• Will Smith's slap and Angelina Jolie's feet in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    There's conflict in Ukraine and civil war in Afghanistan, Ethiopia, Syria and Yemen, and this week's 'National Enquirer' devotes its front page to "TV Anchors At War!"

    But bno, it's not about the TV anchors reporting from the borders of combat zones as if they're risking their lives. It's about the petty personal feuds behind the scenes: "Who hates who!"

    It's Tucker Carlson vs Geraldo Rivera. Keith Olberman vs Rachel Maddow. Don Lemon, Jake Tapper and CNN vs Chris Cuomo.

    It's tired, ancient news, and unenlightening.

    "Harry & Meghan Police Cover-Up! What Scotland Yard was Ordered to Hide."

    Unsurprisingly, not what it seems.

    Prince Harry and Meghan, suing the British government to pay for a protection detail when they visit the UK, asked a judge to seal the court documents – hardly a shocking move in a case involving privacy and personal protection.

    And of course the 'Enquirer' has no idea what Scotland Yard was ordered to hide – because it's under seal.

    That doesn't stop the 'Enquirer' raging: "Harry & Meghan Cover-Up Holds Queen For Ransom!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims that Harry's lawsuit details the cost to taxpayers for protecting other members of the royal family, which if revealed "could be highly embarrassing for Her Majesty."

    Yet Harry is the one asking a court to keep that information private.

    "Jada Spanks Bad Boy Will!"

    Will Smith's "temper has been an issue for years," claims an unnamed insider, who alleges that wife Jada Pinkett-Smith is demanding her slap-happy hubby "attend anger management sessions."

    Couldn't hurt.

    "Alec & Hilaria Shoot The Moon With Baby No.7"

    Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria are reportedly expecting a child, because he "sought solace in his wife's arms" after accidentally killing cinematographer Halyna Hutchins.

    "Goops!"

    Gwyneth Paltrow's "marriage is in crisis," according to unidentified insiders, who claim her focus on Goop business problems meant "her energy has not been on her marriage." Perhaps she needs to light up a vagina-scented candle and meditate for a day or two?

    'Globe'

    "Epstein Madam Secret plea Deal Exposed!" Proclaims the cover story. "Real reason Maxwell still isn't sentenced!"

    When you're wrong, you're wrong, and the 'Globe' is wonderfully wrong with its prediction that "her conviction will be squashed over a tainted jury claim".

    Wrong. The judge ruled that Maxwell's guilty verdict stands, despite a juror failing to reveal his own past sexual abuse.

    And by the way, convictions are quashed, not squashed.

    The story goes on to claim that "Maxwell has escaped spending the rest of her life behind bars by cutting a secret plea deal to turn state's evidence."

    She is allegedly "spilling her guts" about convicted billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein's playmates Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, and lawyer Alan Dershowitz.

    Except Ghislaine had no reason to say anything to prosecutors as long as she had hope that the judge might throw out her conviction.

    That judge's decision clearly came after the 'Globe' had gone to press. So there is no way that Maxwell could have been spilling her guts, or spilling the beans, or spilling anything while she was hoping for a retrial.

    "Will & Jada $400M Divorce Smackdown."

    It's to be expected: When the 'Enquirer' suggests that Jada Pinkett-Smith wants hubby Will to take anger management sessions, the 'Globe' goes a bridge too far and claims they'll be divorcing, just like they claim every celebrity couple is divorcing whenever there's a bump in the road.

    "Putin, 69, Dying of Cancer!"

    How do they know?

    The medically trained paranormal empaths specially employed by the 'Globe' note that Putin's face is looking "puffy" compared with 20 years ago, and that "in the past we have seen him smile, but in 2022 there are few pictures of him looking happy."

    As any medically trained expert can tell you, a failure to smile is an established indicator of Stage 4 cancer.

    "Queen Thinks Andy Is Dandy! Outrages Charles & William by giving sex creep key role at Philip memorial."

    The Queen's "shocking olive branch" to her favorite son as he walked her into Westminster Abbey for Prince Philip's memorial service allegedly "ripped the royal family apart."

    Strange. Who'd have thought that having an alleged rapist at your side could provoke such a fuss?

    "Health Scare Over Angie's Freaky Feet!"

    No, she doesn't have seven toes or a club foot. Angelina Jolie made the mistake of allowing herself to be photographed wearing sandals, and the medically trained experts at the 'Globe' conclude that her tootsies reveal "the alarmingly scary condition" that "she's developing osteoporosis and even diabetes!"

    Just imagine what these medical experts could do with a stethoscope and a thermometer.

    'People'

    "Heartbreaking News" declares the cover story. "Bruce's Battle & His Family's Love."

    Bruce Willis's extended family gathers around him after his aphasia diagnosis, in a tender story that he probably can't read for himself.

    Yet another Will Smith slap story: "Could Will Lose His Oscar?"

    Only if he leaves in in the back of an Uber. Yet another story proving Betteridge's law of headlines: If it ends in a question mark, then the answer is No.

    'Us Weekly'

    "William's Shock Confession – Why I'll Never Be King," declares the cover story.

    When you're wrong, you're wrong.

    Did 'Us Weekly 'snag an exclusive interview with Prince William?

    Of course not.

    Did he say he'll "never be king"?

    Not even according to the story inside the rag, which quotes unnamed insiders saying that William fears he may never be King "at least not in the conventional sense."

    Right. So maybe he'll be an unconventional King?

    'Us Weekly' claims William was "caught off guard" when the Queen recently announced that Camilla would eventually become Queen Consort once Charles ascends to the throne, because "it was widely believed the queen might pass over Charles" and give the crown to grandson William instead.

    No, it was never widely believed. It wasn't even believed by the tabloid reporters who kept flogging the same dead horse.

    The Settlement Act of 1701 mandates that the crown passes to the monarch's heir – in this case, Prince Charles – and the Queen has zero discretion in naming her successor. As long as he's alive, that's Charles. Get over it.

    "Fears Over Harry's Tell-All."

    Prince Harry is writing a memoir, and the contents have been kept strictly under wraps. Telling us nothing that we don't already know, an insider says: "Harry does talk about all of his family members in the book, but not all of it is negative. He actually even praises some royals, including the queen."

    If this alleged insider actually had any information about what Harry's memoir contains, it wouldn't be this bland bromide.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Anne Hathaway wore it best, that Melissa Rivers"ate chocolate Pop-Tarts for breakfast every day from high school until I was 23," and that the stars are just like us: they eat meals, buy groceries, and shop for plants. Who knew?

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    "OK!'

    Shalene Woodley and Aaron Rodgers are this week's cover couple, declaring: "We're Getting Married!"

    But are they really? They only broke up last month, and most sources (with the exception of TMZ) think it premature to talk of a reconciliation, let alone an engagement.

    'Life & Style'

    "Harry & Meghan's Separate Lives! 'It's Why She's In Hiding.'"

    Is Meghan in hiding? Or is she just keeping her life private?

    Allegedly the couple are "arguing over money – and the royal family" and Harry is "sleeping in the guesthouse."

    Thankfully, they are "staying strong for their kids."

    That's nice.

    It's astonishing how much information reporters can unearth about a couple who they claim never leave their home or talk to anyone.

    'InTouch'

    "Bruce Willis' Emotional Goodbye. Inside His heartbreaking Final Days."

    Apparently the rag believes he's dying – something that has gone unmentioned in all other reports – and is "giving his $250 million fortune away."

    Not so easy when you have aphasia. Good luck getting that past the lawyers.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Biden's "crimes" and "henpecked" Harry in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Joe Biden Criminal Cover-Up Exposed!" screams the cover story. "FBI protected president and crooked son Hunter!"

    It's the same old allegations of Hunter Biden's drug abuse and questionable foreign business deals that we've seen over the past 18 months, but now the 'Enquirer' claims that the FBI knew about Hunter's lost laptop computer in April 2019 and deliberately failed to investigate any of the alleged wrongdoing it contained.

    Yet the FBI has always said that it obtained the laptop in April 2019, and made no secret of this fact.

    When news of the lost laptop went public in October 2020, one month before the presidential election, the FBI claimed it was still trying to ascertain if it had been tampered with.

    This is tantamount to a cover-up according to Texas-based criminal defense lawyer Joe Gutheinz, whose specialty appears to be in hunting lost Moon rocks, which is good enough for the 'Enquirer' to consider him an expert in FBI forensic investigations.

    "Ben Blows Big Dough To Keep J.Lo Happy!"

    The 'Enquirer' objects to Ben Affleck paying for "private jets to Spain and St Tropez, five-star hotels and designer shopping extravaganzas" as he enjoys life and love with Jennifer Lopez.

    Presumably the magazine would like to see the lovebirds flying coach on JetBlue, staying at Holiday Inns, and shopping at Target.

    "Fantastic Beast! Stressed Johnny Depp packing on the pounds."

    The 'Enquirer' proves it's a gender-blind equal-opportunity body-shamer.

    "Miley's Brush With Death! Fears plane trauma may spark self-destruction."

    Miley Cyrus' plane was struck by lightning during a storm and made an emergency landing. The 'Enquirer' conjures up unnamed "friends" who are allegedly "terrified the close encounter will drive the singer back to her hard-partying ways!"

    Right. Because the slightest turbulence could drive her off the rails.

    "Proof Harry's Under Meghan's Thumb!"

    A year late and a dollar short, the 'Enquirer' rolls out a "body language expert" to analyse the royal couple's posture while being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey on TV in March 2021.

    Meghan is seen resting her hand on his, suggesting that she is "in control," while Harry drapes a hand between his legs, in a "self-protective posture."

    The 'Enquirer' concludes: "Shocking photos: Henpecked Harry Has No Chance!" Or could it simply be that seasoned actress Meghan is more comfortable before TV cameras, and that their gestures offer no useful indication of their marital relations?

    "William & Kate Hit Trouble In Paradise!

    "Incredibly, the duchess was royally snubbed by a former beauty queen turned politician".

    Incredibly? Which part of this is incredible? That Duchess Kate was snubbed? That she was snubbed by a former beauty queen – almost royalty herself? Or because they beauty queen became a Jamaican member of parliament?

    Or was it incredible because the alleged "snub" appears to have been imputed from two seconds of video taken out of context, when Jamaican politician Lisa Hanna momentarily turned away from Kate, having spent the rest of her time with the Duchess politely engaged and welcoming?

    'Globe'

    It's like a vintage cat-fight episode of 'Dynasty' in this week's cover story: "Michelle vs Hillary. Brutal Brawl Explodes!"

    The two former First Ladies were caught rolling on the ground clawing at each other's hair, tearing at their clothes and spitting obscenities.

    As if.

    There's no brutal brawl, no "backstabbing," "insults" or "blind ambition" as alleged.

    The 'Globe' claims that the White House ambitions of Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton, both supposedly vying to become President, have reignited their "festering feud."

    The rag then claims the two women are "waging a furious Cold War" which by definition would preclude a brutal brawl.

    "Jealous Hillary" allegedly also covets Michelle's media success in Hollywood. – as if it's a zero sum game and that if Michelle's Hollywood deals are fruitful, then Hillary is doomed to failure.

    "Nip/Tuck Doc Lifts Veil On A-List Secrecy."

    Dr Ashkan Ghavami, who the 'Globe' dubiously dubs "the self-proclaimed plastic surgeon to the stars," reveals that his staff sign non-disclosure agreements, and that celebrities use "private doors" so that other patients won't see them.

    Wow. That's really lifting the lid off the secrets of Hollywood's cosmetic surgery obsession.

    Dr Ghavami forgot to mention that for the past two years everyone entering a plastic surgeon's office has been barely recognisable behind a mask anyway.

    "Ex-King Edward Exposed As Nazi Spy!"

    It's been widely reported for years that Edward VIII, later the Duke of Windsor after his abdication, was a Nazi sympathizer. Inspecting French troops in 1940 he wrote to a friend about their poor military preparations – letters that were then passed to the Nazis.

    Does this make Edward a spy, or simply naive? The Third Reich certainly had enough real spies and informants telling them that the French Army was in poor shape, making Edward's analysis of limited value.

    Did Edward believe that Hitler would restore him to the British throne as a puppet monarch, as the 'Globe' reports that a new book and documentary claim? It's possible. Never under-estimate the self-destructive abilities of a member of the British royal family.

    'People'

    "Will, Jada & Chris – Shock at the Oscars" dominates the cover.

    The slap, the speech, and everything you've already heard about the incident, repeated without insight.

    "A Night to Make History!"

    'People' mag devotes two short sentences to Ariana DeBose's win as the first openly queer woman of colour, then dives into five pages of Oscar fashions, presumably because that's how women really make history at the awards show. Plus two pages of Oscar attendees sporting fabulous jewels they borrowed for the night, and two pages of men's Oscar fashions. That's bringing history to life!

    "Will & Kate's Last Caribbean Tour? Questions About the Past & The Future."

    After a rocky reception during their three-nation Caribbean tour, Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge may be thinking twice about booking a Sandals vacation in Jamaica any time soon.

    William is reportedly "thinking about the future." As if there will be a future for the Royals in the West Indies.

    "A Daughter's Desperate Search." Ellie Green's mother disappeared from their Kansas home three years ago, and "it's a mystery she's determined to solve."

