Nokia's resurrected 3310 is the dumbphone du jour, but it has two key flaws. First, the 2G radio bands it uses are insecure and being shut down by many telcos, meaning it might not work in your region. Second, the base model doesn't have a bas-relief portrait of Russian premier Vladimir Putin on it.
Sadly, this feature is a $3,700 upgrade from Caviar, one of those design houses that supposedly has a classy European pedigree but is, in any case, now devoted entirely to making special editions of phones for drug lords. Many are Putin themed, but Trump is the hot new thing.