Get ordained in the First United Church of Cthulhu

A decade ago, I became ordained in the Church of Latter-Day Dudes so I could officiate a wedding in Texas; it is, apparently, legal for the Dude to abide over the institution of marriage in that state.

But that was a different time, before an apathetic cosmic horror who craves nothing but worshipful death from his followers became an appealing alternative to the current leadership of several powerful nations. Which is why I've renounced by Dudeist vows, and am now ordained in the First United Church of Cthulhu.

In order to perform weddings, some states do require a letter of good standing from the local governing authority of your church; I learned this the hard way when I officiated a wedding in Massachusetts, and the governing authority for the Church of Latter-Day Dudes was characteristically lazy and unresponsive. Luckily, the website for the First United Church of Cthulhu offers clear instructions for this:

You are the gibbering voice, the insanity-inducing dreaming mind blast, the writhing real world living tentacle of Cthulhu! As the head priest and exalted avatar of Cthulhu I ordain thee as a priest of Cthulhu. As such, you are granted by the power of Cthulhu to physically sign your own Letter of Good Standing. Or ordain a friend and have them sign it.

If you really need my signature as the Head Priest it's gonna run you $20. But that includes shipping and the cost of having it notarized. And I'm sorry your state sucks. You should really summon a few star-spawn and take care of that problem.

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The makeshift coronavirus hospital in Central Park requires workers to oppose LGBTQ rights

Samaritan's Purse is the Evangelical humanitarian aid organization behind the emergency pop-up coronavirus hospital that's set up shop in Central Park to help with overflow from other health facilities, specifically New York's Mount Sinai. In addition to the 14 tent, 68-bed field hospital in New York, the group also dispatched 60 disaster response specialists with 20 tons of medical equipment to help address the disaster response in Cremona, Italy.

On the surface level, this is largely good; hospitals are crowded and medical workers are overwhelmed by the COVID-19 pandemic.

But it gets complicated when you factor in the group's founder: Franklin Graham, son of the infamous Evangelical fire-and-brimstone preacher Billy Graham. And lest you were hoping that the Graham apple had fallen far from the tree, Franklin is in fact a bit of an Endtimes Obsessive, who of course has a history of saying terrible things about Islam (particularly as it relates to Barack Obama) as well as Hinduism. Unsurprisingly, he's a hardcore Trumper, too, as well as an advocate for the s0-called gay conversion therapy that is unquestionably a form a psychological abuse. He's even praised Putin's anti-LGBTQ authoritarianism. In Franklin Graham's own words from 2014:

It’s obvious that President Obama and his administration are pushing the gay-lesbian agenda in America today and have sold themselves completely to that which is contrary to God’s teaching.

[…]

Isn’t it sad, though, that America’s own morality has fallen so far that on this issue—protecting children from any homosexual agenda or propaganda—Russia’s standard is higher than our own?

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Elizabeth Warren on marriage equality

Senator Warren gave this very clear answer at CNN's LBGTQ town hall.

It is wonderful that candidates can now clearly answer questions about the right to marry and the legal protections it offers without the waffling of yesteryear. Read the rest

Bigots who swore their religious beliefs would force them to divorce if Australia passed marriage equality renege on promise

In 2015, Nick and Sarah Jensen publicly swore that their religious beliefs would force them to divorce in protest if Australia enacted marriage equality laws that allowed for same-sex marriage. This week, Australia passed such legislation, but the Jensens were evidently lying, and now Nick Jensen told the press (by text-message!) that they meant their "public comments regarding civil divorce never envisaged me separating from my wife, but rather our marriage from the state." Read the rest

'Atheists, homosexuals and transgender individuals' upset Alabama's chief justice

In a weirdly hostile and creepy press conference in Alabama this week, the state's Supreme Court Chief Justice complained about a variety of foes including “a tranvestite,” plus "atheists, homosexuals and transgender individuals."

He says these foes brought forward a politically motivated complaint about his administrative order to probate judges not to issue same-sex marriage licenses. Chief Justice Roy Moore also blamed the Southern Poverty Law Center for getting in the way of his gay marriage squashing orders. Read the rest

Pope met with Kim Davis, urged homophobic Kentucky clerk to “stay strong”

Where is your Cool Pope now, America? His PR game is undoubtedly on fleek, but he's still beholden to the same homophobic crap we know and love from the Catholic Church, the world's most powerful supporter of impunity for priestly pedophiles. Read the rest

Survivor bandmembers “gobsmacked” at Kim Davis and Mike Huckabee using 'Eye of the Tiger' at rally

Survivor guitarist and “Eye of the Tiger” co-writer Frankie Sullivan says nobody in their camp granted permission for their 1982 hit song to be featured at a rally for Kim Davis without their permission.

Kim Davis welcome out of jail rally played “Eye of the Tiger” theme song

Gay-hatin' Lord-fearin' American Martyr Kim Davis and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee celebrate Davis' release from jail with an overused '80s sports anthem. Read the rest

Kentucky county clerk jailed until she does her job, or quits it

A court has issued a harsh (if eminently Republican) response to the problem posed by Kim Davis.

WATCH: Impressive GTA V homage to US marriage equality

N&B Gaming commemorated US marriage equality with a fabulous GTA V rainbow dance party, till the cops showed up. Stick around for hilarious outtakes. Read the rest

What is marriage, anyway? Sesame Street's Grover and a cute child explain.

Helpful definition for anyone confused by the Supreme Court ruling that legalized gay marriage in America.

WATCH: Kentucky official calls cops, denies gay couple's marriage license

Rowan County, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis discontinued all marriage licenses rather than give one to gay couples like David V. Moore and David Ermold, together for 17 years and local residents for ten. Read the rest

Defending Confederate flag, South Carolina legislator goes off on crazy anti-rainbows rant

They're not rainbows. They're “abomination colors.”

Internet preacher: Because SCOTUS gay marriage ruling, Putin will destroy America for Jesus

You heard it here first.

[via Christian Nightmares] Read the rest

The Y2Gay Problem

A meditation on the problem of updating bureaucracies' databases that presently only support reciprocal "husband-wife" relationships, but not "husband-husband" or "wife-wife". Read the rest

We'd be okay with this remodel of The Dukes of Hazzard car

The General Lee loses its Confederate Flag, and the truth about Bo and Luke comes out. Read the rest

Guys. The White House changed its official social media icons to this.

Kind of a crazy day, right? Read the rest

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