    If Ellie Green wasn't a beautiful blonde white 21-year-old woman, would 'People' mag even be running this story?

    'Us Weekly'

    It's the cover story every publication wanted: "Will Smith's Oscar Meltdown – "My Side of the Story. It wasn't staged, it was payback."

    The first sit-down talk with Will Smith after the slap heard around the world . . . and it's not in 'Us Weekly.'

    Naturally, the rag hasn't spoken with the actor, which instead quotes dubious unnamed "insiders" and puts the words in Smith's mouth anyway. Alert the Pulitzer committee.

    "William & Kate's Tour de Force."

    Their Caribbean trip mixed "business with pleasure" as they danced with locals, played drums and scuba dived.

    Oh yes, buried deep in the story is passing mention of "some political friction" but the rag insists the royal duo "enjoyed themselves immensely." The way one does when being repeatedly told to go home and pay restitution for your ancestors' enslavement of abducted Africans forced to labor in sugar plantations.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'OK!'

    "Screen Queens Tell All – How We've Changed. Secrets, Scandals & Sacrifices."

    This cover story promises to reveal Lori Loughlin's "divorce talks," Jennifer Aniston's "serial dating," and Demi Moore's "in love at 60!"

    But is it really a tell-all when none of the trio speaks to the mag?

    'Life & Style'

    Kelly Clarkson reveals: "How I Survived the Divorce From Hell!"

    No doubt by drawing inspirations from the tabloids.

    'In Touch'

    "3 Shocking Tell-Alls – Destroying the Kardashians"

    The cover story features photos of Kim and Khloe Kardashian with momager Kris Jenner – but they're not the ones telling all, apparently.

    It's Kim's ex Kanye West, Kris's ex Caitlyn Jenner and Khloe's ex Tristan Thompson who allegedly "expose 'disgusting' secrets."

    Inspirational journalism at its best.

  • Celebrity blow-up sex dolls and Wayne Newton's face "melting" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Which famous actor sleeps with blow-up sex dolls?

    Who's is the macho superstar caught giving oral sex to another man?

    Which leading TV actress was gay, who are the married actresses with lovers on the side, and can you name the major male movie producer who routinely wore a bra?

    Don't expect to find the answers in this week's 'Enquirer' cover story: "Celebrity Fixer Breaks Silence! Hollywood A-Listers Panic as Dark Secrets Are Exposed!"

    The time to panic may yet come, but no secrets, dark or light, have yet been revealed.

    Behind these lubricious allegations lies former private investigator to the stars Anthony Pellicano who reportedly claims to be telling all in a memoir that may or may not have yet been written.

    Pellicano, whose former clients included Sylvester Stallone, Michael Jackson, Pamela Anderson, Roseanne Barr and Steven Seagal, presumably knows where some skeletons are buried, but he's not rattling their bones yet.

    Pellicano reportedly teases that his book will expose the identity of all those mystery Hollywood heavyweights indulging in their own private sex lives behind closed doors – but contrary to the headline, he has not yet broken his silence or exposed any dark secrets.

    Pellicano spent 17 years behind bars for racketeering, wiretapping and bribery, so he seems like a reliable source whose word can be trusted.

    "Bob Saget Didn't Have to Die!"

    Apparently if he'd only had someone in his hotel room who could have called an ambulance, he'd still be alive today.

    The moral of the story is: never sleep alone in a hotel room.

    "UFOs Menace America!"

    According to the 'Enquirer' "UFOs Swarm America!" and there have been "550 eyewitness reports since January". What are the odds that they're all 'Enquirer' readers?

    Yet there is no evidence that any of these sightings, most of which are bright lights in the sky, are of extraterrestrial origin.

    Naturally, the 'Enquirer' claims "the government is covering up the terrifying truth."

    The rag reports that "UFOs are closely monitoring America". But if the UFOs are really aliens, is it truly menacing that they're just watching us? Wouldn't it be more menacing if they locked us all alone in hotel rooms?

    The favorite tabloid sport of body shaming continues, with Lady Gaga accused of pumping her face with "fillers and injectables" – "Gaga's Face: It's Larger Than Life!" – while Janet Jackson is photographed in a baggy coat and accused of gaining 80 pounds – "Nasty! Giant Janet Expands Her Base."

    Naturally, no medical experts who treated either singer were involved in either story.

    "Why Harry & Meghan Are Flying The Coop!"

    The renegade royals are reportedly selling their Montetico home in California because of a high property tax bill, and the overpowering stench of bird poop from a nearby refuge, coupled with odor from a nearby marijuana farm.

    "Is Tucker Vlad's Twisted TV Toy?"

    Do they have to ask? Tucker Carlson's fawning support of Russian president Vladimir Putin comes under the rag's insightful geopolitical scrutiny.

    "Fraud Probe Over Epstein's Lost Loot"

    Billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's fortune was valued at around $656 million when he died in 2019, but executors claim the estate is now worth only $166 million, after paying out some $325 million to victims and for taxes. What happened to the missing money?

    It's an intriguing question, but despite the 'Enquirer' story, there is no probe into Epstein's estate.

    'Globe'

    The Royal soap opera continues: "Cruel Harry Insults Dying Queen, 95!"

    Prince Harry "publicly humiliates own grandmother" by travelling from his California home to Holland to attend the Invictus Games, which he founded and heads, without stopping in England to visit with HRH, the 'Globe' claims.

    Harry finds himself committed to attend the Games because the first major show under his reported $100 million Netflix deal is to produce a series following the journey of several wounded warriors to the Invictus Games, with Harry as our host and guide.

    And there's nothing to stop Harry popping in on granny once the Games are done.

    "Putin Stashes Baby Mom In Swiss Haven!"

    Vladimir Putin's reputed lover, former Russian rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, branded by the 'Globe' as an "X-rated pin-up queen mistress" and their "four love children" are reportedly holed up in a luxury Swiss chalet while the war with Ukraine rages.

    Where would they rather she was living? In a trailer park in Bakersfield?

    "Epstein Madam's Assassin Terror."

    The 'Globe' tells readers, yet again, that Jeffrey Epstein's right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell has long feared she was a target, reportedly keeping "a hand grenade on her desk" – highly unsuitable for close-range protection, when a gun would do the job better and with less collateral damage – "and was fearful of delivery men," which seems reasonable if like Maxwell you're living in a secluded home in the woods and a stranger comes knocking at your door.

    "Wayne Newton's Face Is Melting!"

    No, he's not the Wicked Witch of the West, and no, the singer's face is not melting.

    Newton has allegedly undergone what the 'Globe' considers to be more than the acceptable amount of cosmetic surgery, and must be duly chastised for this transgression.

    He allegedly looks "like his face is thawing and dripping to the floor," says an unidentified source who apparently is neither a doctor nor a cosmetic surgeon, but is an expert in the deliquescence of human flesh.

    'People'

    And the Royal soap opera continues . . . "William and Kate – Royal Tour Controversy."

    Facing protests in the Caribbean, where the royal couple have been blamed for the past evils of colonialism and called to make reparations for slavery, the duo "calmly carry on."

    Sandra Bullock, promoting her new movie 'The Lost City,' is the subject of "Sandra's Big Move – Why She's Stepping Away From Acting."

    Apparently for the same reason that Cameron Diaz hit the cover of 'Us Weekly' last week: to spend more time with her family.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Julia Roberts' 20-Year Marriage – Breaking Point?"

    Rumors of Roberts' divorce from her cinematographer husband Danny Moder have circulated for at least five years, becoming an annual cover story in the tabloids that repeatedly predict an imminent $250 million divorce that so far has failed to materialise. This time the rumours "just WON'T go away" says 'Us Weekly,' claiming that the duo are practically living separate lives.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Celine Dion wore it best, that Mira Sorvino dislikes "cruelty, prejudice and shallowness" (who'd have suspected it?), and that the stars are just like us: they shop at flea markets, eat solo, and bargain hunt at 99 Cents Only stores. Because they're cheapskates, like us?

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'Ok!'

    Brad Pitt's daughter Shiloh allegedly proclaims: "My Dad Is Not A Monster."

    The rag picks through court documents from Pitt's divorce from Angelina Jolie, but good luck finding Shiloh's quote among the paperwork.

    'Life & Style'

    "Twins For Kate at 40!"

    Sure. Just like the 'Globe' reported that Duchess Kate was having twins back in July 2016. Whatever happened to them?

    'In Touch'

    "Prince Harry's Secret Double Life! Why he disappeared 6 times in 12 months! Meets up with 22-year-old bombshell! Meghan's devastating ultimatum."

    Harry can't "disappear" when he's one of the world's most recognisable and paparazzi-pursued personalities.

    Meeting people is part of his brand: he needs to be seen to promote himself.

    And since when was "meeting" someone, regardless of their explosive looks and relative youth, considered bad form? An affair, yes. But meeting someone?

    As for Meghan's ultimatum?

    Let's not forget that according to 'In Touch' magazine she's been dealing with this for years. Remember their cover story in December 2020: "Harry & Meghan Divorce Rumours! 10 Signs Marriage Is Cracking!"

    This is the same magazine that was threatened with legal action by Prince William's attorneys for suggesting that he was having an affair in 2019.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Harry and Meghan "over" and Ukraine "despairs" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    The world's long dark midnight of the soul has ended, as the conflict that had us all mesmerised – no, not Russia's attack on Ukraine – has finally come to a close.

    "Harry & Meghan – It's Over!" screams the cover of the 'National Enquirer' " New court papers bare bitter bust-up!"

    But like Vladimir Putin's claim that there's no war in Ukraine, only a "special military operation," so this 'Enquirer' headline couldn't be more misleading if it tried. And it's certainly trying very hard.

    Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan's marriage is not "over," or anywhere near it, at least if the facts in evidence have anything to do with it. The "bitter bust-up" revealed in court papers refers to the defamation lawsuit filed by Meghan's estranged half-sister Samantha Markle, in which Samantha claims that Meghan lied about having little contact with her half-siblings growing up, and endured financial hardships as a child.

    Meghan's lawyers have dismissed the claim, but the 'Enquirer' alleges that Harry is leaving Meghan as a result of their marriage being "torn apart by ugly lies and vicious family feud!"

    The duo still appear to be happily united, but the 'Enquirer' insists: "He's going home to Britain and she's keeping the kids!"

    Right – if they mean that Harry may take a few days off to visit the Royal Family in the UK, while Meghan stays home to care for non-royal spawn Archie and Lilibet. But of course, the 'Enquirer' views such a brief separation as the start of something more permanent.

    An unnamed royal insider allegedly told the 'Enquirer': "Meghan has carefully crafted this victim narrative where Harry can feel like the hero who saved her."

    But that's errant nonsense. Meghan, if she ever needed rescuing, clearly saved herself long before meeting Harry, by emerging from a broken home and constrained finances to forge her own acting career and find modest celebrity on TV series 'Suits.' It's only the 'Enquirer' that perpetuates the myth that Harry "saved" Meghan, whereas the reality might be that it was she who saved him from obscurity and obsoleccence within the Royal Family.

    'Raging Billfold. Lonely sugar daddy De Niro throws money at new honey."

    Movie legend Robert De Niro is criticised by the 'Enquirer' for spending money on his new girlfriend, Tiffany Chen. What's he supposed to do? Make her pay for her meals and split the bill when he gives her gifts?

    "Miley Twerks Her Butt Off!"

    Is that physically possible?

    Singer Miley Cyrus allegedly "fears her flabby rear may leave her younger beau feeling flat" and "wants a Brazilian butt lift," whatever that is, to boost "her droopy derriere."

    The 'Enquirer' helpfully displays a photo of the posterior in question, clad only in a dental floss thong bikini bottom, looking neither flat nor flabby. But who are you going to believe: the cosmetic surgeons quoted by the 'Enquirer' who have never treated Cyrus, or the evidence of your own eyes?

    "Brad Beefs Up On High-End Pigouts."

    After quitting booze last year Brad Pitt is "pigging out on cheese, olives and gourmet foods!" claims the 'Enquirer.' Oh, the humanity.

    "Hollywood's Most Hated TV Stars."

    Four pages of unmitigated vitriol aimed at Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Pat Sajak, Dr Phil, Tucker Carlson (perhaps deservedly), Ellen Pompeo, Chris Cuomo, Mark Harmon and Savannah Guthrie. Investigative journalism at its best.

    "Ukraine: Defiance & Despair!"

    One week it's the start of World War III, the next it's a story demoted to the back of the book. But of course what's happening half-way across the world is only important to 'Enquirer' readers if it affects the US of A, so the grammatically-challenged rag reports: "Heroic Americans put lives on line to drive out invaders."

    'Globe'

    At least one of the tabloids has its priorities straight, as the 'Globe' cover story proclaims: "Ukraine War In Photos!"

    Ooohh, photos! We've never seen those before.

    Naturally, the 'Globe' treats the war in Ukraine like a pulp fiction novel: "Bloody combat. Russia's crimes. Refugee horror. Gripping Special Report!"

    And of course, there's the mandatory teaser: "What Putin doesn't want YOU to see!"

    Actually, it's Russian citizens who Putin doesn't want seeing images of Russian soldiers killed and tanks destroyed, and victims of apparent war crimes.

