Thief stuffed 30 bags of frozen shrimp in his pants, say police

Ah, Riverside, California. Don't ever change. Read the rest

Gentleman arrested at airport with 80 pounds of marijuana disguised as holiday gifts

He was only dreaming of a green Christmas, you guys. Read the rest

Gentleman arrested after calling police 3 times to confess

In Georgia, a man was arrested after he called the sheriff's office to confess -- three separate times. Read the rest

Arizona man rescued and arrested after getting stuck in chimney that did not belong to him

His name was not Santa Claus.

Alaska man arrested for $400,000 of heroin and meth stuffed in rotten goat guts

Maybe not the best place to hide your stash. Read the rest

Massachusetts man smuggled salamanders and turtles into U.S., authorities say

A man from Worcester, Massachusetts was indicted by a federal grand jury Wednesday with allegedly smuggling salamanders and turtles into the United States. Read the rest

How (not) to avoid a drunk driving conviction with one weird trick

Man used electric shopping cart to get from one bar to another

Hurricane Dorian hits Charleston

And this dude finally got his moment. Read the rest

Florida raccoon freed from vending machine

The sheriff in Volusia County, Fla., reports that "a gentlemen was apprehended today while committing a burglary of a vending machine at Pine Ridge High School" in Deltona.

Adds the AP:

...spokesman Andrew Gant says a deputy stationed at Pine Ridge High School was notified of the trapped raccoon Wednesday and called animal control for assistance. A vending machine operator was also contacted to unlock the door. They rolled the vending machine to an open area of the school and after about two hours the raccoon was set free.

The sheriff's Facebook posting has a lot of boomer energy in the comments.

Read the rest

Watch CNN host Chris Cuomo threaten man who compared him to fictional mafia moron Fredo Corleone

Fredo Corleone is the childish, easily-led brother from The Godfather whose weakness and insecurity lead him to betray his family. Chris Cuomo is the childish, easily-led CNN anchor whose weakness and insecurity lead him to getting into public fights with people who call him Fredo.

"Punk-ass bitches from the right call me Fredo!" Cuomo says in this video clip, which presumably starts after he was thusly named by someone. "My name is Chris Cuomo! I'm an anchor on CNN. Fredo is from The Godfather. He's the weak brother. They use it as an Italian aspersion. Any of you Italian? It's a fuckin insult to your people. It's an insult to your fuckin people. It's like the N-word for us. Is that a cool fuckin thing?"

"You're a much more reasonable guy in person than you seem on television," says the man who called him Fredo.

"You wanna play, we'll fuckin play. If you've got something to say about what I do on television then say it."

"Hey man, listen, I don't have a problem"

"Well you're gonna have a big fuckin problem. Don't fucking insult me. You call me Fredo, I'll call you punk bitch, you like that? You want that to be your nickname?"

"I didn't call you that."

"You called me Fredo! You know my name's not fuckin Fredo! You did not think my name's Fredo, don't be a fuckin liar. Stand up like a man. Own it, own what you said. You're gonnna have a fuckin problem. Read the rest

Russian man crashes armored personnel carrier into shop to steal booze

In northern Russia, a man who really wanted some booze drove an armored personnel carrier through a shop window, crashing into the store, then exited his vehicle and climbed through the wreckage to steal a bottle of wine. I know this will shock you, but he was drunk. Read the rest

Idiot smashing store window gets hit with instant karma

Wait for it. Read the rest

Shirtless gentleman arrested for shooting corncobs at neighbor's home with potato gun

An intoxicated and shirtless man in Westerly, RI opened fire on his neighbor's home using corncobs he shot with his homemade PVC potato gun. Drunk Rhode Island Man, while we do not condone your actions, we salute you for Making America Potato Gun Again. Read the rest

Maine Man accused of "nearly decapitating" neighbor with machete, burying him with rotting dead deer

A very bad man in Maine is charged with a very weird murder. Prosecutors say Bruce Akers used a machete to try and decapitate a neighbor (is "nearly decapitating" worse? because that's what happened), then buried the victim's remains together with the partially decomposed carcasses of deer he killed previously.

Yep. Read the rest

Gentleman with golf club pokes a lot of holes into an expensive Mercedes Benz

I'm not sure what is going on here, but from what I gather, this is a South Korean gentleman who installed a third party engine performance chip in his expensive Mercedes Benz. The new chip caused his car to have mechanical problems. When he took it to the dealer, he was told that his warranty was void because of the chip. The gentleman became upset and did what any of us would have done in a similar situation: used a golf club to smash his $160,000 Mercedes-Benz S63 AMG.

Highlights: 1:26, when the club head gets stuck in a hole, and 1:49, when the club head breaks off and he gives the car a couple of half-hearted thwacks with the stick. At 2:00 he returns with a fresh club and renews his attack with cool intensity.

Read the rest

Alaska woman steals patrol car in which her just-arrested husband is handcuffed

Alaska Woman is giving Florida Man a run for his money.

Man calls 911 to try and trick medics into fixing his air conditioner

A 26-year-old Pennsylvania man with a history of making bogus emergency calls to 911 dispatchers recently complained of chest pains so he could ask medics to help him fix his air conditioner. Read the rest

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