Hydrophobia, hallucinations, agitation and partial paralysis: the symptoms that come from being afflicted with rabies are twelve kinds of terrible. Oh, and death: a painful, writhing death. That's in there, too. Basically, it's one big "nah." So when folks in Milton, West Virginia saw a group of raccoons behaving erratically -- like they might be infected with rabies -- they called the cops right away. When the police cornered the raccoons in question, they quickly realized that the animals weren't rabid at all.

From The Chicago Tribune:

Turns out they appear to be drunk on crab apples," police said in their official statement to the community.

The apprehended animals were held in custody and allowed to sober up in what can only be deemed a raccoon drunk tank.

Then they were released into the wild, but not before some enterprising officer took a picture of the animal, showing it to be dazed, woozy, more than a little out of it. They named one drunk raccoon Dallas and released both near the woods.

And with that, Dallas joined a long line of animals that have made headlines for public intoxication.

According to Australian Geographic, raccoons and humans aren't the only animals that like to tie one on. Wallabies love to chase the dragon, monkeys yoink cocktails from tourists, and reindeer trip balls on magic mushrooms. My absolute favorite fact that Australian Geographic serves up, however, is that caterpillars frigging LOVE cocaine:

The caterpillar larvae of the Eloria noyesi moth, found in Peru and Colombia, feeds exclusively on coca plants, eating as many as 50 leaves each day.

In Milton, West Virginia, concerned citizens called police to report rabid raccoons but it turns out that the animals (the raccoons that is) were more likely just drunk. “We have had calls [of] suspected rabid raccoons twice over the last two days,” the Milton Police Department wrote in a short Facebook post. “Turns out they appear to be drunk on crab apples.” From Newsweek:

It wouldn’t be the first time an animal has made the headlines for public intoxication. In 2015, footage of a squirrel seemingly drunk on fermented crab apples hit YouTube—and attracted millions of views. National Geographic has previously captured footage of drunken monkeys.

National Geographic said in its own 2015 article that research found that animals definitely did get drunk, and listed such examples as butterflies, moths and moose. Don Moore, associate director of the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, D.C., told National Geographic that deer that had eaten fermented apples in orchards were known to get “pretty sleepy, even stumbly.”

Those who commented on the Milton Police Department’s post seemed to appreciate the update. One person joked, “Public intoxication, pretty serious. Thanks for putting him back in the woods.” Another Facebook user said, “I have one on my porch right now you can have.”

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Even if you live in an area where keeping a raccoon as a pet is totally cool,  a raccoon is a wild animal that shouldn't be kept as a pet. They've got needs, habits and instincts which, even if you were to raise it from a kit, you won't be able to rid it of. Still interested in claiming one of the fuzzy buggers as your own? Then you'll want to watch this video of this gent who, after a year of raccoon ownership, has a solid, informed opinion on whether a raccoon makes a good pet.

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Raccoon Robbing A Girl In A Kayak

Hominidae and Procyonidae -- natural enemies since time immemorial. Read the rest

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A couple of days ago I posted a video of a raccoon that dipped a block of cotton candy in water and became confused when it dissolved instantly. What I didn't know is that the video was part of a longer video that shows that the raccoon learned on the third time not to dip cotton candy in water. Read the rest

This raccoon found a chunk of cotton candy. When the animal dipped the cotton candy into a puddle to wet it, the chunk dissolved, and the raccoon was like, wtf?

Why do raccoons dip their food into water? It's not to clean it, and it is not to soften it. How Stuff Work says raccoons wet their food as a way to give them "a more vivid tactile experience and precise information about what they're about to eat." Read the rest

After a minute or so, I started wondering why this lady won't stop talking about how cute this mommy raccoon is and just give her some food. [via] Read the rest

Looks like Disney wasn't lying when they portrayed forest animals helping clean homes.

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These guys fucking love milk.

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KING-TV reports that raccoons have established their home in the cab of a huge tower crane, bringing its construction project to a halt. The raccoons are big ones, locals allege: "The thing was like a dog," said Lumber worker Trent Kristjanson. Read the rest