    But the rag pats itself on the back: "Globe is proud to bring you the pictures Putin tried – and failed – to suppress!"

    How exactly did Putin try to suppress photos appearing in an American tabloid? Did he threaten to cancel his subscription?

    "Sally Field, 75, Prowling For A Man!"

    Can we expect to see the Oscar-winner roaming the streets of Hollywood with a large net? She's apparently poised to film a movie with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, so in a bizarre non sequitur an unnamed insider claims "she still believes in marriage and wouldn't be averse to giving it another try".

    But that's not exactly the same as being "on the prowl!"

    "Kanye Is Dangerous!"

    To himself, maybe.

    "Shrink insists kidnap video proves rapper needs HELP!"

    That's according to a forensic psychiatrist who has never treated Kanye West, analysing the singer's claymation video targeting his ex-wife Kim Kardashian's new beau Pete Davidson. Because analysing animated shorts is now an accepted diagnostic tool under American Medical Association guidelines.

    "Prince Andrew On FBI Hot Seat!"

    This story is no more true that it was two years ago when the FBI hoped to interview the reluctant Royal.

    Andrew has paid off his sex abuse accuser Virginia Giuffre, but the FBI still wants to interview him about what he knows of his former friend, billionaire pedophile sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. Andrew is still declining to sit down for talks with the FBI, so he's no closer to a "hot seat" than before.

    'People'

    "How My Wife Saved My Life" declares the cover story.

    Samuel L. Jackson tells how his marriage to Broadway actress La Tanya Richardson Jackson helped save him from "harrowing addiction" and helped him "become the man I am meant to be."

    'People' mag's Photoshop editors worked overtime on the implausibly flawless smooth and unlined skins of this 73-year-old husband and his 72-year-old wife.

    The secret to their successful marriage?

    "A lot of compromise and a hell of a lot of amnesia," says LaTanya.

    "What the Queen is Really Like."

    A new biography by Robert Hardman, titled Queen of Our Times, reveals: "She really enjoys what she does."

    Well, at 95 it might be a little late for a career change now.

    Apparently HRH is "upbeat and positive" with a "sense of humorr."

    The book reveals how the Queen chose "stillness" amid the mayhem of Princess Diana's death, never lost her cool during 1992's "annus horribilis," privately struggled with the divorces of her children Charles, Andrew and Anne, and wants to be buried near her parents.

    At least she has something to look forward to.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Why Cameron Diaz Disappeared," offers the cover story.

    Apparently "quitting Hollywood saved her life – and her marriage – after heartbreaks, setbacks & botched Botox."

    But would she have died if Diaz had kept working in Hollywood? That's definitely the inference.

    Thankfully now she's become a wife and mother, Diaz is certain to live forever. Right.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'us Weekly' to tell us that Katie Hoklmes wore it best, that Miranda Cosgrove ("I can't leave the house without Kind bars"), and that the stars are just like us: they shop at farmers' markets, feed parking meters, and go on coffee runs. Life-affirming news, as always.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    "Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas – It's Over! After 21 Years – $500M At Stake."

    This story has been written so many times over the years, and it's not been right yet. One day perhaps it might be correct. But is this that day . . ?

    'Life & Style'

    "Summer Weddings – The Rings, The Dresses & The Prenups!"

    Pure romance for the stars soon to walk down the aisle, including Katy Perry and Britney Spears.

    'In Touch'

    "Brad & Jen – Living Together In Paris for 6 Months!"

    This "world exclusive" claims the once-married and long-divorced duo are staying in a "$25,000-a-night penthouse!"

    Hasn't Jennifer Aniston heard that Brad Pitt is pigging out on cheese and olives? Perhaps he can carve up some Camembert and Brie while he's in Paris?

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Occam's razor and the world's biggest breasts in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Occam's razor posits that the simplest explanation is often the best, but the way the tabloid editors employ this blade they should all have bushy beards of Biblical proportions.

    "Who's Killing Epstein Witnesses?" demands the 'Enquirer' front cover.

    Billionaire pedophile sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein was hanged in his jail cell, an apparent suicide. Now his pal Jean-Luc Brunel has been found hanged in a French jail cell, yet another suicide. And Steve Bing jumped to his death from his 27th floor condo in Los Angeles and left a suicide note, though the 'Enquirer' nonetheless claims he was "pushed off building!"

    All were victims of murder, claims the 'Enquirer,' which now asks: "Ghislaine Maxwell – Is She Next?"

    As if to answer the headline's question as to who is responsible for these clandestine killings, the 'Enquirer' displays headshots of Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, claiming a "Chilling conspiracy to protect world's most powerful men."

    Expect arrests soon.

    (more…)
  • Queen "skin & bones" and Michelle Obama "running for President" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Britain's favorite soap opera never fails to entertain the tabloids, and the 'Enquirer' devotes this week's cover to the latest action-packed episode: "Queen Abandons Sex Creep Andrew! Refuses to pay his legal settlement! Takes royal lodge & leaves him homeless! Charles & William ignore pleas for help!"

    This might be a good time for the 'Enquirer' to offer Andrew $1,000 for an interview – it sounds like he needs the money.

    Of course, these 'Enquirer' claims go against multiple reports that, far from being abandoned by his mother the Queen, Andrew's settlement was largely financed by Her Majesty, that he has been making welcome visits to the Queen at Windsor Castle in the evenings, and by all accounts is still very much at home at Royal Lodge in Windsor Great Park.

    Perhaps the 'Enquirer' is unaware that Andrew signed a 75-year lease on Royal Lodge in 2003, so they shouldn't expect to see him living in a tent under a motorway overpass any time soon.

    "Queen, 95, Paralysed By Pain!" declares another 'Enquirer' yarn. "Skin & bones monarch admits 'I can't move.'"

    Well, the Queen only has herself to blame for this story, having told visitors to a recent meeting at Windsor Castle that she was immobilised.

    Yet photos clearly show that she was standing on her own two feet, albeit with the support of a black cane, and wasn't in or anywhere near a wheelchair. Far from being "paralysed," she was simply telling her guests that it would be easier for them to approach her, rather than to make her walk across a room at the age of 95.

    Naturally, an unidentified "royal insider" tells the 'Enquirer': "She faces some of the darkest days of her life." Because living through WWII, the German blitz bombing of London, and the death of her husband were not dark enough?

    "Hello? Adele Needs Help!"

    Apparently the singer's "unhinged behavior has convinced pals an intervention is the only way to stop her downward spiral!"

    Adele had the temerity to have fun indulging in a mock pole dance at a London club – almost fully clothed – and also announced in a British TV interview that she wants to have a baby. Oh, the horror. How unhinged can anyone get?

    This somehow has prompted a deeply panicked unnamed "insider" to say: "Adele is out of control." So is this story.

    "Matt & Gordon Chew The Fat!"

    Blatant fat-shaming for former 'Friends' star Matt LeBlanc and celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay, who the 'Enquirer' claims "have become Hollywood heavyweights" after gaining a few pounds. They evidently made the unforgivable mistake of meeting and "hanging out in Los Angeles last month."

    Don't they know there are rules against people with greater than 5 per cent body fat gathering in public in Hollywood?

    "Snowflake Tucker's $250k Beauty Regimen!"

    You know the rag's love affair with Fox News is over when they brand Tucker Carlson a "snowflake" and claim that "he primps like a woke metrosexual." As if there's anything wrong with that.

    "Bob Saget Cover-Up: Was Comic Murdered?"

    Yet another example of Betteridge's law of headlines: if it ends with a question mark, the answer is always No.

    Comedy star Bob Saget's death was unquestionably mysterious: he was found dead in bed in his Florida hotel room, with a fractured skull consistent with being hit by a baseball bat or a 20-foot fall. But his injuries were also consistent with falling against the marble counter-tops in his hotel bedroom, or falling hard on the marble bathroom floor.

    Saget's body was found in bed, with his hotel room door locked from the inside, so that hotel staff had to cut through the metal security latch on his door before getting in. Which also means that no killer could realistically have been inside his 9th floor room and then escaped after locking Saget inside. Unless the killer was Tom Cruise's 'Mission:Impossible' super spy Ethan Hunt. Mysterious, yes, but there's a reason the police don't believe there was foul play. Or maybe detectives should be checking on Cruise's whereabouts that night?

    'Globe'

    America's former First Lady Mrs. Obama is the subject of this week's cover story: "Michelle Running For Prez! It's Official!"

    The 'Globe' clearly doesn't understand what the word "Official" means.

    "Michelle Giving Joe The Heave-Ho!" declares the headline across two pages inside. "She's already begun recruiting an army of 100,000 volunteers." That's a huge army to hide in plain sight, and yet she's done a remarkable job of covering them up, since nobody's seen any of this army yet.

    "Randy Andy Admits Defeat! Why prince agreed to pay teen who accused him of rape."

    The "sleazeball prince" reached an out-of-court settlement with rape accuser Virginia Giuffre allegedly "because he feared exposing his darkest deeds in a sworn court testimony," according to unnamed sources.

    What dark deeds? The 'Globe' hasn't a clue, and doesn't say, leaving readers to speculate the worst – does Prince Andrew makes shadow animal figures with his hands in darkened rooms? Creepy.

    'People'

    The rag offers readers two alternate cover stories this week, inviting dedicated collectors of first edition magazines to buy both copies.

    "The Queen's Private Pain" dominates one of the front pages.

    But it's hardly private when she's telling visitors that she's in physical discomfort, has been diagnosed with Covid-19, and when the world knows that she's not exactly happy about her sons: Prince Andrew forced to pay off his rape accuser (reportedly with the help of the Queen's cash) and Prince Charles poised to be questioned by police in the ongoing honors-for-cash scandal. Let's be honest: If it's on the front page of 'People' magazine, it's not private.

    "The Killer Next Door" declares the alternate cover on newsstands, though it appears to be a rather general headline, since the elderly couple who live next door to me wouldn't hurt a fly (though I wouldn't be so sure about their driving after dark.)

    The "killer next door" is suburban mom Pamela Hupp from Missouri, charged with murdering her best friend. Isn't it intriguing how 'People' mag became interested in this case after Renée Zellweger decided to play Hupp in a six-part NBC TV mini-series?

    "Bob Saget's Mysterious Death – What Really Happened."

    Yes, his death was mysterious, but what really happened? The magazine hasn't the faintest idea. That's why it's a mystery.

    'Us Weekly'

    A genuine mystery takes center stage on this week's cover: the unlikely romance between two celebrities who seem to have emerged from different planetary systems: "Kim Kardashian, 41, & Pete Davidson, 28 – How We Fell In Love!"

    It's yet another 'Us Weekly' story where neither of the stars actually speaks with the magazine, which instead relies on unnamed "insiders" to speak for the couple.

    So how did they fall in love?

    "No frills, no pressure, & silencing the haters." They reportedly enjoy quiet nights at home together, talk for hours about family, politics, hobbies and travel, and respect each other's work demands. Right. So romantic.

    "Queen Elizabeth – Fight of Her Life." She has Covid, and seems otherwise fine apart from some mobility issues. She's 95 years old – give her a break.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Miranda Kerr wore it best, that if Molly Sims could only eat one food for the rest of her life "it would be brownies," and that the stars are just like us: they work out while photographers watch them, they go jogging while photographers watch them, and they grab a cup of tea while photographers watch them. Just like us.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    Everyone else seems to think that Prince Harry and Meghan are living their dream life, but 'OK!' magazine sees only disaster looming, with its cover story: "Meghan & Harry – Is It Divorce? Falling Apart After 2 Years."

    The rag promises to reveal "Tears, therapy & what went wrong."

    'Life & Style'

    "Stars' Secret Diet Tips That Work" dominates the front cover. The best diet tip not included in the issue? Get yourself a great Photoshop expert to doctor your photos.

    'In Touch'

    Yet another royal drama in a week overflowing with them: "Kate & William's Family Crisis – Prince George, 8, Bullied By Classmates!' 'Heated' meeting with teachers & parents." The royal couple are reportedly "pulling George from $50,000-a-year school."

    George certainly experienced some cyber-bullying online last year, and was wickedly parodied in HBO's animated satire 'The Prince,' but there has been no suggestion of bullying by his classmates.

    Rather, William and Kate have been seen visiting schools in the Windsor area, fueling speculation that they might be planning a move from their current London home in Kensington Palace, to be closer to the Queen at Windsor Castle.

    Then again, it wouldn't be entirely surprising if Prince George was secretly being tormented, since it's pretty much an established tradition to have members of the British royal family mercilessly bullied at school, as anyone who watches that historical document known as 'The Crown' will know.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Prince Andrew's "sex tape" and Queen Camilla's "revenge" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Kamala Harris may have her detractors, but in the eyes of the 'National Enquirer' she's #1 in at least one questionable category: "Rated Worst Veep in Modern History!"

    The cover story brands her "Washington's Queen of Mean!" as she has accumulated enemies along her road to the White House.

    Presumably she's the worst Vice President in a history that doesn't include shoot-them-in-the-face Dick Cheney or thick-as-a-brick Dan Quayle, waste-of-space Mike Pence or tricky Richard Nixon.

    Harris certainly has a PR issue, having failed to adequately promote her numerous achievements, but the 'Enquirer' claims: "Everyone hates Veep Kamala's guts!"

