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Bicycle sexually assaulted

A bicycle owner, sick of his ride being molested by a mystery masturbator, set up a video camera to catch the villain in the act. [The Local] Rob

Fred Willard avoids going to trial following his lewdness arrest in July

After getting caught in the act -- specifically, the act of masturbating at Hollywood's Tiki Theater (for adults) -- Fred Willard has avoided trial after completing a "diversion program for minor sexual offenses" in September. I'm going to pretend that this program was conducted by a Christopher Guest character to make this story extra fun, now that it looks like it's over. (via Huffington Post) Jamie

Fred Willard arrested for masturbating to porn because that's not what porn is for, apparently

As far as celebrity arrests for whacking off in a porn theater go, we can proudly proclaim that this generation's Pee-Wee Herman has finally arrived! Fred Willard, that guy who has appeared in several Christopher Guest movies, Anchorman, Everybody Loves Raymond, and various guest spots on TV shows including Tim & Eric, Modern Family, and The Boondocks (and the one thing he probably won't be invited back to do, voiceover work for Old Navy) was caught red-handed in a Los Angeles adult movie theater by police doing a "random walk-through." I have a question: What do police think people normally do with their penises in porn theaters on a typical Wednesday night, and do taxpayers really need to be paying for them to check? The public demands an answer.

While Mr. Willard sorts out his legal problems and the world laughs, let's compare whacking off in a porn theater to other 100 percent normal activities that probably wouldn't warrant a "random walk-through" by the police (but maybe they should).

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