The sheriff in Volusia County, Fla., reports that "a gentlemen was apprehended today while committing a burglary of a vending machine at Pine Ridge High School" in Deltona.

Adds the AP:

...spokesman Andrew Gant says a deputy stationed at Pine Ridge High School was notified of the trapped raccoon Wednesday and called animal control for assistance. A vending machine operator was also contacted to unlock the door. They rolled the vending machine to an open area of the school and after about two hours the raccoon was set free.

The sheriff's Facebook posting has a lot of boomer energy in the comments.

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Fredo Corleone is the childish, easily-led brother from The Godfather whose weakness and insecurity lead him to betray his family. Chris Cuomo is the childish, easily-led CNN anchor whose weakness and insecurity lead him to getting into public fights with people who call him Fredo.

"Punk-ass bitches from the right call me Fredo!" Cuomo says in this video clip, which presumably starts after he was thusly named by someone. "My name is Chris Cuomo! I'm an anchor on CNN. Fredo is from The Godfather. He's the weak brother. They use it as an Italian aspersion. Any of you Italian? It's a fuckin insult to your people. It's an insult to your fuckin people. It's like the N-word for us. Is that a cool fuckin thing?"

"You're a much more reasonable guy in person than you seem on television," says the man who called him Fredo.

"You wanna play, we'll fuckin play. If you've got something to say about what I do on television then say it."

"Hey man, listen, I don't have a problem"

"Well you're gonna have a big fuckin problem. Don't fucking insult me. You call me Fredo, I'll call you punk bitch, you like that? You want that to be your nickname?"

"I didn't call you that."

"You called me Fredo! You know my name's not fuckin Fredo! You did not think my name's Fredo, don't be a fuckin liar. Stand up like a man. Own it, own what you said. You're gonnna have a fuckin problem. Read the rest

In northern Russia, a man who really wanted some booze drove an armored personnel carrier through a shop window, crashing into the store, then exited his vehicle and climbed through the wreckage to steal a bottle of wine. I know this will shock you, but he was drunk. Read the rest

Wait for it. Read the rest

An intoxicated and shirtless man in Westerly, RI opened fire on his neighbor's home using corncobs he shot with his homemade PVC potato gun. Drunk Rhode Island Man, while we do not condone your actions, we salute you for Making America Potato Gun Again. Read the rest

A very bad man in Maine is charged with a very weird murder. Prosecutors say Bruce Akers used a machete to try and decapitate a neighbor (is "nearly decapitating" worse? because that's what happened), then buried the victim's remains together with the partially decomposed carcasses of deer he killed previously.

Yep. Read the rest

I'm not sure what is going on here, but from what I gather, this is a South Korean gentleman who installed a third party engine performance chip in his expensive Mercedes Benz. The new chip caused his car to have mechanical problems. When he took it to the dealer, he was told that his warranty was void because of the chip. The gentleman became upset and did what any of us would have done in a similar situation: used a golf club to smash his $160,000 Mercedes-Benz S63 AMG.

Highlights: 1:26, when the club head gets stuck in a hole, and 1:49, when the club head breaks off and he gives the car a couple of half-hearted thwacks with the stick. At 2:00 he returns with a fresh club and renews his attack with cool intensity.

Read the rest

A 26-year-old Pennsylvania man with a history of making bogus emergency calls to 911 dispatchers recently complained of chest pains so he could ask medics to help him fix his air conditioner. Read the rest

A man tried to rob a Chase Bank in Pompano Beach, Florida on April 10. He selected a teller behind bulletproof glass who refused to give him money, and presented a robbery note with his demands: "Give me the 100s 50s 20s now. Do not set the alarm. Hurry!!!" When the teller rebuffed him, he ran away but left his stickup note behind.

His demands had been penned on the back of an online job application form, complete with the handwritten username of CRUZFELIPE36. It also included a password, Gioielli stated in a federal criminal complaint.

Police are still looking for Felipe Cruz. Read the rest

William Adams, the Arkansas County Court-At-Law Judge caught on camera mercilessly whipping his screaming 14-year-old daughter while yelling obscenities at her, has finally lost his job after a primary challenger defeated him. His victim had anticipated the assault, recorded it, and released it only after she became an adult. Warning: the video shows physical and emotional abuse and will make you angry. Previously. Read the rest

As @pourmecoffee tweeted, it's unfair that there's no video to accompany this all-too-brief story of a gentleman in Iowa "who says he was using his lawn mower to chase a gopher." The man has been told to stay home and "sober up," because allegedly, some booze may have possibly been involved maybe. As long as the man had pants on, however, that seems like mere speculation. Read the rest

Handsome Dad of the Year (a former brunette) took out the garbage without fail, did the family shopping, and is remembered fondly by his step-daughters/first-cousins-once-removed. Also, outside the home, he discovered something called "relativity". Jennie Dusheck has a great follow up to a story that Xeni posted about earlier today. Read the rest

A Virginia man was beaten on Saturday, March 23, for drawing a dick on his roommate’s face.

Arlington County Police say 31-year-old James Watson passed out on his couch after a night of boozing. Around 5:30 AM he woke up to find, to his outrage, that a crude rendering of male genitalia had been scrawled upon his very face in permanent marker. Read the rest

Jarman Gurman, 26, had an argument with his girlfriend over "The Walking Dead" early Monday morning. So he shot her in the back with a rifle. [NBC] Read the rest

The Smoking Gun has details on the case of a Pennsylvania gentleman who was so angry his hamburger had a piece of unwanted cheese on it, he allegedly assaulted a female McDonald’s employee. After knocking over a trash can and throwing a high chair, the patron attacked her and attempted to destroy her cellphone, according to Springettsbury Township police. Read the rest