    At least she's not being compared with Vice Presidents John C Calhoun or John C Breckinridge.

    "Andrew's Bombshell Sex Tape!"

    We've heard this dubious claim about Prince Andrew before, of course. A former employee of convicted billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's claimed that she walked in on him and Ghislaine Maxwell watching a video of Andrew with a topless girl, British national newspaper the Sun reported in July 2020.

    London's Daily Mirror reported in January 2015 that cameras were hidden in the walls around Epstein's New York mansion, and sex tapes were likely to have captured Epstein's friends in flagrante delicto.

    Here we are again, with the 'Enquirer' citing self-professed "former jewel thief William Steel" – a reliable source if there ever was one – claiming that Epstein showed him Andrew's sex tape featuring a "very young" girl.

    Coincidentally, Steel has penned a book: 'Ghislaine: Sensational and Impure.' Impure? Is that the best word of condemnation he could come up with for the convicted sex trafficker, or has he lost his Thesaurus?

    "Queen Camilla Is Coming For Harry!"

    The tabloids all seem to think that Camilla is already Queen. Camilla is allegedly set to "retaliate" after Harry and Meghan have demeaned and threatened her husband, Prince Charles. "The Sussexes know their fate is sealed," says an unnamed insider, making Camilla sound like the Terminator ready to hunt down Harry and Meghan until the end of all time.

    "Kanye Too Cracked To See His Own Kids! Kim fears he's off his meds & off his rocker."

    That never stopped him from seeing his kids in the past – why now?

    "Adele's Smother Love Sends Beau Howling!"

    The "clinging" singer allegedly can't bear to be apart from sports agent boyfriend Rich Paul, who is reportedly growing anxious and wants some "time apart." This is the sort of imminent-break-up report that usually precedes an engagement announcement,.

    'Globe'

    "New Queen Camilla's Vicious Revenge!" screams the cover story.

    Do they really think that Camilla is Queen already? Or, more likely, do they just not care about the facts?

    The 'Globe' seems to think that Camilla has turned into the Queen of Hearts, with its headline across a two-page spread: "Off With Their Heads!" Right. Executions all round for anyone who has uttered a bad word about Charles or Camilla.

    "Charles' cruel wife leaves Kate in tears!" claims the rag, putting the case that the Duchess of Cambridge is her first victim.

    Camilla's apparently already taken action as Queen: "Takes away royal jewels! Slashes cash allowances! Imposes humiliating rules!" This all despite the fact that Queen Elizabeth is still alive and (gently) kicking, that Prince Charles has yet to become King, and that when he does eventually take the throne that Camilla will be Queen Consort in name only, with no executive powers, other than her influence over her husband.

    "Kanye West Is A General Pain!"

    This is news?

    "Hunter Sweats Bullets Over Ex's Tell-All!"

    Hunter Biden's own memoir, 'Beautiful Things,' published last September, confessed to his crack addiction, his alcoholism, his affair with his sister-in-law, having guns shoved in his face, and his mother's car-crash death. We've all seen the legal filing by his ex-wife Kathleen Buhle claiming he spent money on prostitutes and strip clubs.

    What can Buhle possibly say now in her alleged "tell-all book" that Hunter hasn't already said about himself?

    "Angelina Arthritis Nightmare. – Hands are becoming scary claws."

    Maybe Angelina Jolie is suffering from arthritis; maybe she isn't. But the photo of her "scary claw" just looks like an ordinary, healthy hand, perhaps a little weathered with age, but hardly something escaped from a Hammer House of Horror movie.

    "Coroner Proves Two Shooters Murdered JFK!"

    When did coroner Dr Cyril Wecht prove that "accused gunman Lee Harvey Oswald didn't act alone!"?

    The claim is made in "an explosive new book," reports the 'Globe.'

    But if you keep reading the story, you discover that Dr Wecht first made this claim more than 43 years ago, in 1978. This is what qualifies as "news" in the 'Globe.' And even back then, Hecht didn't have any "proof," but only conjecture that two gunmen had to have Killed JFK.

    "Do Ya Think It's Scary? Docs say Rod Stewart is riddled with cancer."

    Doctors who have never treated Rod Stewart have been shown a photo of the rocker's face, and conclude that it "shows evidence of skin cancer and radiation scarring." Most doctors who see questionable markings on the skin will request a biopsy, but the 'Globe' medical experts don't need to waste their time with such niceties.

    "That's definitely a skin cancer," says New York internist Dr Stuart Fischer, after examining a photo. Can't argue with medical science.

    'People'

    Former supermodel Linda Evangelista is this week's cover girl, beneath the headline: "My Cosmetic Procedure Nightmare."

    She displays graphic photos of the hardened lumps that have erupted on her neck, thigh and upper torso as a result of cryogenic fat-freezing gone horribly wrong. We've known for some time about her lawsuit against body-contouring therapy CoolSculpting, but these photos make it clear she's not exaggerating when Evangelista claims to have been "brutally disfigured."

    But perhaps she goes too far when she adds: "They said I was unrecognizible, and I didn't disagree." Her figure certainly appears to have become mis-shapen, but there's no mistaking the unique face that graced the cover of 'Vogue' and a thousand fashion runways across the globe.

    "I Survived A Serial Killer – One Woman's Terrifying Ordeal."

    Kara Robinson was 15 when abducted and raped by a killer who had already murdered three girls. She managed to escape and led police to the predator, who killed himself. Now aged 35, she shares her experience with students, assault victims and law enforcement, in the hope of saving future lives.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Prince William on Turning 40," declares the cover story. "Feuds, Family & Making Diana Proud."

    William sits down for an exclusive interview with 'Us Weekly,' opening his heart to the tabloid.

    As if.

    The rag, which has never spoken with the Prince, nonetheless explains: "Why he will never forgive Harry . . . His affair scandal & promise to Kate . . . What he really thinks about Camilla."

    But what's really going on here?

    The article doesn't actually say he'll never forgive Harry; only that "he has yet to forgive his brother."

    On his alleged "affair" with Rose Hanbury: "William emphatically denied those rumours," and supposedly has vowed "that he'd never stray."

    As for Camilla: "William greatly admires Camilla's work ethic and overall dedication to the monarchy." Right. He's probably completely forgiven Camilla for destroying his mother's marriage with an illicit affair.

    "Taylor & Joe – Finally Engaged!"

    It's still being speculated elsewhere, but 'Us Weekly' isn't hedging its bets, definitively stating that Joe Alwyn has put a ring on Taylor Swift's finger. Time will tell.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Cara Delevigne wore it best, that 'Dancing With The Stars' winner and NBA star Iman Shumpert loves Honey Nut Cheerios, tacos, ginger beer and 'Johnny Bravo' cartoons, and that the stars are just like us: they drive electric cars, enjoy theme park rides, and get their food delivered – unless you're one of the millions who can't afford an electric car, theme park ticket prices, or the luxury of food deliveries, in which case the stars are nothing like you after all.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    "Mila & Ashton – Pregnant and In Love Again! His tearful promise after cheating scandal."

    'Life & Style'

    Pamela Anderson: "Divorce, Drugs & That Sex Tape – I've Made A Lot of Mistakes!"

    After five broken marriages, that's not an unreasonable conclusion.

    'In Touch'

    "Bob Saget's Death – What Really Happened? He Suffered Catastrophic Head Trauma 'Like From a Baseball Bat'"

    What really happened? In Touch doesn't really know, but like any good tabloid they're happy to speculate.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Miss USA "murdered" and an unrelated Biden "cover-up" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Biden Grand Jury Cover-Up Exposed!" Screams the front page headline. "Truth about Joe & Hunter buried!"

    Well, not exactly.

    A grand jury's proceedings are, by law, held in secret. There's no cover-up. Only if the grand jury brings an indictment will it then become public.

    A grand jury subpoena was issued 17 months before the 2020 election seeking Hunter Biden's dealings with the Bank of China, a detail recently revealed by the "anti-corruption non-profit group Marco Polo."

    The 'Enquirer' fails to mention that Marco Polo was founded by former Trump administration official Garrett Ziegler, who is doubtless an impartial seeker-of-truth and warrior against corruption.

    "These federal grand jury revelations show how corrupt the Biden family is," says political commentator Naresh Vissa.

    No, they don't. An investigation isn't proof of wrong-doing. That's why they have the grand jury: to make the determination, or find no case to answer. Seventeen months later without an indictment, a casual observer might draw a different conclusion than condemning the Bidens for corruption.

    It's gratifying to see Republicans supporting the US Attorney for Delaware investigating Hunter Biden's tax affairs, no doubt having learned the error of their ways after previously supporting President Trump's refusal to disclose his own taxes.

    "Miss USA Cheslie Was Murdered!"

    No, she wasn't. Police believe Cheslie Kryst committed suicide by jumping from the ninth floor of her New York apartment.

    "Beauty didn't jump – she was pushed," insists the 'Enquirer.'

    No she wasn't, as the 'Enquirer' makes clear in its own story.

    When the rag says she was "pushed," they actually mean that "she was pushed into suicide."

    They may as well have written that she was "poisoned" by sorrows, "run over by a truck" load of mental troubles, "stabbed to death" by pangs of regret, and "eaten by wolves" of worry.

    Getting to the point, the 'Enquirer' claims the 2019 pageant queen "was relentlessly hounded by digital bullies and driven to take her own life!"

    They offer no evidence of this, yet claim that's "the conclusion of top mental health experts consulted by the 'National Enquirer.'"

    Well, they'd know, wouldn't they.

    "Andrew Crushes On Harry & Meghan!"

    The 'Enquirer' inexplicably imagines that Royal outcast Prince Andrew, disgraced by his involvement with convicted paedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, is looking for support in his legal battle against rape accuser Virginia Giuffre from Harry and Meghan – equally royal exiles.

    Why would he do that?

    "If Andrew could team up with Harry and Meghan and pick their brains about law and the way it all works in America, he'd be all over it in a flash," an unnamed source tells the 'Enquirer.'.

    Sure – Andrew is paying America's top defence attorneys over $1,000-an-hour for their expertise and guidance, but his problems would all disappear if only Harry and Meghan would share their legal knowledge. Who comes up with this stuff? Is the 'Enquirer' outsourcing its editorial to preschoolers as part of yet another cost-cutting exercise?

    "Whoopi Ready To Quit Over 'View' Black Eye."

    Is she, though?

    "Gwyn's Vagina Candle Takes A Licking!"

    No, Gwyneth Paltrow is not really licking her vagina-scented candle. She's nibbling at it – and even then, it's only for laughs in a Super Bowl commercial for delivery service Uber Eats. Warning: Do not try this at home – at least, not when the candle is burning.

    'Globe'

    "Palace Spy Ring Caught!" Declares this week's cover story. "Queen's inner circle infiltrated! China's brazen plot to destroy monarchy!"

    Not exactly. And certainly not a plot to destroy Britain's monarchy. A Chinese spy operation was caught by Britain's MI5 allegedly infiltrating the environmental and conservation group FaithInvest, a charity uniting different religions, that was co-founded in 1995 by the Queen's late husband, Prince Philip.

    Alleged Chinese spies did meet once with Philip, in 2017, but they can hardly have expected to use him to buy influence and conduct operations.

    How were they going to "destroy the monarchy"? Lure the then-95-year-old Prince with a honeytrap? Bribe the husband of the world's wealthiest woman?

    Yet readers of the 'Globe' might think it's the end of the road for the royal family.

    "Discovery of the scheme has thrown the palace into chaos," the 'Globe' reports, adding: "everything Queen Elizabeth has worked for could be destroyed."

    Everything? I don't know if the 'Globe' can even spell 'hyperbole,' but they certainly embrace it whole-heartedly.

    "Aqua man Momoa Moves Into Camper."

    Yes, Jason Momoa, newly separated from wife Lisa Bonet, has apparently moved into a luxury RV that costs more than the average American home. Cue the violins.

    "Shirley MacLaine Martini Rampage At 87!"

    You sip one martini and you're an alcoholic. Sip two, and you're on a rampage!

    So it goes in the tabloids, where MacLaine appears to have been caught by paparazzi delicately imbibing a martini while filming a new project: she's in the next season of 'Only Murders In the Building,' and the movie comedy 'American Dreamer.' From the photos it actually looks like she's hard at work, and not on a black-out bender.

    "Dwarfs Cut Dinklage Down To Size."

    How could the 'Globe' resist this headline after several dwarf actors hit back at the 'Game of Thrones' star Peter Dinklage for condemning Disney's coming live-action reboot of 'Snow White.' Evidently little people who hope to be cast in the movie don't take kindly to Dinklage trying to shame Disney into scrapping the project.

    Interesting to note that in the 1937 foreword to 'The Hobbit,' J.R.R. Tolkien wrote: "In English, the only correct plural of 'dwarf' is 'dwarfs.' " Good to see that the 'Globe' wasn't seduced by the lure of "dwarves."

    'People'

    It's Black History month, so 'People' mag celebrates by putting Lionel Richie on its cover with the usual triumph-over-adversity tale: "I Survived It All."

    No, he didn't survive the holocaust, a deadly tsunami, earthquakes or wildfire. He wasn't mugged, beaten, shot, kidnapped or left for dead.

