late to the tabloid realization that the British Royal family rarely sue, no matter how egregious the story, and this week devotes its cover to “William Catches Camilla Cheating!” Naturally, the Queen “has demanded Charles get an immediate divorce from his power-hungry wife - and banish her from the kingdom forever.” As if it’s an episode of 'Game of Thrones.’ It’s a shame that this same affair claim appeared in May, 2015, in the ‘Globe,’ which alleged that Charles and Camilla had an explosive fight over her fling with an unnamed British actor. Read the rest