    But "after a divorce, his father's death and nearly losing his voice, the music superstar reveals how he rediscovered joy and found new purpose."

    Why don't celebrities ever get real and put themselves on the cover of 'People' mag when they are depressed, at rock bottom, unloved, refusing to go to rehab, and suicidal?

    Black History month also brings us 'People' profiles on Halle Berry, Danny Glover, Harry Belafonte, Donna Summer, Martin Luther King Jr., Bob Marley, Muhammad Ali, Isaac Hayes, Richard Pryor, Whitney Houston, the Jackson family and many more. One suspects that several of these may not be recent interviews.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Inside Kim Kardashian's House of Horror" promises the cover story.

    But when 'Us Weekly' offers to take you "inside" somewhere, you can be pretty sure you're not going anywhere.

    "Kim changes the locks & hires 24/7 security," adds a headline on the front page. So now we know for certain that we're not going inside Kim's horror home, where Kanye West is locked out along with us.

    "He's forced to deny hiring hitman to kill her," claims the rag.

    Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Ciara wore it best (quite an achievement when you're up against Kendall Jenner), that Rick Astley thinks "Rick Rolling is amazing," and that the stars are just like us: they chat on their phones, have pedicures, and go shopping. Who'd have thought it?

    Elsewhere in the tabloids:

    'OK!'

    A famed supermodel and recently retired NFL superstar couple dominate the cover: "Gisele & Tom Brady – $650M Divorce Ultimatum. Fights, Lies & Living Apart! . . . Their amazing lifestyle is a sham!"

    Does that mean he didn't really win seven Super Bowls?

    'Life & Style'

    "Britney's $15 Million Tell-All! Drugs, Affairs & Starting Over" declares the front page.

    I don't think 'Life & Style' paid Britney $15 million for her tell-all, so the story doesn't reveal that much after all.

    'InTouch'

    Royal sex scandals never die, as evidenced by this week's cover story: "Devastated Kate – Showdown WIth William's 'Mistress'. Kate Demanded The Truth, Once And For All! Rose Denies affair is ongoing!"

    "Rose" is Rose Hanbury, the Marchioness of Cholmondleley and Duchess Kate's erstwhile friend. Like Prince William, she has never stopped so low as to comment on the tongue-wagging of the hoi-polloi, and it seems unlikely she has changed her tune now.

    Never a dull moment with the Royal Family.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • World War III has broken out (in case you missed it) in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    World War III has broken out, and though the lamestream media have clearly missed this epoch-shattering event, the 'National Enquirer' brings it exclusively to their readers – squeezed into a small corner of the front page, naturally edged out by the far more important story: "Hefner Celebrity Blackmail Scandal Explodes! Sex! Drugs! Cheating! Playboy Mansion's Hidden Cameras caught all the action!"

    Because who cares about the Third World War when Hugh Hefner might have made secret celebrity sex tapes?

    But did he?

    "Every place had microphones and little cameras," says Stefan Tetenbaum, Hefner's valet from 1978 to 1981. "Hefner taped everything in his bedroom, and many men – stars and athletes – came into the bedroom and had sex with these girls . . . Can you imagine what power he had over these men?"

    But Hefner's "girlfriends" all claim that the only person Hef filmed having sex was himself. And would the stars have trekked to the Playboy mansion for decades if he had a reputation for blackmailing anyone caught in a compromising situation?

    For 'Enquirer' readers more interested in geopolitics than what went on in the Playboy Mansion grotto, the rag has an important question as World War III rages: "Will the US Win?"

    Absolutely, says the gung-ho 'Enquirer,' bruising to poke the Russian bear.

    "America will easily drive Russia back in a conventional war," says former Army intelligence officer Morgan Lorette, perhaps overlooking the minor detail that Russia's military might is massed in Russia, while America's armaments are mostly in the United States where they're unlikely to push back much of anything. And why should Russia or China feel restricted to conventional warfare?

    Just in case you missed WWIII breaking out, it apparently happened when Russia sent "special-ops warriors" into the Ukraine, and China sent 39 warplanes into Taiwan's airspace.

    "Harry Begs Queen: Let Us Come Home!"

    Prince Harry's "California Dream is Nightmare!" Naturally it's all Duchess Meghan's fault as she "chases her Hollywood dreams." Harry is supposedly begging the Queen and Prince Charles to let him back into the UK, as if he's been exiled – which he hasn't. He can get on a plane and fly home any time he wants.

    "Arnold Lucky To Be Alive!"

    Schwarzenegger was involved in a four-car crash, in which his SUV – built like a tank, and just as big – crushed other cars beneath its wheels. Arnold isn't lucky to be alive. He emerged without a scratch, because he was driving the most intimidating, invulnerable vehicle on the road.

    "Adele Flees Vegas On Verge of Crackup! Pals fear singer is a ticking time bomb."

    Any time a celebrity breaks down in tears, like clockwork the 'Enquirer' finds "pals who fear" that they're having a mental breakdown. This time it's Adele, who tearfully cancelled her planned Las Vegas residency the day before it was to open. The 'Enquirer' quotes only one unnamed "friend," who says in fluent tabloidese: "Her mental health issues were always a ticking time bomb, and now her world is crumbling around her. I don't know if she can recover."

    How is it that tabloid sources all speak as though they learned English by watching 'TMZ' and 'Inside Edition'?

    "Brain Damage Fears For Aging Brady!"

    There are brain damage fears for any long-time NFL professional: it comes with the territory, and Tom Brady is no different, though there's absolutely no reason to believe that he is showing any signs of mental impairment from two decades on the gridiron.

    "Bad News Bears!"

    There's a litany of alliteration in the 'Enquirer' report on increased attacks by bears.

    "Bloodthirsty bears" and "brutal bruins" are staging "ambush attacks" and "rampaging across the country" – look outside your window, you might see one! – as they "claw their way back from the brink of extinction!"

    Or could it be that human development increasingly intrudes on bear habitat? There were six – six!! – bear attacks in America in 2021. Meanwhile an average of 62 Americans die each year from bee stings – perhaps because we're pushing the belicose brawling buzzing beasts toward extinction too.

    "Andrew's Legal Wormhole!"

    Prince Andrew has filed legal papers denying all the "sexual assault and battery" charges leveled against him by Jeffrey Epstein's former sex slave Virginia Giuffre. Fine – but why is that a "wormhole"? Does his legal defense rely on testimony from a breach in the space-time continuum? Or is vermiculture Andrew's best bet for worming his way out of legal trouble?

    'Globe'

    Like a heavyweight boxing match billboard, the 'Globe' cover is dominated by the Fight of the Century: "Hillary vs Trump – 2024 Rematch!"

    What are they smoking over at the 'Globe'? Biden has indicated he's going to run for reelection in 2024, Kamala Harris would be a natural front-runner if Biden decided to step down, and Hillary is toxic even within her own party. And there's no certainty that Trump could secure the Republican nomination.

    Certainly, Biden its't looking his best. As the 'Globe' puts its so eloquently: "Old rivals convinced Prez is dead meat!"

    "Arnold Cheats Death!"

    Schwarzenegger is only lucky he didn't kill anyone else, crushed beneath his behemoth SUV.

    "Bobby Kennedy Marriage on the Rocks!"

    Actress Cheryl Hines publicly disagreed with husband RFK Jr's over-the-top comment comparing mask mandates to Nazi oppression. Certainly the couple have exchanged some heated words on the subject, but she knows who she's married to, and his opinions won't come as a surprise to her.

    "Winter Olympics Spy Ring Exposed!"

    China has allegedly been caught plotting "an evil scheme to bribe judges, snare innocent athletes in so-called 'sex honeytraps' and even cripple competitors with invisible microwave beams" so that their nation "wins the most gold medals and humiliates America," according to unnamed sources.

    Bribing judges is a perilous game risking exposure, and injuring competitors with microwaves seems so complicated when a little salmonella in their food or a dose of coronavirus would do the trick. But honeytraps? Those might work when compromising spies with blackmail material, but for most Olympic athletes that would just be giving them free sex without offering any leverage for blackmail. Who makes this stuff up?

    'People'

    "Jennifer Lopez in Love!" dominates the cover.

    She's happily reunited with Ben Affleck, enjoying life, and says: "I honestly believe that love rules all." Easy to say when you're paid $20 million a movie.

    "Are Brad Pitt & Lykke Li More Than Friends?"

    This follows Betteridge's Law of Headlines: For any headline that ends with a question mark, the answer is invariably: No.

    It's almost Valentine's Day, so 'People' declares this week its "Love Issue," starting with J. Lo & Ben Affleck, and continuing with celebrity couples Lisa Rinna & Harry Hamlin, Nate Berkus & Jeremiah Brent, Allison Holder & Stephen 'Twitch' Boss (stop me if these names are sliding down low on the celebrity recognition scale), non-Hollywood civilians who have romantic tales to tell, and "A Cancer-Stricken Mum's Wish: Date My Daughter."

    Of course there's Rhianna & A$AP Rocky's "baby joy," and "Puppy Love!" which tells of a Moonies-style mass wedding for dogs in Villa Park, Illinois.

    'Us Weekly'

    Ben Affleck's ex Jennifer Garner is this week's cover girl with the story: "A Ring For Jen!"

    Garner is allegedly "racing ex Ben & J. Lo to the altar." Because celebrities see their love lives as a competition, naturally.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Katy Perry wore it best (and still looks like she's wearing a pair of pink satin drapes), that Alyssa Milano confesses "an unhealthy obsession with houseplants" (though she doesn't elaborate on what scandalous activities she might engage in with them), and that the stars are just like us: they take out the trash, go shopping, and eat frozen yogurt. Insightful, as ever.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • America in chaos in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "America In Total Chaos!" screams the cover story. Sorry, I must have missed the madness and mayhem – it looks quiet as usual outside my front door.

    "Joe Biden's Inflation Disaster Exposed!"

    Ah, that's the chaos, apparently. Just the sort of in-depth economic analysis 'Enquirer' readers love.

    "Biden blunders blamed for empty food shelves, gas crisis & cash chaos."

    Of course he's blamed for that. Just like President Trump was to blame for empty shelves, shuttered shops and empty restaurants in early 2020. Or could Covid-19 have had something to do with both situations?

    "Demi's Big Fat Problem!"

    Demi Lovato has reportedly gained weight. Enough weight to make the 'Enquirer' sit up and notice, apparently. She's allegedly 181 pounds, and the 'Enquirer' would know because they have a spy camera planted in her bathroom scales, so they couldn't possibly be wrong. Just another sign of the chaos that's plaguing America.

    "Fears Skinny Celine Hanging By a Thread!"

    Maybe Demi and Celine Dion should share their meals, and they'd both be healthier. The perennially-thin singer is apparently still thin, but that worries editors at the 'Enquirer,' who know that America would be less chaotic if everyone were the same healthy weight.

    "Geez Geena! The Lady vanishes."

    The 'Enquirer' is really digging deep into personal attacks on celebrity weight this week. A recent photo of Geena Davis allegedly makes her look "shockingly skeletal." The weight-obsessed rag also tells us this week that "chunky" comic Amy Schumer has allegedly had "liposuction."

    "Harry & Meghan's Cruel Cop-Out!"

    Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan have allegedly "sunk to 'disgusting' emotional blackmail' by refusing to take their two children to England unless the Queen pays for their personal security team. At least they're not too fat or too thin.

    "Prince Andrew Romanced Pervy Ghislaine!"

    Ghislaine Maxwell's former college classmate Euan Rellie says: "I got the sense Prince Andrew and Ghislaine had probably been girlfriend and boyfriend in the past." Apparently having a feeling that something probably happened passes for facts these days.

    "Brad's Shacks Are The Pitts!"

    Brad Pitt's 'Make It Right Foundation' is being criticized for erecting homes for 2005 victims of Hurricane Katrina that are subpar. No good deed goes unpunished.

    "Shock therapy Nightmare For Monaco Prince's Troublesome WIfe."

    Surely that should be "Troubled Wife"? But of course the 'Enquirer' doesn't actually say that Princess Charlene has had electric shock treatment, or is even going too get it. There are just unnamed "sources" who allegedly "fear her playboy hubby, Albert, will okay mind-erasing therapy to protect royal secrets!" Right.

    'Globe'

    His sex trial hasn't even begun, but the 'Globe' already has the verdict with its cover story declaring: "Prince Andrew Guilty!"

    Yes, he is categorically guilty, says the magazine – he's "guilty of breaking his mother's heart," according to an unidentified "high-level staffer."

    It's astonishing how the 'Globe' always finds "senior palace sources" and "high-level courtiers" who speak perfect tabloidese.

    Andrew is facing trial for sexual assault in a civil suit filed by billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's confessed former sex slave Virginia Giuffre, but the 'Globe' source says that the Queen's "decision to cast him out of the royal circle is the most damning verdict of all".

    "Guilty Andrew Suffers Nervous Breakdown! Screaming rages & bitter tears after clash with queen over rape trial disaster." Is that really any different from his usual behaviour? High-level courtiers want to know.

    Naturally, Andrew's problem "has the monarchy teetering on the brink of disaster," according to "senior palace sources." Sure.

    "Lovelorn Tom Crushing On Angelina!"

    He may be a Scientologist, but surely Tom Cruise isn't really that stupid, is he?

    "High-Handed Harry Demands British Police Protection! Humiliates royals by suing government to get his way." Sounds about right.

    "Lean Remini: Scientology Kept Me Dumb."

    Doesn't that imply that she admits being dumb to begin with, and only blames the cult for keeping her that way?

    "Nicole & Keith Didn't Finish High School!"

    Talk about dumb. Clearly that's what's held back Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban from finding success in life.

    "Ben Affleck Hopelessly Henpecked! Terrified he'll lose bossy J.Lo."

    The 'Globe' seems to think that in any loving relationship where a man does whatever he can to keep his partner happy, he must be suffering under her tongue-lashing.

    "What's Really Wrong With Celine Dion? 100-lb. songbird urged to get rehab after canceling tour."

    Only last April the 'Globe' claimed Dion was down to 95 lbs, so she appears to have gained five pounds since then. Some magazines are never happy.

    'People'

    Courtney Cox dominates the cover, under the headline: "Life, Love & What I've Learned."

    I think 'People' magazine must save a fortune by reusing this headline every other week, and simply changing out the celebrity name each time. "I've always stayed true to myself," Cox says, explaining everything.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Eva Mendes & Ryan Gosling: Under Pressure" declares the cover.

    Well if they weren't under pressure before, they will be once they read this article about "the HUGE decision that could BREAK them." They've sold their Los Angeles home and are reportedly looking for somewhere more rural and private. An unnamed "insider" says: "Everyone's hoping a change of scenery will do them a world of good." Yes, running away always solves every problem.

    "Priyanka & Nick – Why They Kept Baby A Secret."

    Could it be because the surrogate birth of a child to Chopra and Jonas is nobody's business but their own?

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Eiza Gonzalez wore it best, that David Arquette owns the rights to "Bozo the Clown," and that the stars are just like us: they buy groceries, flowers and snacks, exercise, play Sudoku, and fire up the BBQ. And clearly have to dress up and put on makeup whenever they go to the supermarket, because they never know when paparazzi may be lurking.

    Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .

    'OK!' Magazine perpetuates the obsession with celebrity avoirdupois, with its cover story: "Princess Kate Hits Back At Weight Shamers – Don't Call Me Skinny!"

    So what does 'OK!' mag do? It reports that Kate "shrinks to 95 lbs!" Good listening skills.

    'InTouch' sticks with royalty for its cover story: "The Queen Reunites William & Harry! Meghan & Harry Flying to London for Platinum Jubilee."

    Really? That would be news to the rest of the Fleet Street royal press pack. And even if Harry and Meghan returned to Britain for the Jubilee – currently up for debate, as Harry demands an armed protection detail that he's no longer entitled to since being stripped of his royal duties – that still wouldn't guarantee that he'd give William the time of day.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Royal scandals, UFOs and Jeffrey Epstein's "murder" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Dying Queen's Deathbed Decrees!" screams the cover story. "Charles forced to RETIRE! Frantic final push to save the monarchy!"

    She's a frail 95-year-old, but the Queen is neither dying nor on her deathbed, and the monarchy doesn't need saving, though it could certainly use a better PR agency.

    "Charles forced to RETIRE!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims the 73-year-old prince will only rule until his 80th birthday. As if. Once he's king he can rule for as long as he wants. The Queen can't impose a posthumous retirement age on her heir.

    William WINS the throne!"

    No, he didn't. It's not a game show with the throne as the big prize. The Settlement Act of 1701 still ensures Charles' succession.

    "Harry & Meghan BANNED!"

    Despite the "high ranking royal aide" cited as the story's source, Prince Harry and wife Meghan and their two children have not been "stripped of all royal titles and banished forever!" The Queen has many powers, but they don't include the authority to exile anyone from the UK, much as she might like to.

    "Andrew scores big PAYDAY!"

    The 'Enquirer' claims the Queen is giving her favorite son "$5 million a year, tax free, for life." He should be so lucky. Prince Andrew only received £249,000-a-year (around $334,00) allowance when he was in the Queen's good graces, and while Her Royal Highness is paying Andrew's hefty legal defense bill in his fight against billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's sex slave accuser Virginia Giuffre, he's not getting anything like this purported massive hand-out from the Queen.

    "Payoff Bombshell Rocks Charles."

    Is there anyone else embroiled in scandals this week, or has the British Royal Family secured a global monopoly?

    Prince Charles' cash-for-titles bribery scandal has "exploded around his jug ears" claims the 'Enquirer,' with a new report that wife Camilla "cavorted" with the Saudi billionaire at the centre of the scandal. Because we all know how bad cavorting can be. And you thought ten Lords a'leaping was bad.

    "Air Force Pilot Tangles WIth Nine UFOs!"

    A US military pilot apparently saw nine lights in the clouds over the South China Sea, and because he couldn't recognise them they are literally unidentified flying objects. That doesn't necessarily make them alien spacecraft – but try telling that to the 'Enquirer.'

    "Denzel's Face Is Collapsing!"

    The 'Enquirer' is shocked that Denzel Washington at the age of 67 doesn't look the same as he did at 25. A plastic surgeon who has never treated Washington has studied photographs of the actor and concluded that he had facial liposuction to appear thinner, and now "his face looks hollower." Hard to argue with a solid medical diagnosis.

    'Globe'

    It's the cover story that's been a year in the making: "Farewell – 117 Legends We Loved & Lost in 2021." That's 13 pages of regurgitated old news.

    "Epstein Was Murdered – Explosive New Proof!"

    This word "proof" does not mean what the 'Globe' thinks it means. The "explosive" documents are papers that include psychological evaluations of Jeffrey Epstein made while he was in jail awaiting trial in 2019, when he apparently displayed no suicidal ideation. The 'Globe' takes that as proof that his jail cell hanging must have been murder, simply because he never said: "I want to kill myself."

    Regular rent-a-quote psychiatrist Dr Carole Lieberman, who never met or analysed Epstein, opines: "The way things unfolded during Epstein's last hours are very suspicious of foul play made to look like suicide." So suddenly she's a forensic expert, as well as a shrink?

    There's a reason that the photo in this week's 'Globe' of Michael Jackson's daughter Paris posing topless with four girlfriends looks familiar – we saw this same story with the same photo months ago in the tabloids.

    Here it is again, as if new, under the headline: "Exorcism For Moonstruck Paris Jackson."

    The 'Globe' claims that because Paris and a few girlfriends partied under a full moon, her family believe she "is possessed by evil spirits and are planning an exorcism to save her soul." Sure – that's just the approach her family of devoted Jehovah's Witnesses would take . . if they converted to Catholicism and embraced the rites of exorcism. But since they haven't converted – forget about it.

    "Vengeful Prince Philip Settled Scores From Beyond The Grave. Cuts worthless Charles, Harry & Andrew out of $60M will."

    Philip's last will and testament is sealed for 90 years, but it has been disclosed that the vast majority of his estate went to his wife, the Queen, and he only made bequests to three key members of his staff. Philip's family wasn't exactly snubbed. Worthless? Well, the 'Globe' may have a point.

    "Lucy & Desi's Sex Secrets Exposed!" That's the claim in a new book, but their marital infidelities are hardly a revelation: Lucille Ball admitted it in her own memoir decades ago, and Hollywood tabloids have been writing about the cheating ways of Desi Arnaz since the 1950s.

    'People'

    It's your typical picture-perfect loving couple wrapped in a warm embrace on this week's cover, all smiles as they sit nestled in a small boat on placid waters. Their hands are entwined, and she leans back into his confident arms, beside the headline "HGTV's Ben & Erin Napier. Marriage, Fame & Our Joyful Family!"

    Could. Not. Care. Less. Who are these people? And why should we be concerned that they are trying to make a "normal" life for daughters Helen, 3, and baby Mae?

    "Olivia & Harry – Why They're Happier Than Ever."

    Actress-director Wilde and singer Styles recently celebrated the one-year mark in their romance, and Olivia told 'Vogue' magazine that she's "happier than I've ever been" because . . . well, she's in love.

    But is Harry happier than ever? 'People' mag has no idea. They haven't spoken to Harry, don't have a single quote from him, and reveal that he's currently on tour, while Wilde has been filming period drama 'Babylon.' For all they know Harry could be miserable – 'People' mag hasn't a clue.

    'Us Weekly'

    British royalty finally steps aside to allow American royalty to take a moment in the celebrity spotlight, with the cover story: "Kim Kardashian – It's All Falling Apart!"

    What's all falling apart? Her face? Her famous derriere? Her business empire? Her marriage to Kanye West (which actually fell apart months ago)?

    Kim is reportedly "humiliated by Kanye's latest public breakdown." He made an open plea for a reconciliation – shock, horror – but he's her ex, that's not her problem, and it's more humiliating for Kanye than for Kim.

    But wait – there's more!

    Apparently she's "crazy for Pete [Davidson] – who just spent the night with Miley [Cyrus]!"

    But did Miley really spend the night with Davidson after a taping of 'Saturday Night Live'? 'Us Weekly' certainly doesn't know, admitting that Miley being spotted at Davidson's Staten Island condo was "leading some to believe that Cyrus spent the night." And presumably some believe she didn't. And even if Cyrus did spend the night with Davidson, does that mean they were making the beast with two backs? Absolutely, if you work for the tabloids. People don't just sit around and talk through the night, do they?

    Worse yet, 'Us Weekly' claims that Kim's "at war with her sisters over storylines & money." So what's new? Isn't that sort of conflict what reality TV thrives on?

    "What a Year!" comments the rag, as it looks back on the events of 2021, and takes only six pages to sum it all up. Bravo!

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kendall Jenner wore it best (someone should tell Amelia Gray Hamlin that body-hugging invariably looks better than loose and crumpled), that social media celebrity-turned-pro boxer Jake Paul confesses: "I secretly love watching cat grooming videos," and that the stars are just like us: they pump gas, buy take-out pizza, shop for fresh produce at farmers' markets, and—like Prince Charles, demoted from Royal to just another "Star"—struggle with their facemasks. At least he has those "jug ears" to keep his mask in place.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Joe Biden's "dementia" and Ghislaine Maxwell's "shocking photos' in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    Orgies in the Caribbean! The libidinous rich and famous fornicating on the Lolita Express private jet! Sex slaves delivering XXX-rated massages!

    These are just some of the eye-searing possibilities conjured up by the 'National Enquirer' cover story: "Epstein Madam's Twisted Photo Album Revealed!"

    How twisted can these photographs possibly be of the late convicted billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein and his still-extant right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell, currently on trial for sex trafficking?

    Nothing could quite prepare you for this.

    There's a photo of Maxwell with Epstein seated together on his private jet; a photo of the two of them sitting on a bench; another of the pair on a motorbike, and two where Ghislaine shockingly plants a chaste kiss on Epstein's cheek. And then there's a snap where she is fully clothed on Epstein's jet, apparently giving him a foot massage. Oh, the horror!

    Maxwell is certainly "caught on camera," as the 'Enquirer' rejoices, but she's been caught doing nothing worth all this hand-wringing.

    "Party Animal Jen Going To Pot!"

    Jennifer Aniston allegedly consumes marijuana edibles and CBD balms, and on occasions will "smoke a fat joint if the mood suits her." Are we supposed to be shocked (again)? Hasn't the 'Enquirer' heard that marijuana is legal in California?

    "Phil Collins Will Die Laughing!"

    Let's be honest: the singer will probably die gasping for air, clutching his chest.

    But prognostications aside, the 'Enquirer' believes he will be chuckling away at the moment of his passing, cheered because his ex-wife has divorced the "toyboy" who lived with her in Collins's former Miami mansion. The 'Enquirer' assumes that Collins, "riddled with illness," will take pleasure in his ex-wife's misery. At least we know how their editorial mind works.

    "Oh nose! Jackson's Son Obsessed With Plastic Surgery."

    Disgraced pop icon Michael Jackson's oldest son Prince is allegedly addicted to cosmetic surgery, just like his old man. The 'Enquirer' claims – without evidence or confirmation, but simply by studying old photos – that Prince had a "nose job" and "fillers injected into his cheek." Does that make him "obsessed" with cosmetic surgery? The 'Enquirer' hedges, saying: "The fear is he'll become obsessed with surgery and overdo it like his dad". Sounds like the 'Enquirer' that's obsessed.

    "Vengeful Harry Stabs Dad In Back!" No, he didn't. When it was revealed that Prince Harry had accepted money for his charities from the Saudi billionaire at the centre of Princes Charles's "royals for sale" scandal, Harry simply pointed out that he had "expressed concerns" about the donor in 2015, which happened to be a year before Charles became embroiled with the same man. What Harry did not say was: "I thought he was an unsavoury character months before my dad was conned."

    "School Shooter's Parents Are Monsters Too!"

    After 15-year-old Ethan Crumbley was arrested for a recent Michigan school shooting, his parents, who had reportedly been convicted of passing bad checks, went on the run. This is sufficient for the tame 'Enquirer' psychiatrist Dr Carole Lieberman to opine: "The parents are sociopaths". Right. You can't argue with a good clinical diagnosis.

    'Globe'

    "Joe Biden Dementia Crisis!" screams the cover story. "Suffering tragic delusions! Dangerous odd behaviour!"

    Well, Ol' Joe only has himself to blame.

    He recently told a crowd that he used to work as a truck driver, which people assumed meant an 18-wheeler. While he may have briefly driven one, he actually spent a season driving a summer school bus in the mid-1960s. A school bus certainly doesn't qualify as a tractor-trailer, but conflating the two large, heavy and unwieldy vehicles doesn't exactly scream "dementia" or "delusion."

    Biden also spoke recently of being asked to serve as a liaison between Israel and Egypt during the 1967 Six-Day War, when in fact he was a law student at the time. Far from being delusional or demented, Biden was simply confusing his Israeli wars, and meant to refer to the Yom Kippur War of 1973, before which Senator Biden met with Israeli premier Gold Meir for talks.

    He was factually wrong with both statements, but they hardly indicate "delusional recollections," and certainly don't rise to the grand delusion of Donald Trump's "Big Lie."

    Dr Carole Liebjerman, of course, offers her diagnosis that Biden is in "psychiatric decline." Right.

    And what about his "dangerous odd behavior"? That's when Biden allegedly fell asleep at the recent world climate conference in Scotland, though it hasn't been proven that Biden wasn't merely resting his eyes and listening intently to the speeches.

    "Prince William: My War With Depression!"

    William recently confessed to experiencing anguish and depression in 2017 after his work as an air ambulance service pilot took him to the aid of a critically injured young boy. There's no indication that William didn't recover from this period of depression, but the 'Globe' quotes a "high-level courtier" saying that "he's still suffering," which the rag claims is "sparking fears he'll buckle under the pressures of royal life once he gains the throne!"

    Why would that be? As monarch is he expected to attend to a slew of near-fatal car crash scenes?

    "Alec Baldwin Fails Shooting Lie Detector!"

    As far as I can recall, the only person who has ever passed the 'Globe' lie detector tests was – surprise, surprise – President Donald Trump. Baldwin claims the he didn't pull the trigger of the gun that shot cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the movie 'Rust,' which a voice stress analysis – pseudoscience at its best – allegedly shows was false. Can't argue with the facts.

    'People'

    WIth a typically inspirational 'People' profile designed to tug at the heartstrings by exploiting celebrity tragedy, TV's Nick Cannon reveals in the cover story: "My Heart Is Shattered."

    Cannon talks about "losing my baby to cancer," his grief, and finding strength amid tragedy.

    "Kate at 40! How Her Life Is Changing."

    Duchess Kate, who turns 40 on January 9, "is a focused and professional woman" who is "ready to step into" the Queen's shoes alongside her husband when he becomes King William, according to unnamed sources who all seem to talk in dull bromides.

    Kate's children are now all in school, and she's grown more comfortable making public speeches, apparently. She's wearing more glamorous clothes, and a family friend says she is "definitely fit for being Queen one day." It's yet another Royal story with zero insights and 100 per cent puffery.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Inside Keanu's Private World" reads the cover. "The Pain Behind His Smile."

    Keanu Reeves's baby was stillborn, and his then-girlfriend died in a car crash a year later, the rag reveals, adding: "Reeves was heartbroken over the unthinkable losses."

    But this all happened 22 years ago, in 1999.

    You'd think from the cover headline that Reeves had suffered some recent tragedy that haunts him still, but no. He simply has the fourth instalment of 'The Matrix' coming out on December 22, so it's a good time to recycle the actor's ancient pain, even though he hasn't given 'Us Weekly' a single quote for their cover story.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Paris Jackson wore it best (not hard when Doja Cat looks like she'd stumbled through a set of satin drapes and pulled the curtains around her in panic), that 'The Real Housewives of New York City' alum Tinsley Mortimer "can't live without Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers" and will "only wear Hanky Panky lace thong underwear (two cravings that are hopefully unrelated), and that the stars are just like us: they shop for birthday cards, drink coffee, and hang ornaments on their Christmas tree. Scintillating, as always.

    Elsewhere in the Tabloids:

    Husband and wife team Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively dominate the cover of 'O.K!' Magazine, with the headline: "Under Pressure." They reportedly claim: "We're far from perfect." Well, there's a shock.

    Jennifer Aniston is the cover girl for this week's 'In Touch' magazine, though it's highly unlikely that she ever sat down with them to explain: "Why I Never Had Kids." She recently complained of tabloid coverage of her uterus, saying: "You have no clue what's going on with me personally, medically, why I can't . . . can I have kids? They don't know anything."

    Aniston is simply pointing out that there are myriad reasons why people don't have children it wasn't exactly a confession.

    'Life & Style' mag find commonality among the stars – singer Adele, actress Julianne Hough, and one-woman celebrity empire Kim Kardashian – "Finding Love After Divorce." How heart-warming.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • World War III and Biden-Harris "knife fight" in this week's dubious tabloids

    In the spirit of Thanksgiving we can be grateful for the tabloids' pursuit of truth, justice and the American way – as long as the American way is dedicated to speculation, supposition, suspicion and sensationalism.

    'National Enquirer'

    Britain's royal soap opera has gone into overdrive as if it's the season finale during Sweeps Week and the writers are scheming to kill off a major cast member if salary negotiations don't work out for the following year.

    "Widowed Queen, 95, Bravely Facing The End!" proclaims the cover story. What else would Her Majesty do? Hide under the covers and refuse all sustenance? Ride her stately horse-drawn carriage off a cliff?

    "Elizabeth's tragic diagnosis EXPOSED!" The rag claims: "An emergency battery of tests revealed fears Elizabeth faces deadly blood cancer." Can tests reveal "fears"? The Queen either has leukemia or she doesn't. And why would Her Royal Highness require a battery of new tests, when the 'Enquirer' has been telling readers since March 2019 that she's been diagnosed with the disease? It's as if they don't believe their own reports could possibly be true.

    "Charles & William FIGHT for throne." No, they don't. For crying out loud, The Settlement Act of 1701 lays down the rules of succession, and unless William plans to kill his father, or Charles meets a premature end – those soap opera screenwriters can be fickle – Charles will be the next monarch by law.

    "Banned Harry will NEVER see her again!" Unless he flies to the UK, in which case he'll almost certainly see his royal granny again.

    "Dying Queen Fights To Save Monarchy!" She's dying, but she's also a warrior queen girding for battle? Right. Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan's attacks on the royal family, Harry's feud with Prince William, and Prince Andrew's alleged rape scandal supposedly threaten the monarchy, and to save the institution the Queen plans to "banish certain offenders." No names mentioned (Harry, Meghan, Andrew – are you reading this?) As if banning anyone would make any difference to the royal's troubles.

    "Angelina Jolie Is Killing Brad!"

    Has she taken out a contract on her ex-husband and sent a team of hit-men gunning for Pitt? Nothing so exotic. Brad Pitt is reportedly "balding and battered after brutal 5-year custody battle," and "looked skeletal and washed out" on a recent night out. Apparently Pitt's frail appearance can be blamed on Jolie, rather than the fact he's filming back-to-back movies, and that he's not as young as he used to be.

    "US Braces For World War 3!"

    The coming Armageddon is buried on page 16, which is obviously the right place to report the century's biggest story, following more important stories on Ryan Seacrest's "man boob nightmare," Angelina Jolie's planned butt lift, and Geraldo's moves to leave Fox TV.. Evidently world war is almost upon us as "Russia readies spring invasion." That's something to look forward to. It's an "Enquirer Exclusive," because clearly the failing 'New York Times' and 'Washington Post' missed this major breaking story.

    "Baldwin's Band-Aid Baby! Hilaria hopes having 7th little mouth to feed will help Alec de-stress!" Since when does adding a screaming newborn to a household reduce stress after you've accidentally killed someone?

    'Globe'

    "Bill Clinton Deathbed Divorce!" screams the cover. "Medical crisis sparks $120 million breakup. Desperate to escape Hillary after 46 years."

    If the Monica Lewinsky scandal and the Starr Report and Whitewater scandal and Hillary's rumored affair with Vince Foster and the Clinton Foundation scandal didn't tear them apart, why would Bill Clinton, at the age of 75, want to divorce 74-year-old Hillary now, just because he was in hospital recently and, according to the rag, had a narrow "escape from death"?

    "He's no longer willing to live a lie," says a naturally unnamed "insider." Right. A urinary tract infection will do that to you.

    "Hubby Abandons Epstein Madam!" That's assuming that Scott Borgerson was actually married to Ghislaine Maxwell in the first place: he's never confirmed their marriage, and no wedding certificate has yet been found.

    "Biden & Kamala's Ugly Knife Fight!"

    Did the president and vice president square off in the Oval Office, their left hands tied together at the wrist by a bandana, circling one another, slashing with switchblades? As if. No, the 'Globe' is employing industrial lashings of poetic license to characterize Joe Biden's apparent distance from Kamala Harris, described by unnamed sources as an "exhausted stalemate." Otherwise known as a knife fight, one assumes.

    "Stalin's Horrifying Planet of the Apes." The Russian dictator allegedly "financed evil experiments to breed humans with chimpanzees," according to "recently unearthed" government documents, the 'Globe' claims. The rag fails to mention that these newly discovered documents emerged in the 1990s, and have been repeatedly reported through the decades. The experiments took place in 1926, which qualifies as breaking news for the 'Globe.'

    'People'

    The shocking embryo mix-up that resulted in a tragic baby swap for Alexander and Daphna Cardinale, who gave birth to a baby girl they discovered wasn't theirs, provides this week's cover story beneath the headline: "This Isn't Our Child." Intriguingly 'People' doesn't make much of the fact that another couple also gave birth to the Cardinale's baby, and presumably were equally devastated to have spent nine months gestating and several months more loving their newborn before discovering it belonged to another family. The couples eventually swapped babies so that the babies ended up with their biological families, but it's clearly an IVF clinic screw-up that could make buying future Mother's Day cards a traumatic experience.

    "Lady Gaga in Love!" It's a "life-changing romance," says the mag, which seems to be over-stating matters when it then goes on to quote an unnamed source saying the singer is enjoying "a quiet life" in Malibu with tech-investor boyfriend Michael Polansky.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Jessica Simpson: Living a Lie" states the cover, which seems rather a harsh accusation under the circumstances. The singer reportedly "smiles for the cameras" but is "falling apart," claims the mag. "Simpson is secretly worried husband Eric Johnson needs some breathing room." She's been sober for four years, just released a new single, and recently regained full ownership of her billion dollar brand, so naturally 'Us Weekly' says "things are falling apart." Right.

    "25 Things You Don't Know About The Queen." What could have possessed Her Majesty to agree to partake in this pop quiz? She didn't, of course. Among the proffered gems: "she saves rubber bands," "always wears neutral nail polish," "loves to laugh," and "regularly wanders around her homes switching off lights to conserve energy." Hardly surprising, since she doesn't even crack the Top Ten on Forbes magazine's list of the world's wealthiest women.

    On this Thanksgiving week we can give special thanks for the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' who tell us that Sara Sampaio wore it best (delivering a rare defeat to Bella Hadid), that the Queen "was always a bit of a loner," and that the stars are just like us: they pack groceries, drink coffee, and bring an umbrella in case of rain, which on a wet November day in London seemed the only sensible course of action for former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell.

    In other tabloids:

    Kylie Jenner is a "Delivery Room Diva!" declares 'OK!' magazine, which is impressive considering she's not due to deliver her second baby with Travis Scott until the year's end at the earliest.

    "She's out of control," claims the rag, which ratchets up the implausibility level by claiming that she is planning a "$400K birthing suite," will have an "immediate tummy tuck & butt lift," and is charging her Jenner-Kardashian clan sisters "$1 million for selfies." Seems like a bargain.

    Singer Taylor Swift "Finally Speaks!" according to 'Life & Style' magazine, though it seems likely that she actually learned to speak as a child, and a number of past TV interview suggest that she mastered the power of locution some time ago. If Swift has spoken, it's unlikely to have been in a sit-down with 'Life & Style.'

    While other tabloids are preparing to bury the Queen amid a fracturing royal family, 'In Touch' mag goes in the opposite direction, with its cover declaring: "The Queen's Christmas Miracle!" and predicting: "Royal Family Reuniting!" Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Biden "snoozes" and Ghislaine "guilty" in last week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Why Biden's Asleep At The Wheel!" screams this week's cover.

    Yes, the president appeared to fall asleep at the recent COP26 climate summit, though in all fairness he could have been listening attentively with his eyes shut. Always rushing to judgement, the 'Enquirer' sees this as a sign of a "Dangerous New Health Crisis!" Joe Biden is allegedly "confused by his own plan to pay illegals millions!" and his "blundering Oval Office is out of control!" Coupled with reports that he broke wind during a meeting with Prince Charles' wife Duchess Camilla, and suggestions that he is forgetful, a doctor who has not treated Biden says definitively: "It all points to cognitive decline and perhaps even the early stages of dementia." Whereas Trump suggesting injections of bleach and exhibiting signs of narcissistic megalomania were evidence of his fitness for another four years in office?

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  • Queen "kills" Andrew sex probe in this week's dubious tabloids

    National Enquirer

    The rapidly-developing Gabby Petito murder mystery leaves the 'Enquirer' behind as it tries and fails to stay ahead of breaking news with its cover story: "Gabby Murder Horror: What Brian's Parents Know!" There's only one problem: the 'Enquirer' has no idea what Petito boyfriend Brian Laundrie's family knows.

    "Top law enforcement sources believe the couple covered up for their son – and may have secretly communicated with him!" claims the report. But there's no evidence proving either possibility, and as for what Brian Laundrie's parents might know, the best the 'Enquirer' can offer is a question: "What do they know?" Perhaps as little as 'Enquirer' readers.

    "Oldest & Fattest Man Ever In Space." That would be William Shatner, whose worldly achievements apparently boil down to his age and weight. A doctor who naturally has never treated the former 'Star Trek' actor says that his recent 11-minute flight into space could kill him within weeks, as "the sudden massive forces of gravity during flight increase his risk of breaking off plaque from his arteries and suffering a heart attack or stroke." You can always trust the 'Enquirer' to look for the cloud in every silver lining.

    "America's Most Dangerous Bridges State By State!" It's a worthy yet stultifying four-page exercise in listing US bridges "in need of repair." Like "Route 171 over Big Darby Creek" in Ohio, and "I-89 NB over Connecticut River" in Vermont. There are equally exciting revelations about bridges in all 50 states – that's certain to boost 'Enquirer' sales nationwide, isn't it?

    Hasn't Britney Spears suffered enough? Evidently not, according to the 'Enquirer' story: "New Blow For Britney! Dark web plans to make her XXX star." The report claims that Britney's father filmed her having sex in her bugged bedroom, and "now she could be caught in an X-rated scandal" as wickedly warped weirdos aim to sell her sex tapes online. No, no and no. Her father is understood to have used audio recording devices, not video in her bedroom; and if such video existed her father is unlikely to have allowed it to fall into the hands of anyone who would sell it as a sex tape on the dark web. It's yet another hot erotic fantasy in the sex-starved 'Enquirer' editorial offices.

    "Charles' Bribe Scandal Patsy!" Prince Charles' aide Michael Fawcett is poised to take the blame for allegedly selling Royal titles for cash, claims the 'Enquirer.' Hardly surprising, really, since months ago it was Fawcett accused of such an offense, and it's the 'Enquirer' that has been repeatedly trying to sell the yarn that Charles was behind the scheme.

    Globe

    "Queen Kills Andrew Sex Crimes Probe!" proclaims the cover story. No, Scotland Yard killed its own probe into Prince Andrew's alleged sex crimes, reportedly finding no new evidence to pursue in the UK. If the Queen ever tried to influence the British police in the prosecution of their duties that would be a constitutional scandal that could genuinely threaten to undermine the monarchy. HRH knows better.

    "Harry & Meghan Land $1.3B Bank Gig." No, their "bank gig" isn't worth $1.3 billion to the royal renegades. The environmentally-conscious Ethic bank has $1.3 billion in investment capital, and it's safe to assume that only the most minute fraction of that will go toward Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan's new role as "impact partners," which is another name for "over-paid PR shills."

    "Judge Judy Stabs TV Bailiff In The Back!" Figuratively speaking, that is. When Judge Judy launched a new show, the side-kick who played her court bailiff for 25 years was not invited to go with her. "I was treated as an afterthought," says Petri Hawkins-Byrd. Then again, the show wasn't called "Bailiff Byrd," was it?

    "Secret Sub Sandwich Lands Couple In Jam!" How many food puns can the 'Globe' squeeze into one article about a Naval engineer and his teacher wife who allegedly "plotted to sell top-secret plans for US nuclear submarines hidden in a peanut butter sandwich"? The plans were hidden in the sub sandwich, that is – not a submarine secreted in a sandwich. The couple also allegedly passed secrets hidden inside a Band-Aid wrapper, and a pack of chewing gum. It sounds like they'd been watching too many episodes of 'Mission: Impossible.'

    People

    It's yet another Royal cover story: "Prince William's Passion – Why I'm Speaking Out Now." His passion is for the environment, not anything kinky, though that would been more interesting than William's "exclusive" chat with 'People' magazine, which amounts to a handful of anodyne sentences that could easily have been randomly generated by an AI publicity algorithm. Presenting awards for his first Earthshot Prize, William says: "By recognizing these efforts and supporting and scaling them to be the best they can be, we can inspire the confidence that a healthier, more sustainable future is within our grasp." Spoken like a true robot. How did 'People' stretch a few meagre Royal sentences into six full pages? With the addition of vacuous commentary from aides and associates, offering such gems as: "It wouldn't be fair to say the future of the planet is on William's shoulders." Oh, wouldn't it?

    "Gwyneth's Most Revealing Interview Ever!" This from the actress who brought us the joys of jade vaginal eggs and a vagina-scented candle? How much more revealing can Gwyneth Paltrow get? Not much, apparently. "If a woman likes sex, there's nothing wrong with her!" she offers. "I focus on meditation, hydration, eating nutrient-dense foods and not having tons of alcohol." Is half a ton of alcohol okay, then?

    "This Is My Daughter Ruby" says actress Jamie Lee Curtis, introducing her trans daughter as they discuss the latter's coming out. "How can I do this better?" asks Jamie Lee, who appears the epitome of the supportive, loving and compassionate parent every child would want – except around Halloween, when she tends to be screaming in terror much of the time.

    This must be 'People' magazine's Serous Illness Issue: "Ady Barkan knows he's dying of ALS. But it's not his only fight: He's also battling to get home health care for everyone who needs it." "Selma Blair – I Want to Tell the Truth About MS." "Meghan McCain – My Struggle With Postpartum Anxiety." "Michael J. Fox Is In a 'Really Good Groove" – living with Parkinson's disease since 1992. An inspirational and deeply depressing issue.

    Us Weekly

    If it's not the British Royals, it may as well be the Kardashian Klan on the cover, as it is this week: "Kourtney Says 'Yes!' To Travis. Wedding Countdown!" Will Kourtney Kardashian and rocker Travis Barker's alleged five-day wedding ceremony really "cost $15 million"? Or could 'Us Weekly' be exaggerating a smidgen? Even if they get his 'n' hers full-body tattoos it couldn't cost anywhere near that much. Kardashian klan momager Kris Jenner posted on social media a photomontage of the couple with the caption: "the most beautiful, adorable, affectionate, fabulous, made for each other couple in the world!" Can't wait to see what she writes if they ever break up.

    "Queen's Sad Last Days." Really? Being broke, homeless and terminally ill makes for sad last days. The Queen has simply cancelled a few official engagements on doctor's orders, and is resting in the lap of luxury surrounded by servants and the best doctors other people's money can buy. "Ready To Step Down?" asks the story. You''ll have to prize the crown and scepter out of her cold, dead hands before she willingly gives them up.

    "What Erika Knows." Apparently what 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' star Erika Jayne knows can fit into a page and a half of 'Us Weekly.' Is anyone surprised it took up that much space?

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Emily Ratajkowski wore it best (is it a coincidence that whoever shows the most skin invariably "wore it best"?), that country singer Zac Brown is "not sure how many total hats I have" but reckons it's "about eight or 10" (though how hard is it to keep count of ten hats, and how many "partial hats" might he own?), and that the stars are just like us: they dine on the go, shop for shoes, and "snuggle their pup!" What 'Us Weekly' doesn't say, but which is patently evident from the photos of Jared Leto, Chace Crawford, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, is that the stars are slobs who go out in public wearing shapeless baggy sweaters and sweatpants looking unwashed, ungroomed and disheveled – just like us.

    Onwards and downwards . . .

  • Kim Jong-Un "dead" in this week's dubious tabloids

    'National Enquirer'

    "Why COVID shots don't work!" screams the scare-mongering cover story. "2,675 fully vaccinated Americans have died!"

    The 'Enquirer' fails to mention that most of those deaths were people with underlying medical conditions. or that millions of vaccinated Americans have avoided hospitalization and death thanks to the shot.

    "Britney Planning $1M Freedom Bash!" Don't bet on it. Singer Britney Spears is supposedly planning a lavish bash to celebrate her father's removal as her court-ordered co-conservator. But she's still under a conservatorship – are those in charge of her fortune likely to give the okay for her to blow $1 million on a party?

    "Daniel Craig's Secret Life. Gay scandal. Shoplifting. Hidden affair." Is it a "secret life" if it's all been reported in the tabloids years ago? Especially if it's not necessarily true.

    Craig supposedly was seen in 2010 kissing a man outside a California gay bar – not in itself evidence that he is gay. He could have been playfully friendly, and he recently admitted: "I kiss all my leading men," because it "breaks the ice." Way back in 2006 he admitted to shoplifting as a child. As for Craig's "affair," it was with his now-wife Rachel Weisz: the two fell in love in 2011 while he was engaged to Satsuki Mitchell. All old news – so what's the secret?

    "Tom Eats It!" Yes, Tom Cruise looks like he may have gained a few pounds – precisely 20 pounds, claim the Guess-Your-Weight experts at the 'Enquirer.' Supposedly he "keeps feeding his face to soothe his bruised ego since getting the heave-ho from hottie Hayley Atwell." Or might he be gaining weight for a role?

    "Goops! Gwyneth Reigns As New Queen of Mean!" Goop insiders allegedly claim "Gwyneth Paltrow is the boss from hell . . . a penny-pinching tyrant who plays favorites with her staff and pushes employees to work long hours while grossly underpaying them."' We've seen these allegations before, and whether true or not, they hardly merit Paltrow being dubbed the "New Queen of Mean," when according to past tabloid stories she has long been the reigning Queen of Mean.

    "Proof Pentagon Has UFO Wreckage!" The 'Enquirer' has no concept of what the word "proof" actually means. They have a photo, lifted from a video, of a "sleek, futuristic-looking craft" being transported within defense contractor Lockheed Martin's Helendale Radar Cross Section Facility in California's Mojave desert. This "craft" is vaguely saucer-shaped, so the 'Enquirer' naturally concludes that it has been reverse engineered "based on research gained from studying alien crafts." Or it could just as easily be a shade roofing structure, or a radar component, or any of a thousand things that aren't a spaceship.

    "Kelly's Big Manhunt!" Newly-divorced singer Kelly Clarkson is "love-starved" according to the 'Enquirer.' Why do the tabloids assume that every single woman is desperate to find a man?

    'Globe'

    "Kim Jong-Un Is Dead!" proclaims the front page splash. "Ruthless kid sister stages secret coup!"

    The 'Globe' tried this same story more than a year ago, and was met with laughter in official circles. Now that the North Korean dictator appears to have lost a substantial amount of weight, he certainly looks different – thinner, might be the appropriate word – which prompts the 'Globe' to post a photo of the newly-svelte Beloved Leader with the headline: "Replaced by this skinny impostor." But why would Kim's sister Kim Yo-Jong replace her brother with a substitute who looks so very different? It would only make sense if she replaced him with an impostor who looked exactly like the fatter Kim Jong-Un of 2020. That doesn't stop the 'Globe' running a two-page spread under the headline: "Savage Sis Kills Kim Jong-Un!"

    "Andrew & Fergie Marrying Again," claims the 'Globe', explaining that in doing so Prince Andrew's ex-wife Fergie will be able to refuse to testify against her husband "at his New York rape trial. " So far it's a civil suit rather than a criminal trial, but better send a wedding gift, just to be safe. The 'Globe' has such faith in this story, they ran it at the back of the book on Page 40, following the graphic story: "Mom Loses Leg After Festering Spider Bite!"

    "Jen Aniston Is Back On The Prowl." Why do the tabloids assume that every single woman is desperate to find a man?

    "Battered Bubbles Attempted Suicide!" Michael Jackson's former pet chimp, now living comfortably in a Florida primate refuge, allegedly was beaten by the Gloved One and was "so miserable he tried to kill himself!" How does a chimpanzee commit suicide? Pills? Hanging? Slash his wrists? The 'Globe' says: "Details are scanty." Indeed they are.

    "Naked Truth About Britney." Spears recently posted a discreetly-edited near-nude photo on social media, which some might see as a declaration of her newly-won freedom from her father's conservatorship. Not the 'Globe,' which enlists a psychiatrist who has never met Spears to call the photo "the act of an unhinged and desperate woman crying for attention." Right.

    'People'

    "Katie Couric Tells All," is this week's cover story. She talks about sexism in American TV news, her teenage struggles with bulimia, and her late husband's cancer death. But when it comes to talking about what she knew of former 'Today' co-anchor Matt Lauer's sexually predatory behaviour, she insists: "I never felt he was pervy or inappropriate in my presence, ever." Which isn't to say Couric wasn't aware of Lauer's abusive mistreatment of women when she wasn't around.

    'Us Weekly'

    "Adele's Brutally Honest Tell-All," proclaims the cover story about yet another newly-divorced singing star. "Surviving Two Years of Hell." Sadly, the brutally honest tell-all appeared in 'Vogue' magazine. 'Us Weekly' lifts a few quotes, and then cites unnamed sources who offer such insightful inside information as: "She's really begun to focus on her own happiness." Priceless.

    Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Tinashe wore it best, that model Chanel Iman reveals "some designers glue their model's feet into their shoes so they don't slip off on the runway!" (but how do they ever get them off?), and that the stars are just like us: they take out the trash, take tourist photos, and use umbrellas to "try to stay dry." How would we ever know that the stars did such things if 'Us Weekly' wasn't there to keep us informed?

    Onwards and downwards . . .